Very Sad And Depressed.

[Maddison]

A few things have dragged me down low over the past few days. I am struggling to keep safe and I feel unheard mainly because I am not talking about my feelings and how bad it is becoming in my mind.

Some will know here about a neighbor I have that shouts at her 2 children a lot of the time. This weekend she seems to be trying for a medal or some recognition of her foulness. I spoke to a different neighbor/friend on Friday and she said she was getting a little tired of the noise. This neighbors house is detached so she doesn't hear as badly as we do.

Last night was a full on screaming and yelling for maybe 3 hours I couldn't bring myself to look but my husband did they were in their garden that is why it was so clear. It has been real hot here so windows are open. I don't know how we've missed this but she is pregnant., My husband said for me to look as he couldn't tell if she had just put weight on. I looked and she is pregnant I don't know how we could have not seen before as she looks about 7 months gone. What does all that shouting do to her baby? So I expect things to get much worse for us all.

I feel so damn angry all the people that IVF and she is having her third. Where is the sense?

[OrangeLamp]

(((mad)))

Stay safe, it sounds horrible I know I would feel awful in the same situation. My way of getting round that sort of thing was to wear noise cancelling earphones which helped, but it can't be easy living somewhere you don't feel safe. :<

[AppleCrumble]

Urgh, can you call social services or anyone? xx

[Maddison]

I can't block out her noise as I've my own kids but that is a good idea hunni. I do feel safe here I am just tired of her shouting as it triggers me.

I don't think she is abusing them. I don't know what abuse is if you can understand me? Is shouting abusing? She says horrible things but a lot of parents shout. I don't know what to do my husband threatened last night to shout at her to stop shouting but I begged him not to as I don't want her to turn on me or my children. I don't feel scared of her but I don't want her to start shouting at my kids.

It is hard to say what is my own issues and what is her being intolerant of her children. She is shouting right now over a sandpit I think. They gave their kids a sandpit but any time they move the sand a way from the sand pit she yells.

[OrangeLamp]

if its noisy and disturbing, police are an option.

[Maddison]

Everyone hears her but it seems it is just me that is hurt which makes me think it is my problem. Lousy parents are easy to find I think she might just be that.

[catsmother21]

((((Maddison)))) xx

[Maddison]

Does any one think she sounds abusive? I know I'm a mom myself but can other mom's here say how often they lose their temper? I don't shout much at my kids but then their daddy is strict and maybe other people would think that is bad. I don't know and I need help?

[AppleCrumble]

Hm, I think she isn't coping well with dealing with whatever the kids are doing, and that could be a reason to ring SS - I'm sure it can be anonymous - just you were worried about how she was coping, and unable to deal with the kids without losing her temper.

I really think she could do with effective parenting classes - as obviously whatever technique (shouting) at her kids is not helping - as it's been going on for so long. Hm, maybe the dad is strict, and the mum isn't able to do it in the same way, and so uneven parenting? So they misbehave as she's not as strict? Worth calling the noisey neighbour scheme people?... are you in the US or UK btw?

It can be really bad for the kid if they're always being told of, but not necessarily being told why, or able ot understand why its wrong what they're doing (if indeed they are doing something wrong, and the mother isn't just being OTT controlling...

I hate the sound of shouting - adults to adults or kids and adults - it makes me distressed too. Usually as it was my dad and I arguing, and it could turn physical and I know the two people arguing are unlikely to suddenly be violent against me for being in the same room, but it puts me on edge... :-( Horrible. *hugs* xxxxxxx

[Maddison]

I'm from the U.S but live in the UK. For some years we've noticed that there is less shouting at the weekend so put that down to the daddy being home. Last weekend the mom was shouting a lot we closed our windows and turned the TV up as I was getting upset. My friend/ neighbor that I spoke to on Friday said that they heard both the mom and dad shouting and swearing at each other. Knowing she is pregnant now that makes me feel sick.

The situation I can't understand is about 8am I hear her shouting for her kids to get out of their bedrooms. Her kids are real young so why aren't they up at 6am like everyone's kids at that age? About 7pm the bed time shouting starts -

STAY IN YOUR ROOM

DON'T YOU DARE COME DOWN HERE AGAIN

If they are in bed early why can't they get up in the morning?

I feel paranoid I don't think I am very well I keep crying the smallest things are hurting me so bad.

[Tan19]

I'm sorry this is happening hun

It really is stressful! I would definaltly start taking some form of action now

I think a call to the police for noise disturbance is an option or a call to social service just to voice concerns on the shouting

Social services aren't always devils, they can be of help

They aren't going to run in and take her kids just for shouting

They can offer support hopefully

If you don't want to do any of those things, maybe your husband having a word is a good idea? But a kind one, just saying the shouting is disturbing you etc

Another option could be getting a few neighbours who agree and writing a letter and posting it through her door

Dnt make it a attack on her parenting, just voice the issue which is the noise,

It's to loud and too frequent and you will not tolerate it anymore

You can't keep ignoring it when it's making you so sad

I hope things get better xx

[Maddison]

I feel like every one else is having the opinion-

She is just one of those people that shouts all day and night.

My husband would happily say some thing but I know he will talk down to her and she seems the sort of person that would hate on us all as long as we live here.

It is all crazy in my brain is it abuse? And shouting like she has been all year and she is pregnant.

[sundries]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss/279-0349136-5592216?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=shouting+without+discipline+or+spanking

The problem is that it used to be acceptable to shout and even hit your kids so it is hard to judge. My personal opinion is, ' would a teacher behave like that? would you behave like that to an adult?' if not then it is possibly poor parenting. abuse is a strong word so would you go that far? I don't know it is really hard to know. I would have thought constant shouting would count as emotional abuse. If it is upsetting you imagine how it feels for a little kid with a large adult standing over them screaming.

I've put a link for a book you can get off amazon second hand really cheap. Maybe you could anonymously put it through her door b4 going down the social worker/police route. I'd say get your husband to give it to her, but I hear what you are saying about how she might then turn on your family. The social services route can be helpful, but it puts a masive strain on families so always think it is worth trying something else first if you aren't sure it is abuse - but don't leave it too long as if the children are being abused then they need help.

[Maddison]

Hunni I am with you when we were kids spanking and shouting was fine that is what happened if you misbehaved or talked back. We know better now and most of us I hope don't do what was done to us. We are human and we get tired and annoyed so I don't think shouting is abuse and abuse is a real strong phrase, Shouting can be abuse I'm sure it was to me, that is why it triggers me. I think that kids have to learn that some times they annoy people and they will get shouted at isn't that what life is like? If you want them to be happy and able to stand on their own two feet don't they need a rounded view? And annoying people or pissing them off and them letting you know is a part of that teaching? My kids don't do as I ask then they are punished, earlier bedtimes or extra jobs.

I don't know how much is me not coping with her behaviour. Millions of kids are raised in ways that I don't like but that isn't to say abuse is happening.

[jezebel]

Hi Maddison,

Hope things are okay, I know how triggering and upsetting this kind of neighbour can be. Is it possible that her pregnancy hormones are causing her to be angrier than usual? Especially as it can't be much fun to be pregnant in this type of heat. I don't want to excuse the behaviour but that might give some explanation to more recent emergence of this - maybe she is also stressed out as she has another kid on the way.

I've recently been triggered by some very angry people, it has made me realise how much stuff in my childhood has affected my reaction to stuff - I didn't necessarily grow up in a household that had a lot of abuse but there was anger and fear and no real reason for this (at least not that I was aware of at the time) - it's a difficult area to say if this is abuse or not - I felt it was/is but my mother, who worked for social services at the time, didn't seem to think it was anything less than normal familial relations. I've been reminded recently (in most recent crisises) how lucky I am to still have my parents in my life, so there is hope for the other side, even for those kids if there is anger and abuse - It wasn't easy but we've worked through it in my adult years so there is hope for them (from my view).

If you are concerned about the kids but don't want to contact social services directly, you can speak to the NSPCC - they might also have suggestions about how to make an approach if you wanted to do this (although if you are triggered by anger and upset by it this may not be the best idea.)

Are there any local parenting groups such as Sure Start in your area that you might know of? They too might have access to support services that you could offer to her (or post through the door anonymously).

Mostly, just wanted to give you a virtual hug and hope you are able to get through it.

[Maddison]

Jezebel thank you hunni having am emotional night so will answer tomorrow.

[Tan19]

((hugs))

[Maddison]

Thank you Tan and Jezebel. I have thought pregnancy hormones might be making her worse as I don't remember another time when she has been so loud. It isn't healthy the baby will hear her and the stress is bad for everyone. Today I was hanging the laundry in the garden and she was shouting something at her kids this was around 8am.

Been running errands most of the day so I think I need to try and keep busy.

[natfredricks]

She shouldn't be shouting at her kids-it is emotional abuse.

[jezebel]

Staying busy is definitely a good plan and it will leave you with less time to worry (and on the plus side means you are doing something productive) - been helping my dad out this afternoon and it flew by after a minor panic attack at lunchtime and anxious morning and it helped get my mind off it.

Hope things get better for you Maddison - sending you hugs and thoughts from my side :)

[Maddison]

Thank you Jezebel and Natfredricks.

I know shouting can be abuse but I don't think it is always abuse most parents shout at some times. I don't know and I'm not feeling so strong in my self which makes it harder to be clear.