Pickle59 Posted September 3, 2012 Report Share Posted September 3, 2012 I don’t know what I was hoping for or wishing for. Twelve lots of therapy and have gone from weeks of sobbing to feeling very, very flat, disinterested in most things,(except the paralympics), feel unworthy of supporting anyone, cos they don’t really care either way whether I’m around or not, feel unimportant, not worth peoples efforts, have nothing to say of any interest, and feel back in a really hopeless state. What a pissy pot of a place to be in. I really do feel worthless and unloveable. This is now making me cry again which I haven’t done for a while, just having said it here. That’s it. I feel worthless and unloveable. What I find more frustrating than anything arrrrrrrgggh, is that people say I look different, calmer, less strained, but I feel like shit. At the same time as feeling so flat I am raging? Does this make any sense? My feelings of anger and rage came up in my last therapy session, and he was saying things like ‘’what would you say or do if you could’’, rather than the usual vetting how I feel truly, to take into consideration the other peoples feelings, so I edit edit edit, it is so ingrained, but it paralyses me. I feel paralysed now, or maybe I’m not and there really is nothing go on, or I am so afraid that I really am a horrible person if I really go deep. Simply a shitbag. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do or how to be. With noone to love me or care for me or about me I am truly a hopeless individual. Always have been, but I have now driven everyone away and I have absolutely no inclination to make any effort anymore to change this because it always goes wrong and people leave. Hate the way I feel and hate who I am deep down. So utterly pathetic and needy and how is this ever going to change anymore. Been fighting it all my life, running away from it, but it isn’t going to change is it? I don’t have the energy or inclination anymore to run away from myself, so I’m stuck with it and it is truly horrible. Maybe my mum was right when she verbally slammed me to the ground Just want to sleep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted September 3, 2012 Report Share Posted September 3, 2012 Huge hugs pickle I am here and god do I understand Everything you have written is how I feel inside right now I feel so alone and I too can't get the energy to change this as people leave anyway It hurts And your right it is a horrible horrible place to be in I hope you can start to feel brighter soon I don't have much advice ATM but I am here and I understand The amount of sadness we have felt there must be a good day coming up soon right? It's only fair We'll get there dw xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted September 3, 2012 Report Share Posted September 3, 2012 I know how hard it is to hold onto hope that things will change I'm a hypocrite as I am feeling terribe too But underneath all my hurt I know that things can improve And things will improve for you too Your not unimportant Not here atleast x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imdebbiem Posted September 3, 2012 Report Share Posted September 3, 2012 (((pickle))) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2012 (((Tan))) You are in no way a hypocrite and you reach out to people even in your desperate place, which I really appreciate. Thank you.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted September 3, 2012 Report Share Posted September 3, 2012 Oh Pickle- I really feel for you and totally understand how you're feeling. After a period of therapy,i regretted it so much,to start off. What i had been doing for weeks was something i had actively avoided all of my life; I had looked into myself very intensely,facing myself in a way that was very intrusive. I hated what i saw.I couldn't stand the person i found.It was just awful. However,after a while,my new insight helped me to understand what made me tick and what triggered me.It was tough to admit to my undesireable traits,but because they were identified,i was able to adjust my behaviour and make positive changes. Do not despair hun.You are at the very start of a journey to self acceptance.Well done for getting to where you are today.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apollo 13 Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 I feel paralysed now, or maybe I’m not and there really is nothing go on, or I am so afraid that I really am a horrible person if I really go deep. Simply a shitbag. Been there, have the T shirt, and can send you one if you truly want it?. I don't know if it appllies to you, as we are all individuals, but I struggle to connect.....I simply don't get humans, and their pathalogical desire to be sheep?. YOU are an individual, a beautiful being, outside of the parochial, a portent of (hopefully) beings to come...........YOU are the Linux to the Windows, the Chrome to the IE9, , the Saviour of the Universe........ah wait, that's my job, or is it, okay let's arm wrestle.....but I have a feeling YOU are going to WIN!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((imdebbiem))) Thank you for reading and for the hug.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooky Ducky Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Oh pickle I am in no state to help i am afraid but i just wanted to say i know just how you feel and feel deeply for you big hugs Cooky Ducky xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((Eagleheart))) Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.xxxxxxxxxx Ive had loads of private therapy over the years, of all different kinds, and each in there way has helped me to bounce forward from the place I have been in at any one time and move forward. This therapy is very different and taking me backwards and that is horrible and yet I understand deep down that it is necessary, because I keep coming up against the same old things in different guises, so I suppose this is like getting right in to the wound, cleaning it out, and about, as you say, self acceptance and awareness. It has really highlighted that I am and must be very difficult to love because of who I am. What it is opening up is the fact that I am very sad, scared and very needy and on my own feel totally inadequate. Its brought up huge abandonment issues, which I have pfff pffffed in the past, (my brother was dead at birth), I was in hospital for most of my early years and since I can remember, I have always reacted very badly to my mother, but deep down there, I know I am very very angry and frustrated and maybe she has picked that up all my life. I don't know whether it is the chicken or egg situation. I have always felt second best. I'm really sorry about your mother by the way, but I also understand some of your feelings I think, to some degree. I remember one of my work colleagues many years ago telling me that their mother had died, and me being what I thought was supportive, but him saying, '' I couldn't be happier. I can get on with my life now.'' I remember being so shocked at the time, but as my life has progressed I understand it more and more. My mother has always been so disappointed in me and does not hide it. I have lived under this shadow all my life and it has affected me very deeply. I ended up having lots of fight in me from the age of 11 and found music.I made a career out of it, much to the disgust of my family, stepping out of my station and all that, but I was good at it. I am good at it, but I have lost the passion and therefore my emotional outlet. Thank you for being encouraging and sending a big hug to you. I don't know whether anything I have said here makes any sense, but I need to get it out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((Apollo13))) I so understand what you say here and I love the way you put things. I have always found connecting with people very very difficult outside of when I found music as a means of expressing and connecting, but this after many years has gone tits up too. I have always felt different and never really felt like I fitted in anywhere really. I made efforts to fit in cos you must mustn't you? and people wanted me to fit in regarding the music side of things because I was good, but what has happened here over the years, is that I have fallen out with most people. I know how to be what other people want me to be in order to be accepted, and have done this for years, but when the real me comes out, people run away far and awide. I do feel very alone and disconnected unless I try to be what others want and need. Does this make any sense? This goes for work relations, personal relations and family relations. so in some ways what I am trying and struggling to say, is that when people believe in me I believe in myself, but when I drive them all away I feel like I am left with nothing, because I have needed people to need me, and without that I am left with nothing again, someone who doesn't fit. I'm very confused Appollo. I think I understand more of what you express than I can express myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((Cookyducky))). thank you.xx Have read many of your posts, and just wanted to say here, that my eating has never been right, had anorexia and bulimia up to the age of 23, and then it sort of became a bit more stable, but it really is still all over the place. My physical appearance defies how much I abuse my body with what I eat and how I eat, still. I suppose it is about self care and I am very bad at that, except I have always made huge efforts to cover all this up. I suppose the space I'm in at the moment is that it is just another representation of how f*****d up I am, and it always comes out in the end and that is when other people are shocked and run a mile. I'm just one big unhappy baby really, but if I am going to find any happiness I have to learn to love myself, accept myself and take care of myself. this really is the hardest thing to do. I'm trying, I really am. I have always been ashamed of so much about me, and I have fooled lots of people until they can't be fooled anymore.I'm tired and exhausted of fooling myself too. I'm a f***k up. How do I deal with this, accept this and be true to this and continue to be part of things. Watching the paralympics I am so moved by, but especially all the expressions of how people wouldn't be where they are without all the family support etc. I think how beautiful and moving, and oh what must it feel like. They are all blooming marvellous. Sending a hug to you too and sorry for being so blooming downbeat, but this is the truth at the moment.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooky Ducky Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Hi Pickle please do not appologyse for being down beat this is about the 1 place I feel I can truly say how I am feeling and you must too. To everyone else they get some degree of cover up and in one of your earlier posts you said: people said ho much better and carmer you were looking when you really felt crap (or something like that) and that is it really they just dont see it even if I have tried to tell them how bad I am feeling they insist on glossing over and telling me but I am looking better or there were some good points so I must be a bit better even my pyschologyst. Like you I cant ever see and end to this continuos circle of feeling crap - managing a while then feeling crap again (ooops sorry gone off on one) I am suposed to be an adult and cope like everyone else. You are right we do need to learn to love ourselves, this is the difficult bit I like you cant find anything worth loving and feel not worth loving not even by me. sorry Pickle I dont seem to have cheered you up. I have been enjoying the paralimpics too and feel in or at their achievements. Look after yourself Cooky Ducky xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((Cookyducky))) You have cheered me up, just by the very fact that by you responding and identifying, I don't feel so alone, and surely I can't really truly be the only one who honestly feels like this, so you have helped me, though I wouldn't wish it on anyone... Glad you are enjoying the paralympics, truly amazing achievements.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooky Ducky Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Good I am glad I haven't sunk you any further, I tend to get those blimey someone else feels like me feelings even when I read how sad someone is feeling which sounds wrong really but I think you are right it is about being able to identify with someone and they understand somehow. Cooky Ducky xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((Cookyducky))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Pickle- Thankyou for shaing so openly.I find it admirable & brave. People who are too lazy or prejudiced to take the time to SEE the real you,don't deserve an ounce of your attention and energy. And that includes family. I can say this,because i wasted my entire life trying to be pleasing to my mother.It NEVER worked,but i kept slogging away,draining myself of my vitality. You are a wonderful,talented woman and i hope you can step out of the shadows and hold your lovely head up and say "This is me.If you don't like it,fuck off and bug someone else!" And when you do get to that point,i'll be right by your side,supporting you all the way.Take heart hun. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((Eagleheart))) That really makes me smile. '' This is me, if you don't like it, fuck off and bug someone else''. Must be so liberating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 Stand up right now,wherever you are (maybe not in public at first!) and shout it out. I know you feel inhibited,but it is perfectly okay to stand in the bath (fully clothed or not!) and force those words out of your mouth. Nothing bad will happen.You will not be struck down by a lightning bolt from heaven. I think you will feel a release.I often scream obscenities in my living room.I am a foul-mouthed jezebel! It allows me to appear "normal" in public! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 ((((Pickle))))) I so relate to you.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 (((Growly))).xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted September 4, 2012 Report Share Posted September 4, 2012 huge hugs pickle xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 5, 2012 Report Share Posted September 5, 2012 :hug2: Pickle xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted September 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2012 Ive run out of likes, but want to thank you all for taking the time to read and for being so supportive and understanding.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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