Uncomfortable With Silence………..therapy

[Pickle59]

(((Abster))) asked me in chat last night about how my therapy is going. Thank you Abster for asking and am aware that haven’t really shared about it.

Well, I’ve had my 5^th session, yesterday.

Up until this last session I have been very bewildered and frustrated!

What on earth is supposed to be happening here?

I am very uncomfortable with silence. I arrive for sesh, get led into a room, sit down and then there is silence. I constantly want to break the silence with general chit chat. How are you, (me to therapist) ask him loads of questions, then silence again. It is so different to any other form of counselling or one to one I have ever had.

I know it isn’t supposed to be about chit chat but the therapist says very little and I find the silence chilling and scarey.

When I’m not asking questions, It’s like I am talking to myself, then I end up crying, then I’m exhausted and when I get home, want to sleep the rest of the day.

Yesterday, the therapist said to me that I looked very sad. Well that really set me off, but with just that little bit of input from him, and I suppose yes, an acknowledgment from him that he was with me in the room and not just a sitting nodding person, sort of helped a bit.

The therapy offered was initially 3 months, but it has been extended to a year. I’m really glad about this cos otherwise I would have already had a third of the sessions and up till yesterday felt completely lost and is this a blooming waste of time.?

Keeping the option of going back on AD if unstable emotions and moods get just too debilitating on a day to day basis, but for now, gonna try and stay off them. The first couple of sessions I was still taking sertraline, which definitely evened me out, but I couldn’t access what I think the therapy is supposed to be about, if that makes any sense.x

Thank you for all being here.x You really have been life savers.x

Hugs for you all.x Pickle

[morethanme]

Hi Hun

totally understand the silence

its really frustrating isnt it especially when before you go you think i will talk about this and that and when u get there its just this blankness as i call it.

Maybe you could write things down and then when you get there see if you can read a bit out of what you want to say....sometimes that helps

glad your therapy has been extended.

hope it gets easier for you

mtm xx

[AmyP]

(((pickle))) can really relate. makes me feel so awkward i end up coming out with complete nonsense babble just to try and make them talk an fill the silence. is like i can feel there eyes drilling into me xx

[Fanta]

(((Pickle)))

I can relate too, I so dislike silence makes me feel so uncomfortable I am sure therapists do it to see how we handle these situations.xxx

[Abster]

(((pickle))) I too can relate to this. I think it depends on the kind of therapy you're having. I've had a therapist in the past who was just like that. I hated the silence and the more she didn't speak the harder I found it to. I stopped seeing her in the end cos I don't have to pay someone to sit in silence!!!!

My current therapist is great and always asks me how I am and if that doesn't start me telling she'll recap what we talked about last time or the content of my email ( I am able to email her between sessions) and that usually helps me to start talking.

For me it's about having someone else 'start' the conversation cos that feels more comfortable for me.

Are you able to make notes during the week of what you want to talk about or are feeling as a way of starting a session? I just wondered if that might help.

Xxx

[Shadow girl]

Pickle youare so brave. I couldn't stick with it when i was offered that sort of counselling. The silence totally freaked me out. Hope it mkes a difference for you.

xx

[greenthing]

((((hugs)))) well done for sticking with it.

i never have silence as tinnitus is my constant companion...

[Pickle59]

(((morethanme))) I suppose the most difficult thing I have found with this therapy is knowing what I'm supposed to want to talk about!!Does that make any sense? What am I supposed to be sorting out? Can I be sorted out? But you are right, although i didn't write it down, the last session I did decide to talk about what had happened over this last week with my reaction to my mum, who I had to see last friday, pretty much for the first time since I felt like a lamb to the slaughter at the end of march.

My sisters were there too thank god, as we had to view and decide on the final resting place and arrangements for both my mum and dad which had initially been requested by Dad's nursing home.

It was agonisingly painful, not the fact that we were arranging their funeral whilst they are still alive, but the realisation that nothing my mum will ever say or do now will take away the pain of what she thinks, says and feels towards me. I cannot get it out of my head or my whole being. The hurt is too deep. So I did in the end speak about this.

thank you (((morethanme))) for sharing your experience and thoughts with me.xxx

[Pickle59]

(((Pandora))), Aw, absolutey. I can babble away about nothing in particular till the cows come home! A hug for you.x

[Pickle59]

(((Growly))), Yes, I think you could be right. Maybe it is some sort of exam/test or something? Bloody uncomfortable I say.

I want to try and stick it out though, cos I don't think I always know what is best and the fact I do feel uncomfortable, maybe that says something in itself!! So, trying not to run away which I know I can too easily do from uncomfortableness. Hugs for you.x

[Pickle59]

(((Abster))). This is the first therapy, as opposed to counselling that I have ever had. I have always paid for private counselling in the past. Therapy was recommended by the MHT, so in a way I feel priveleged in these very tight economic times to have been offered this amount of therapy. I think this is one of the things, that in its way is helping me to stick with it. You know, I don't want to perhaps kick a gift horse in the mouth, if in the end it really does end up doing some good. The only way I am going to find that out is to stick with it, at least for now, even with all the uncomfortableness.

Your current therapist sounds great though.xxx

One of the last type of counselling I had was way back, 10 years ago or more, and it was with a life coach and was telephone counselling. I remember it cost a fortune, 50 squid an hour and it did end up helping me to face my drinking problem which I am very grateful for and a big overdraft laters!

''Are you able to make notes during the week of what you want to talk about or are feeling as a way of starting a session? I just wondered if that might help''.

This is very helpful.xx Will scribble away in my diary, and refer to it just before going in.x Hugs for you.xx

[Pickle59]

(((ShadowGirl))) Yes I know what you mean and can understand the freaking out. I hadn't thought of myself as being brave in this, but maybe you got a point! Thank you for saying this.xxx I'm glad though that I am not alone in finding it freaky and very uncomfortable, so I have really appreciated you and others coming back to me on this. I wasn't expecting too much response really, but it is so nice that you have come back to me on this.x How are You? :bigarmhug[1]:

[Pickle59]

(((Greenthing))) Oh it's so nice to see you and thank you for coming back and giving support.xxx I was diagnosed with tinnitus a few years back, the low frequency type!!!! I can thankfully say though, that a few years after being diagnosed, I did some flying, (in an aeroplane lol) and got a terrible sinus infection. a first for me. Well anyway, I ended up having a seaweed like blood clot come out of my nostrils and haven't had any trouble since!!

I wouldn't wish tinnitus on anyone as I know the real pain of it and the feeling of thinking you'll go mad with the constant noise.x

I have kept all my bits and pieces, earpieces, white noise machines just in case it returns!

How do you manage yours as it is still ongoing?

Sending you a hug.xxx

[lonelyheartemma]

I hate silences too but for me its just annoying. if i am with my parents I am happy for them to be silent but i kind of feel if someone is going to help me they need to be able to talk to me. They shouldnt just rely on me to suddenly get the ability to talk about something i find difficult to talk about.

with my social worker i just tried to pretend her silences were questions and talk and tell her what i felt she needed to know but when i did that she either ignored me or said what i was talking about was normal behaviour. and when she couldnt call it normal behaviour she told me no one would behave like that so what i was saying couldnt be true. it is really hard to know what people want from you.

I have always found the best people to talk to were the ones that told me about themselves and their lives. I like to talk to a person. The people who sat there quietly and told me it was 'my time' didnt suit me at all. When i did see counsellors like this i tried explaining to them that i wanted to speak to them as a human being but they just kept saying it was my time and about me- but it didnt matter that not being able to respond to someone silent is part of my personality. The college counsellor who i'm hoping to see privately told me about his wife, his kids, his friends. He did quite a lot of talking. But he also helped me a lot in every session.He showed he was the kind of person it would be ok to confide in.

It looks like you probably can't change them. But maybe if i found myself in that situation again what i would do is ask them why they sat there in silence, find out how it is meant to encorage me. Maybe if wont work but maybe if i can understand where they are coming from maybe I can learn to see there silence as encoragement?

idk if thats helpful but this is how i tried and failed to deal with that problem and what i'm going to try to do if it happens again.

[Pickle59]

(((lonelyheartemma))).xxx Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experience on silence in therapy. I really appreciate it. I like that idea of asking them why they sit there in silence. Will try and do it in a non confrontational way, if I can. I can be a bit too direct for some people, they just see it as rude and intolerant, so I have had to try and learn to soften things.

I know silence for me has a lot of connotations, not all bad, but the main one, which isn't healthy is that it represents for me, emotional punishment. If ever there was or is silence with my parents it has always been a punishment and not just quiet time.

I'm going to try and stick with it, cos just cos I feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it might not help!!, but I take your point that not being able to respond to someone who is silent could be part of my personality. I hadn't thought of this.

However, it does press quite a lot of buttons in that silence has caused me many problems and is something that I have been very heavily criticized for not being able to deal with it, especially in close relationships, and I have been accused of just not letting someone be, (if they are silent) and always wanting to break their silence.

I must try and see and trust that the silence in therapy is not intentionally confrontational or punishment.

Maybe it might just help me in the end. I need help I do, dreadfully.

I feel privileged and very lucky to have had this offered to me, and even extended to a year from three months in these tough economic times.

The idea behind this therapy is that it is meant to be a two part thing. This part of the therapy is meant to be the emotionally stabilizing part and then it is meant to move on to Deep Trauma Therapy in the form of EMDR. No real idea what this is, but the psychologist who originally assessed me will be doing this bit. I think that is why I will try and hang on, cos if I dump it now I may never have the opportunity again to get to the root of the pain.

Weird thing is (((lonelyheartemma))) is after my last session (the fifth one), I bumped into the psychologist in the high street. All she said to me was hows it going and stick with it!

However uncomfortable and painful, this is what I am going to try and do.xxx

I'm so down in the dumps and really need something to help me.

Thanks again (((lonelyheartemma))) for sharing here with me.xx :bigarmhug[1]:

[bibiddi]

Pickle, as you have seen, a lot of people struggle with silence in therapy.

I think there are several reasons why I struggled with it, and you kind of mentioned it already. Silence means other stuff, so its difficult to trust.

I think its an excellent thing to talk about, all your other experiences of silence, and can there ever be good silence?

For me also, theres the pressure of talking about the right things.

A therapist who asks questions guides you into what to talk about. Silence gives no such guidance. What are the wrong things to talk about, and does it matter?

One of the main things I struggled with was believing that someone was there to meet my needs, and not the other way round.

However, once I was comfortable with his silence, there was no shutting me up!

It may be that you do need a therapist who talks more at the moment, but its a good thing to aim for. It kind of reflects real life, in that its good to learn how to talk to people you trust about things that are troubling you, before you get into crisis, without needing them to ask first.

[jimindigo]

Hi Pickle,

This "therapy"really bugs me. It's emotional blackmail! They KNOW its uncomfortable,

that's the idea.Then you're supposed to get so uptight at the silence,in exasperation you'll blurt

out what's really bothering you---Jesus! Why don't they just ASK? I WOULD NOT ACCEPT IT.

People have enough stress going there to begin with,without this "nutty" process being foisted on

them.Did you know that a lot of people in the "helping professions" are THEMSELVES with mental

health problems? If it was me I'd tell them I'm not willing to be MANIPULATED in this manner,for

that's what it is.It is also in my opinion,DISRESPECTFUL of HUMAN DIGNITY!

Grrrrrr, it just

pisses me OFF at the thought of it--I endured it once years ago,never again.You have a RIGHT to

question your own therapy,don't be afraid to speak up to them,they pee and do jobbies just like

us! Ho! Ho!

Deepest Respect+Kindness,

jimindigo

[Pickle59]

(((bibiddi))) I take a lot of heart from what you have shared here.xx I'm looking forward to becoming comfortable with silence and hopefully for me too, there will be no shutting me up....................meanwhile, you are absolutely right, cos silence has other connotations for me it does bring up my own trust issues with myself!! Does that make any sense?

I can think of one good and safe type of silence and that is when I am on my own. I hadn't thought of this before, so your post is very thought provoking bibiddi. I hate silence when it involves another human being............mmmmm

As to talking about the right things, you are spot on here, and yes there is no guidance! That is uncomfortable for me. I think I like to be guided. One of the things I know I have talked about with the therapist, well not talked about, but just said, is that I am uncomfortable with not knowing the rules and how is this therapy thingy supposed to work. I feel very embarrassed about asking these things, but maybe the fact that I am having to ask them really is saying something about me. What on earth am I supposed to be talking about? i get that too.x

I like what you say here and I understand it too.

'''It kind of reflects real life, in that its good to learn how to talk to people you trust about things that are troubling you, before you get into crisis, without needing them to ask first.'''

Opening up and talking about my troubles with out prompt is something I find very very difficult indeed. Ive even found that here too, but am becoming aware of it which is a good thing. I find it much easier to respond than to just start and talk about my troubles for my own sake. I really have a lot of admiration for the people here who can do that. I have thought often, I wish I could just write!!!!!!!!!

Thanks ever so much bibiddi, this has really helped me a lot .xx

[Pickle59]

((Jimindigo)). It's called psycho dynamic therapy isn't it I think.? Well when I asked what type of therapy it was, this is what he said. I ended up coming home and googling it to find out the rules if you know what I mean.

I get from your post that it really wasn't for you. I'm not sure it is for me either, but because I have had so much other type of counseling, when this therapy was offered as a precursor to Deep Trauma Therapy I thought I would at least give it a try, and am gonna try and give it my best shot.

I haven't felt manipulated at all yet, but am very aware it is pressing buttons. I may well end up getting exasperated, have a touch of it already, but maybe that is what I might need, to be put into a situation to just blurt it all out. This, for me personally, might not be a bad thing though. I appreciate that for you that this is not a good thing.

You see, I heavily vet everything I feel and think so it is difficult even for me to always know what I really think and feel cos I have so censored it. So, all I am saying is that it might end up being a really good approach for me, but I really take on what you are saying. It is a way of therapy that just doesn't sit or work in a good way for you. I will find out soon enough for me too.

Thanks for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it.x

[bibiddi]

I'm glad what I said was helpful. x