No Treamtent For People Like Me

[jenny1471]

Hi

Ok so I've had a bit to drink so am feeling really rather numb. And waffly. I'm in a waffly mood. So excuse me.

But what i'ev come to realise is that there is no treatment for people like me. My problem is relationships and attachment and boundaries. I'm 33 and for about 12 years now I'ev been in and out of counselling and psychotherapy trying to find a cure or heal whatever the hell is wrong with me. But do you know what? I'm no further along the path of recovery than I was 15 years ago. My problem is PEOPLE. I get attached to nurturing people. Inappropriately so. And by the very nature, counsellors are normally nurturing. So this problems recurrs over and over and over.

I'm currently seeing a psychodynamic therapist whom I've told about my attachment issues, my lack of boundaires, and also what happened with my ex counsellor (it was horrific - I was SO attached to her that I lied to horrific extents in order to keep her attention and not let her abandon me). This therapist knows all that.. yet she's somewhat encouraged me to become attached to her. She's allowed me to text and email her. Then suddently last week she said 'right that's enough' and stopped the texting/emailng. I've done it again. I've crossed the boundary, although she did allow it depspite her knowing what had happened previously. I'm certain she encouraged attachment.. she wants me to get attached to her so we can work together on resolving the issues. Do therapists do that or am i being paranoid?

I actually think i'd be better off without a CPN and without a therapist. Because by having both I am keeping myself ill. I am keeping myself attached to people who i think can help me and nurture me. When I have been between therapists and therefore not attached to anyone, I've actually felt more alive.. freer. When I'm attached to people i just go from day to day wondering if/when they'll reply to an email or a text or wahtever the hell i've done on that day to push boundaries.

How can I work through attachment/relationship issues if it's counsellors/therapists that i have the issues with!? It's SO painful. I have so much going on in my life right now (partner problems) that I need to feel safe with someone.. but i don't feel safe talking to my therapist about my partner issues because we have our own issues re attachment going on. I'm a total f****king mess and it's tearing me apart.

Sorry

[Tan19]

Dont be sorry Hun

I'm sorry your feeling like this

I know exactly what you mean though, I too feel almost more free when I'm not attached to anyone even though it's lonely

Because as you said when I am involved with people I spend all my time waiting on a text or response

And I worry about them leaving so I do everything (including lying) to make them stay

It's horrible but I'm just so scared of being abandonened

I'm sorry about your situation with your therapist

I'm not sure what the best option would be

But maybe in your next session you should tell her exactly what you've just told us here?

That you are confused as to how the therapy will work etc

I don't think it's impossible to continue the therapy and you seem very wise as you are noticing your problems which is a good thing already

I'm sorry I'm not much help but I do understand and hopefully things will work out xx

[piuma]

Hi

I have known quite a few people go from being constant crisis to living normally after being discharged or leaving therapy. I'm not saying you should quit. Just that for some know, that worked.

[jenny1471]

Thank you.. I agree with both of you. I guess for me my logic was that my attachment issues have always reared their ugly heads in every day life, i.e. I've been very attached to friends... i mean, stalkingly so! So a logical part of me is trying to seek a therapist who can work through these things with me.. I purposefully found a psychodynamic therapist so that they would understand attachment and not run from it. But actually my behaviour and feelings are so much worse when I'm in therapy. But then, if i wasn't attached to her surely I'd just find someone else who isn't trained...? I can't seem to relate to people as a whole.. not if they fit my unconscious schema of a nurturing mother figure. It's like a catch 22 situation. Maybe i should seek a male therapist. Or not do therapy at all and just see what happens.. maybe i could live my life without a crisis.. i don't know. It's all so shit. I want to get over this i truly do.. but i really fear that by seeking help i'm keeping myself in the crisis because while i'm seeking help i'm getting attention. I don't want to lose the attention and nurturing.. if i could I'd have it 24/7.. i guess that's where my boundary breaking comes in too. It all feels so bloody hopeless. I'm going through such shit with my partner too. It's all so painful.

[Tan19]

Im sorry

It is a catch 22..and it's hard to know the answers

If you did decide to stop therapy for a while would it be hard for you to get back into it again?

Also how long have you been with this particular therapist? Maybe it just needs more time

I believe you can have therapy and still work through it because maybe this therapist will be able to teach you how to handle situations etc

Sometimes when we are not good with or at something the best way to beat it is to face it head on

So for ex, you may want to dis continue therapy as you are right in the thick of the actual issue but maybe sticking with it could help?

I dont know

I'm just stating all my thoughts incase one helps..

I would think hard about it and talk to the therapist first about all of these feelings, do you think that's something you can do?

Then come to a decision

I'm sorry things are bad with your partner too, what has happened? I'm here to offer insight etc if you need it

My life is in a pretty rubbish place ATM but I am here to help in any way I can

Stay strong x

[toaster]

Jenny, I could have written this post.

I was once asked to leave (as in, find a new one) a doctors surgery because I had been stalking a GP there.

I find myself going from counsellor to counsellor, seeking that nurturing, caring, parental figure - someone who will look after me. It hurts like a complete bitch knowing that I am not a child any more - I am grown woman (hate calling myself that), nearly 30, with responsibilities.

I recently left college and that meant leaving behind my college counsellor. I came to the conclusion that I need to just get on with life without counsellors/therapists or mental health services. Every time I have to leave someone, it hurts. And every time I have to leave someone, I am wondering where I can find the next person, the next mother figure...

Maybe your counsellor is testing boundaries - it would seem a good way of looking at your issues. I might be totally wrong here. It would be good if you could work through this with her although I know how horribly painful it may be for you.

My last social worker was a woman but she was younger than who I normally have - in fact she wasn't much older than me. I was not impressed. However, she was brilliant at her job and it worked out well - I couldn't view her as a mother figure, she didn't fit my idea of a mother figure, but she did what she needed to do and we built a good relationship. Problem with that was that she left to have a baby...

Maybe a male therapist would be a good idea - I have learnt though that feelings can get confused. The GP I stalked was male. I thought I fancied him. I don't think I did, he was just really lovely and caring and happened to be a bit fit as well. It's mad because after that there was a note on my records saying I needed a chaperone with all male GPs - if they had known me AT ALL they would have known it was FEMALES I usually obsessed over...!

I don't know. It's shit, I know it is. I'm sorry for talking about me. I just wanted you to know I TOTALLY get what you are saying and I am here if you ever want to talk ((((Jenny))))

Toastie xx

[natfredricks]

Jenny. Do you think that you need more self-discipline and more self-control?

[jenny1471]

Thank you all. I have read (and will re-read) all your words.. it's good to know that I'm not alone.

Yes I definitely think I need far more self control! I wish I could have it. When I'm feeling ok within myself my self control is easier.. but when I feel low or unheard then my self control flies out of the window. In my better times I do things such as delete phone numbers from my phone so that I cannot contact people even if I wanted to.. but somehow I always get round it like I remember their email address or something. It's strange. It's like in those moments I feel like I need the care and nurturing RIGHT THEN like I'd die without it. Realise that sounds dramatic but it's how it feels in that moment.. and those moments are normally in the evening/at night.

I have seen my CPN today and we've (well, she) put together a boundaried plan of whom I can contact. She's going to share it (with my consent) with my private therapist. It actually feels a little safer to me now. I am planning on seeing the therapist tomorrow and will explain how I felt about her allowing me to text/email her. I know she will have been coming from a good caring place.. but it has proved quite unsafe for me. Like I told her right from the beginning I need firm boundaries. Maybe we can work through this together.. and I think i need to tell her tomorrow that if I do relapse and lose that self control and contact her during the week, she mustn't respond to me. I'll soon learn that it's pointless me contacting her between sessions.. although of course that may be painful.

I saw my GP this morning and asked to go on anti-depressants. He has signed me off work for 2 weeks too. I am not sure how i feel about being signed off so long as I need to keep busy (which I told him) but right now I am genuinely feeling depressed because of some things that have happened with my partner (I've posted about this separately but basically he has cheated on me). I guess now I just need to concentrate on keeping distracted outside of work (my work is very stressful and to be honest I wasn't coping there) and build myself up again over the next 2 weeks.. and not rely on professionals to get me through. I still do think that I need to stop seeing CPN and therapist and just get on with life.. although that seems scary too. For now I plan to just try to muster up some more self control somehow, and rely more on myself. But then it is only 2pm.. nights are the worse so i may not be saying this in 8 hours time! Guess I need to plan in some things now to keep myself safe for the night huh.

Anyway sorry for the waffle but thank you all again for taking the time to read and respond to me. It is hard suffering from attachment issues and always striving for nurturing.. because people form a major part of every day life so the issues can be a constant struggl to get over. Additionally getting help is hard because I get addicted to the person helping by the very nature of it. It's all so complicated and sometimes very overwhelmingly hopeless. Argh. Anyway, thanks again everyone.. especially to those who have shared details and experiences about themselves.

Jenny xx

[Christine001]

hi jenny,

if you have attachement issues they are going to surface in your therapy and being attached to your therapist is actually an important part of the therapy. the issue is for me that the texting is not a good thing, that you really need to understand what she understands about this issue of abandonment. that the end of the therapy has to meet your needs re managing the attachment and very likely feelings of abandonment or else it will be yet another experience where you feel you have failed or she has failed.

I am going through something re attachement at the moment and its terrifically hard but most of the time I trust my T to help me through this. It sort of exeperiencing it first hand rather than taking about what is happening in relationships in rl or in the past. you will make the same mistakes but have the opportunity to work these through without you getting involved in your T problems. though she neeeds to be really skilled to deal with the transferance and countertransferance stuff.

I think a frank discussion with her is needed. She should be telling you that attachment to the T is actually a part of any psychodynamic therapy and that she can handle this with you if she doesnt then my view she isnt aware enough.

[natfredricks]

It's all very interesting, dear jenny, what you write! i think men have much more self-control than women-may be go for a male counsellor?He won't be happy if you contact him between sessions, I am sure.

Also I tried to give up swearing several years ago- that gave me enormous SELF CONTROL- but it was SO HARD!!SO HARD!!!

[jenny1471]

Thank you. I really hear you Christine. I guess that's why I chose psychodynamic therapy and why I was so open with her at the beginning telling her about my intense attachment issues. We talked about the contact between sessions on Wednesday and it was good to get it out in the open. She says she has no problem with me emailing her and we're going to stop the texting. I pointed out that she encouraged me to do both in the first place.. but she says she just didn't realise how it would get out of control. I totally trust her (which is strange for me!) so will really try to work this through with her. I might even learn some self control from it too.

I'm still open to the CPN and both are in contact with each other. They've put together a plan that if I am strugglping during the week then I should phone my CPN. It feels more contained at the moment.. it feels safer. I just hope I can work through the attachment safely and not get hurt.

Anyway will stop waffling. Thanks everyone for your replies xx

[lucy]

the best therpist i had was one who let me be a kid i would sit in therpay with a blanket and a rabbit and sit and cry and be hidden i would ask her to sit next to me and she sat on the floor with me

it was my space to be a kid

she was a transactional analysts

you are being clear about what you find hard with you t she should watch the boudaries and be clear with you

i stalked a t after therpay was finished i tell new t that i did this and be i ask for contracts what i can do as ringing up etc i often write emails and dont send them i just print them out and talk about it in the next session

you will get there not have any imput would make it easier in the short term but it wouldnt resolve your problem

Lucy

[JasmineRose]

Attachment pain is hard, so hard. But yes, you work through it in therapy, It takes time. But changes can happen. And the original wound and scars, you can bear them more gently. In time. Alongside the rage and the tears and the screaming. It is all a part of it.