Not Getting Answers

[BimoUK]

Not expecting many replies, but here goes.

How do you cope when you've got nothing but questions bombarding your mind, but you know you will never get any answers, or if you did, you couldn't ever trust them to be the truth?

How do you deal with that, put the questions behind you and just move on?

[JasmineRose]

I sort of let the questions, thoughts and feelings percolate in my mind, and allow myself, as much as I can, to feel and be with the feelings. It can be hard to tolerate, I know.

[Jess1090]

This is a coincidence as I was discussing this very topic with my CPN a couple of weeks back. My example was this;-

My family (mother) can't see what she has done wrong and she can't see how and why I am so proud of my marriage (she hates my husband) and she cannot see the beauty I see within my own family unit. She see's many of the things that I am proud of as boring or easily attainable, despite not having a happy family herself, She won't take my word for that, even though I was there!

Leading back to you Bimo. It is frustrating, she won't answer my questions, she doesn't understand my questions, she is stupid, I am angry, why is she so blind?

I won't get the answers so I have to walk away and it isn't easy. Hugs.

[BimoUK]

I don't know if I can just walk away, or just sit with the feelings.

The questions I have are eating away at me inside, and making me very unwell, but..........

I just don't know.

[Jess1090]

Mine make me feel unwell and sometimes I don't think I can carry on.

[BimoUK]

I'm sorry you had to experience that Jess, and I can certainly understand how not having answers to that could make you feel unwell.

It does put my own questions into perspective, but nonetheless, they are causing me upset and making me ill. I need to deal with them. Somehow.

[sheeba88]

The simple answer to this is: you move on and stop thinking about the questions, over time you will eventually stop caring so much about the answers.

You're damned if you do know the answers, because you won't believe them anyways and will always doubt if it's the truth, and you're damned if you don't know - because you'll spend quite a lot of your life wondering about it.

Sometimes you have to realise that the answer to your questions aren't the be all and end all to things - that they aren't important. What is important is to change the question. Why do you need to know this? What good will it serve? Will it only hurt me further? What positivity can I get from knowing the answers? Most of the time the truth is none, it won't do any good knowing and it probably will only just hurt you more and take you longer to recover.

Put the question behind you and move forwards with your life in the present. Each moment you give to thinking about the past, takes away time you could be giving to the present, making steps to making yourself happier. You need to just keep reminding yourself that things move forwards, not backwards. Your past is your past for a reason - it is behind you, so you can move on from it. Let it go.

[BimoUK]

I like how that all sounds, I really do, but as of now these questions are consuming me, I actually think they may be the only reason I'm still going, in the hope that maybe one day I'll have the answers.........have some closure.

I just don't know.

Head is not good.

[Jess1090]

I feel a bit of a shit about my example I wasn't trying to undermine your predicament I wanted to demonstrate how I do understand the feelings of needing answers to continue living.

100% with Sheeba but it isn't easy. Hugs.

[sheeba88]

Some things in life people just aren't meant to know. Treat this as one of them.

:trigger: :trigger:

I could have spent all of my life growing up wondering if my father had sexually abused me as a child, because I don't have memory of my childhood, both my older brother and sister did things to me sexually, and then it all came out later that my father raped two of my friends, had manipulated a neighbour into a sexual relationship with him, did things to one of our babysitters. My sister as a baby had gynecological issues and my brother never wanted to be left with him alone. I had problems with flinching, letting people touch me and sex as I grew up, I couldn't bare to let people near my body. All of my counsellors and therapists have said that I need to stop trying to uncover what happened to me as a child, that I probably were molested, but that it won't help me now to focus on that.

And they are right. If I continued thinking "what if" this and "what if" that then it would ruin my life. Just as this question of yours could you.

Don't let what if's run your life.

Take control and move forwards.

[BimoUK]

I'm sorry sheeba, that was hard to read, I don't really know how to respond.

I'm sorry you've have that to deal with in your life.

It really does put my "worries" into perspective.

[sheeba88]

I didn't tell you that to make you feel guilty or to make you feel like your worries aren't big enough. They are, they are just perhaps different.

I told you that to make you realise that some questions aren't worth thinking about - and they the answers may only hurt us more.

You are strong enough to move forwards on your own without knowing. :)

[BimoUK]

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest you meant to belittle my 'concerns', but it really does put them in perspective, and it does make me feel pathetic for letting them bother me.

But they do. Desperately so.

I'm not strong.

Not at all.

Never have been, never will be.

[sheeba88]

You are not pathetic at all, things affect people differently. People have different lives.

You are strong, you are still here - trying to get help. That shows courage and strength to me.

Stop putting yourself down and doubting yourself.

[BimoUK]

It's all I know. All I've ever known.

I was getting past it, but it seems I've been proven right after all.

I'm nothing.

[sheeba88]

You're not nothing. That is a silly thing to say, you're obviously something and someone otherwise you wouldn't exist.

Stop putting yourself down.

I find it hard to talk to you/try to help you when you constantly put yourself down, so stop it. Give yourself a break. I bet you're not half as bad as you make out. :P

[BimoUK]

I'm sorry.

[spikeynikki]

I am a sufferer of the unanswered questions. The ones that stop you sleeping at night and that pop up at all moments. The biggest of all of these questions is 'Why?' I spent a lot of time very unwell about 10 years ago, because of the questions and after being allocated the best counsellor I have ever met, I discovered the answer that covers all of the questions I had.

Because it just is the way it is and that's it.

Write your questions down on a big piece of paper, however you want to write them. Everything you can think of...and then take a thick black pen and write across all of them 'JUST BECAUSE'. I burn mine in the garden, or you could tear it up into tiny pieces or flush it down the loo but however you destroy it, make sure you focus on the questions going away. Repeat if you need to, but as the questions pop in your head say out loud (or in your head if there are people around) JUST BECAUSE, and move on to the next thing.

Sometimes we never get the answers we are after and it can be like a skip on a cd where it just gets stuck and we go over and over and over. The exercise I suggested is the equivalent of banging the top of the cd player. A reset if you will. I hope it helps you.

You are not nothing or worthless and you don't need to apologise. Its a beautiful day here and I could be out in the garden but I would rather be here responding to your message because I believe you are an important part of this world. I believe you are worth more than you will ever know.

And I believe you need to know that I think that.