Peanut_Butter Posted June 12, 2012 Report Share Posted June 12, 2012 Ok so i think i just need a place to talk about my issues as talking to my family is a definate no no and when i talk to my fella about it he thinks im being ridiculous or in an attempt to seem like hes on my side just says " just eat less chocolate" but its not as simple as that. Its getting waaayyy out of control my eating and i am putting on weight despite being very active. Anyways i will start at the beginning. I have always been overweight since puberty basically (im 24 now) not massivly but i was never one of the small girls. It only really started bothering me when it came time to get naked with a partner. At around this time my mum was approaching her 40th birthday and started dieting for the first time in her life. All my family are large and dont seem to care about calories or exercise and making a meal that tastes good is all they care about which leaves me to cook for myself... or not in this case (i will get on to this later) Anyways i started to watch what i was eating and started exercising and was really happy with myself, went to uni and the ED started in my mind. i was so unhappy in the halls i started spending all my time out of lectures at the gym, and when i got home would sometimes have a bowl of cereal or nothing for tea... or go completely the other way and gorge on whatever i could get my hands on, usually a full box of dry cereal, it was something i couldnt control. Despite this i lost alot of weight and felt good about how i looked. After i moved back home i wasnt exercising as much and i was eating better (trying to cook for myself as people would watch - and the bf would complain if i didnt eat) and i thought my weight was settled until the nurse commented at my 'pill check' appointment that over the past 2 years or so i had been slowly gaining weight with every weigh in. I suppose this is where my 'diet' started but i feel like ive been on a diet everyday of my life. If im not starving im feeling guilty because of what ive just eaten and planing to start afresh tomorrow. AGAIN SORRY FOR THE LONG POST - THIS IS MY FIRST POST In 2010 i had an operation and to my horror when i was weighed pre surgery for the anasthetic i was the heaviest i had ever been (and completely ignorant to this). it may not seem alot but for me it was as i still thought i was 5kg lighter. I was 78.8kg (im 5ft 8) After the operation i had a long recovery of approx 4 weeks, couldnt do anything just lie in bed. my appetite was 0 because of the pain meds and feeling sick and when i did start moving around was so tired, at one point i went to asda with my family and had to be pushed in a wheelchair because walking was too exhausing. In 4weeks i had lost 9kg (20lb) and was 66kg at my post op weigh in. Now feeling better than ever and skinnier than i had been in a long time i felt amazing, tried to keep it off and had done sucessfully by eating healthy and exercising regulaly. In fact in August last year i weighed 71kg and was happy. Then i went on holiday for 2 weeks and the lbs creeped on (no worries i thought il be in the gym again soon), then i was injured so couldnt go the gym (weight was creeping on again) and then my nan got sick and instead of going the gym i went to see her, ate with my family etc. Then she died. And ive not been the same since. I have no willpower, no control, i just think i could be dead tomorrow. This is whats driving my compulsive eating. I justify it, even though its wrong and making my unhappy. I know im making excuses and t the end of the day the excuses shouldnt matter, at the end of the day no matter the reasons for eating rubbish dont mean anything ive stil shoved that bit of food in my mouth. Im constantly thinking about food at the moment, not nutricuous or full meals though, just ANYTHING i can get my hands on, bit of cheese, dry slices of bread, whole bags of crisps, whole chocolate bars and at the end i just want more. Cereal bars. Im ashamed to say it ive started eating in secret and lying to others what im eating. I feel disgusted at myself when i look in the mirror and i can see myself getting fatter and i feel helpless to do anything about it. I feel disgusted when i see piles of empty bags stashed in my room because i dont feel i can take them to the bin to be judged what i am eating. i feel my family would be disgusted in me as im the 'healthy one' - although my dad has always commented on weight gains untill recently. However he did say last year at the peak of my fitneess/weightloss that he thinks im gonna end up being fat. when i asked why he just sorta laughed and smiled and said he just does. Im trying to change and its starting now...... Like i said im going to comment on here and hopefully i can support you and you can support me. Eventually when im feeling safer i can show my partner this post and he can understand my struggles more. Thanks for listening Lauren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess1090 Posted June 12, 2012 Report Share Posted June 12, 2012 Lauren this is a subject very close to my heart at the moment. I am battling with my weight I have so far lost 32 pounds and I need to lose a lot more. I didn't used to have problems with my weight although I did tend to starve myself if I felt upset but that tendency has changed and I now reach for sweets or ice cream. My triggers were pregnancy and middle age a potent combination for weight gain so I've learnt. It seems you have not really enjoyed food in moderation and that is the key I think. Denying yourself everything won't work long term and of course eating in huge amounts of foods you crave will ensure you are over weight. It is hard but the best thing would be to allow yourself a treat a day, take it day by day, does that sound do-able? I am puzzled at to why your dad would comment on your weight as he has, I think I would ask him not to, or ignore him! You have nothing to be ashamed of I hope you can open up to your boyfriend you might be surprised about how supportive people will be. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peanut_Butter Posted June 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 First off, i apologise if this is wrong but congratulations on the weight loss, i dont think most people appreciate how hard it is to lose weight when weight is such an issue. The bf goes on a diet every year for the summer and piles the weight on over winter but doesnt really care, and loses the weight easily as it doesnt take over his life. I fully agree that im not in control of my food urges... the wierd thing is, i wouldnt say i enjoy food. Its hard to explain, but the bf for example loves food, he talks about it, thinks about trying new things, salivates at the tv when cooking programs are on. I dont enjoy eating on the whole, i rarely have 'meals' just snacks all through the day...which is where my problem i guess has started, each snack is as much calorries etc as a meal now it would seem. Im 3 days into a 'diet' per say, but im not cutting out any foods just trying to encorporate the foods i enjoy as snacks into making a meals. In a sense im eating the same foods but less of them and trying to get my body into some sort of routine. I have reduced my calorie intake to 1400 but am not counting calories to the last 1, i think this is where it may get dangerous and go the other way where i become obsessed with eating less than my allowance and then the allowence decreasing etc. This is just a short term thing until im feeling abit more in control then i will increase the calories to a daily amount which is in line with the amount of physical activity i am doing. Reading that sentance back it seems like im in control and for a moment i almost believed myself... then again i realise im on a forum talking about food and weight at this time in the morning when i should be working. I feel that if i was in control there would be no need to talk about it. Thanks for the support all, even just reading your posts, its good to know im not the only one with food demons (which it would seem i am in real life) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess1090 Posted June 13, 2012 Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 Look at the diet industry, it is huge, we aren't alone. Have you ever had any therapy to discuss how you feel about food? Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peanut_Butter Posted June 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 Nope, like i said before its a none spoken thing in my house. I suspect to some extent that my bf and parents know i dont have a healthy relationship with food and exercise, but i dont suspect they know about binge eating and would probably think im crazy for it, or tell me to just stop and expect me to go go "oh ok". Ive had councelling in the past about other issues but as you know these sessions get worse before they get better and ive never had the courage to stick it out, so i suppose the eating etc side of it has never come into it. This is also going to seem strange but i dont think i can go to my GP either. Im sure with all the ailments and problems i have or go to see her about im beginning to think she thinks im some sort of attention seeker, and i am not. I wish i was normal lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoogirl Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 Lauren, I totally understand you and how your feeling. I am the same weight and height as you and used to be around 62kg, I feel horrible now and although like you said not the biggest girl, still feel so uncomfortable. Its kind of reassuring for me that Im not the only one out there. Ignore any negative comments from your family or anything as I know what that is like. The best thing to do is eat healthly and keep exercising, but its easier said than done and I understand that. Let me know how you get on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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