jillv Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 This may seem a strange thing to post about in Good Day and Recovery, and while its not Good Day I certainly think its a major step forward for me in my Recovery. Some of you may remember me posting about the difficult relationship I have with my nearly 30 year old daughter. We both have BPD which makes for a hard like sometimes. Well for many years I have paid for a mobile phone contract for her. She has never paid me a penny towards it, despite promising to, and she has repeatedly gone over her minutes and landed me with huge bills. I have threatened to terminate the contract in the past, but because of my feelings of guilt i have never gone ahesd with it. Last month the bill was £130, so i told her enough was enough. I cancelled the contract and asked for a PAYG sim so she could keep the same number. Sohe culd keep using the phone until the new sim was registered. Yesterday the sim arrived so I phoned her and told her I would be round later to register the sim and give it to her. She wasn't happy! I went round after work, She wasn't very well and obviously in a bad place mentally. She refused to give me her phone so i could use it to phone the company. She said it wasnt fair because i hadn't given her enough notice (I thought a month was fair!). I eventually phoned and the nice man asked if her contacts had been transferred to the phone, which they hadn't, so I said I would call back. She complained there would be no credit on the sim. She then threw me out of her house with a torrent of abuse. I text her to say I would be round today to do it, and if she didn't comply I would just cancel the contract via my phone and leave her with nothing. She told me if I did that she wouldn't have a mother anymore. I went round today. She refused to co-operate. She said I was bullying and threatening her. So I came home, phoned up, registered the new sim, and ended the contract. She will be without a phone until she comes to me to get the sim. I would have put some credit on to ease the transition, but not now. I need someone to say 'Well done'. I know me standing up to her and not being made to feel guily is the right thing for me. but also the right thing for her in the long run. I WILL NO LONGER BE MANIPULATED BY HER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleCrumble Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 Well done!! :-) I think you did the right thing. I think the bills would only have got worse, and she's old enough to work it out for herself *hugs* don't feel guilty. You're helping her to grow up xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 i'll second that well done... she has somewhat abused your generosity and stuff with repeatedly going over her minutes and it really isn't fair to lumber you with a massive bill every time she does this... imo you have done it all right - you had a plan in place so you wouldn't leave her without a phone, now she is left without one i am afraid that she is doing that to herself... hopefully she will see that soon... i know it's hard but believe me, you have nothing to feel guilty over... safe loving hugs hunni xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 Well done! Don't feel guilty you are taking a stand for yourself! X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 Really well done xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibley Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 That must have been really tough for you. Well done, stick to what you say, it's the only way forward. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted August 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 Thank you all for your praise and affirmations. I was terriffied you would all emulate what she says about me, i.e. that I am a complete bitch. It was hard to do, initially, but in the end she made it easier for me. In therapy I have been working on saying 'no' to her, and on boundaries in general. Looks like it is finally working! It is so hard to watch your child struggle, but I have finally realised that I have done too much enabling, which is just helping to keep her stuck at an emotionally immature age. k*-0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 you have done sooo well hun! u don't want her growing up thinking she can use and abuse anyone who doesn't do what she wants! she will suffer in life if u do and u are already sufferring it! u've done well hun! really! good on u to sticking to ur guns! think long term...if u weren't here ...god forbid.....she could never survive with that way of thinking with anyonelse! ur doing a disservice to her not to make her responsible and i applaud u xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 Hi Kalico, just to let you know i agree with what youve done, being a parent is hard sometimes an they sure do know how to push boundaries. It's hard to know if you are right sometimes until you talk it over with someone i find anyway, and believe me you were right in what you did. You did it fairly, giving her plenty of advance notice, and ultimately the experience will help her in recovery, as enablement is bad for both sides, in different ways. Well done, I'm glad therapy is working on a practical level in your life too, xx am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted August 17, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 Thank you Bad Kitteh and Jades for your words of reassurance. Just a quick update: she came round to get the sim. Was actually quite pleasant, and not at all aggressive, But I couldn't find the sim! I think I may have dropped it at her house. Its her fault, cos had she let me register it at her house, it would have been put straight in the phone. So she can sort it out now. Today I feel sad for her. I don't want her to be isolated, without a phone. And I don't want her to be suffering like she does, with her MH. But again, its down to her to do something about it. This week some guy who she thought was her friend tried to throttle her. She has marks around her neck and has difficulty talking. I told her that although it wasn't her fault, she puts herself and her child in dodgy situations, so she must take some responsibility for it. I want to kill the guy. She thinks I am not simpathetic or don't care. Little does she know how it all affects me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted August 17, 2012 Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 Think your dealing really well with the situation. maybe she respects you more now that you stand up to her? think her being okay proves it will pass and you dont have to take her crap for fear of losing her xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted August 17, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 I think you are right Pandora. This bpd thing is soooo difficult. She fears me abandonong her, I fear losing her. But now, with a few boundaries in place hopefully she will feel more secure and I will feel less used and fearful.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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