Dice Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 T-M T-M such a beautiful girl... Gift from God... Smile to melt anyone's heart... But not mine... It's not working... Told it's there... But they not me... Numbness through and through... Just don't... Cannot feel it... I'd give my life up for one minute of feeling it for you... T-M my prefect angel... Acting in front of them... Hiding the truth... Innocent in it all... I'd buy you the world... Because I cannot give you anything else... Ink your name on me... To try and make me feel it... Not your fault T-M... It's just who I am... Learning about me daily... May God give you a happiness path... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imdebbiem Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 (((Dice))) sometimes feelings don't develop as fast as we would like. I hope you can feel for T-M soon. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 ((((Dice)))) I agree with debbie sometimes it takes time, I am sure you will feel for T-M soon.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 i'd say the fact you wrote this and feel bad about not feeling and the fact you want to pretend means you do feel something ((((cubey)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Thank you for the hugs Deb, Cat and Poppy Pop Tart!!! And what you all have said ( I hope it doesn't come across like I'm being funny or a bitch to what you've all said!!! ) But I have been told all that again and again, And no one is me or see's how my mind works... Ten weeks and one day I still don't feel it and I truly know I will never feel it, Because I don't feel it for anyone else... Never have and that's something I've learnt about myself and in away I'm kinda glad I've learnt it, As it's an important thing... But it doesn't stop me from hoping one day I could feel it for a minute... I'm just one of these people who cannot feel it or give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadow8 Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 I started to write a reply and kept deleting it cos dont think it will help but want you to know I was thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Dude say what you want to me, Whether or not you think it will help, I don't mind nor have a problem with that m'darling!!! But if you truly feel you don't want to say whatever it is, That's kool man... Bless you for thinking of moi!!!... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadow8 Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 I just feel really sad you feel this way and that you think you will never feel that for someone. I think you are the one that knows how you feel and no one can say to you that you should feel a certain way. I think even if you dont feel like that I think people will feel that from you for the things you do for them and you may not even realise it. I think T-M will feel very proud to have you in their life looking out them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted June 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 I guess I'm the only one who doesn't found it sad, I am like this??? I don't see a reason to be sad about it as it's me and I'm learning out who I truly am and its just one part of me... You know ask yourself what is love and what do you really truly get out of it??? As I don't see I am missing out ( In the bigger picture ) of not being able to give it or feel it... And if people want to class things I do for them as that, Who am I to stop them in their tracks??? As long as I don't lead them on and make them think I do, Which I've done before... But with T-M in a year or two I'm gonna have to lie and act, Which isn't nice or the right thing to do, But I'm not gonna mess an innocent T-M head up by saying no I don't... And thank you for writing it to me sweet :]... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadow8 Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 I think it's good you are trying to learn who you are and that no one can say you should feel a certain way. I find it hard to say if someone means something to me cos I think I fear of being hurt and people around me dont really say how they feel to each other so have got used to that. I think people's actions sometimes show how they feel without them having to say it. I dont think you should pretend you feel a certain way cos then you arent being you and then how people feel about you, you cant really believe or trust cos you feel you arent really showing them who you are. In some ways that protects me as well cos if they like me or not I can just believe its not really me anyway so it doesn matter. I think when the time comes you will know how best to handle the situation with T-M and that decision can change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 sad but beautiful it shows how much she means to you - that you dont 'feel' it does not mean that her little life isnt vitally important to you and yours to her - actually FEELING how important people/things are to us (good and bad) can often be so unbearably painful that we need to shut it away you 'learnt' to do that many years ago through the need to survive it is hardly surprising that those doors are clamped firmly shut - the things you do for her, the care you give her, THAT is what matters - that is what she will interpret as your love (sorry if this is wrong and out of turn and if we got it all wrong - xxxx Dice) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenthing Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 (((((((hugs))))))) gtg but hope 2 reply later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 I feared this would be how it was for you when she was born, because of what you have said about yourself in the past. Maybe instead of the feelings you can get some satisfaction by doing things with her, as she gets older being involved in her development. doing pratical things if that makes sense. She won't know that you can't feel for her but will love you anyway. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 I don't want to make this about me but I can relate to what you are saying When D was born I felt nothing for him. I had to lie and act to those around me. I felt pretty much the same as you describe. It happened eventually though. It took a long time, but it did happen. I have a niece who I know I care about but I don't think I love her. I feel the same toward my sister. You know where I am ((((another hug for cubey)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess1090 Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 I've a nephew that I've never connected with. I care about him as I care about all children but I am not certain I love him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted June 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Shadow - Now you see you say about peoples actions to you can sometimes show how they feel without saying it, Me on the other hand, See and believe most peoples actions to awards me, Us because they're after something back from me... Walker - No don't say sorry please!!! As truly no need too!!! Not wrong at all m'darling... I do agree with the care I give her matters, More than anything else, But I cannot always show that I care for her, Some days I won't hold her, Feed her, Change her nappy or play with her, And I'll have a quick look at her and I see she is looking at me and smiling, But I look straight away and don't smile back or anything... I have also seen that some days she won't settle on me and I think it's because she can " feel " that I don't have the " Love " for her... I've not really bonded with her... And I do still have PND, Yes I know I'm not the mother but " Dads " can get it as they have been there through out it all with the mother too... And yeah fuck sorry I wanna say more about it but I cannot, I've not even told my CPN the thoughts... Shut up Dice!!! Sorry!!! But you're right in everything you said to me Walker and thank you!!! Christine - I did too and I thought she'll prove me wrong and I'll be able to feel it for her, But it's not the case... Yes it makes sense!!! I've always said I want to do stuff with her which will help her development ect and I kinda do stuff like that with her now... I seen her hold and pick her toy cube up for the first time ever a few weeks ago and no one else seen it... And thank you!!! Sorry I'm just talking a load of crap in the replies... Poppy Pop Tart - When you say you felt nothing for D, Did you feel it for anyone else before D and after him??? I mean as in before you was able??? To feel it for him, If that makes sense??? And thank you and thank you for the hugs :]!!! Jess- When you say your certain you don't love your nephew, Do you love other people though??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess1090 Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 Yes I love many other people. I am quite susceptible to love but I have learnt about myself through therapy that I don't always love the people that I would be expected to love. My nephew, my parents, my brothers, I don't love them. I love my neighbours kitten more than I love my brother! I love my family that I have with my husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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