Bpd , Violent And Being Bad Parents

[walker]

had parents who did their best

their very best

but still fkd walker up

tried to do as good as them

but fkd up

have shouted/sworn at children (now adults)

thrown things slammed doors

emotions just so out of control it was as much as we could do sometimes not to hit them

but the only thing we were EVER able to do that they NEVER EVER DID for us

was say sorry

say sorry for getting angry

say sorry if we upset them

say sorry if we got things wrong

father never said sorry for his rages, criticism, etc

mother never said sorry if - well cant remember

yes - we are not a good mum, not a good person - but we HAVE TRIED to do the best we could - sometimes we just didnt have the resources to know WHAT to do

[Tan19]

I can see what you mean by that addy and I am not trying to sound as if I'm blaming my parents

But if I'm honest it is their fault. I was a child and whatever they decided to expose me to as a child ultimately had an effect on me now

Children don't grow up with fears of abandonment unless they have have been exposed to those situations in their childhood

I do blame my mum for me having these issues but I don't blame her for the mistakes I've made

She may have given me these insecurities but ultimately I must take responsibility for my actions

Every time I get dumped for example for being too needy, I can't just say "that's mums fault" as my sister does everyday

Because its not, yes I'm needy due to feeling scared of abandonment but I choose what I do

I think it's a hard balance to have if I'm honest, to be able to understand we are not to blame without us just taking no responsibility for anything.

I hope I make sense here lol

And I understand what you said about parenting, i am adamant that i will be the complete opposite of what my parents were to me. I will make sure that my kids don't go through what I did because I know what their lives could end up like if they do

But it is easier said than done I think, we all want the best but sometimes if we dnt deal with the issues we have deep down we may not be able to act the way we know is right

For ex/ I don't want to feel upset everytime my boyfriend doesn't reply

As strong as my intentions are to be nothing like my mum I still do get like that

So I have to deal with the issues in order to be what I want to be.

[Tan19]

I agree walker..it is so hard to know what to do when you were never taught

But we try out best because there's no other choice,

You can't just say "I was never taught so I'll give up"

[addy2]

I understand tan I would never be this way either if my parents hadn't treated me the way they did. I know what you mean about dealing with the issues so you can be the person you want to be and I agree it is easier said than done. I know I am far from perfect as a parent I sometimes shout and get cross or just want to be alone or stay in bed but what I am meaning is no parent is perfect and because we have BPD we are labelled as bad parents, I know people who are crap parents and don't have BPD. I know everyone deals differently with stuff in life and yeah our parents can definitely fuck us up for life, I am just so determined not to do that to mine. Walker I have done all those things as well you are not a bad parent you are human with emotions and saying sorry is a good thing it proves to your children that you love them and that everyone does wrong things sometimes. I never hit my children either I never would and I try so hard, sometimes yeah I fuck up I shout at them or I slam the door or break something but you know what so do other parents who don't have BPD we are all human with emotions and reactions its ok.

[Tan19]

Your right

Just because we have BPD doesn't mean we are destined to be the list of symptoms they say we have

We all make choices

And as you said there are many bad parents, manipulative people etc etc that don't have BPD

x

[Maddison]

I wasn't shown love I wasn't nurtured. I was abused and I am borderline. My kids don't get abused I had to learn how to be a non abusive parent and I had to do that before they were born. I don't think having borderline is an excuse for not being a non abusive parent plenty of people are bad parents with or with out borderline. We give our kids the best we can and who is perfect? I don't think it is my parents abuse that should control my kids future it is my responsibility, borderline or not.

[Maddison]

Sorry Siamblue but I've had a lot of criticism on this forum about my points of view. Messages saying I want to upset people and topics removed when they've been taken the wrong way then put back as people just didn't understand so they complained about me. I think this is a cool place but I have turned a little hard to what some people say here as I've had some criticism that if I took it in my heart I couldn't come back here.

[walker]

would a mod please delete my earlier post

[Tan19]

I've just re read my post from earlier

When I said " we can't just say we were never taught so we give up" I wasn't aiming that at you walker

I'm sorry if it seems like that?

I was saying that part separately if that makes sense but it looks like I'm writing that in reply to you personally

Sorry if it looks like that x

[walker]

bless you tan

wasnt because of what you said at all

just should not have taken part in this

xxxx

[Tan19]

Oh ok, I was worried incase my post came across like that

xx

[addy2]

Why not? Everyone has an opinion. Its funny how I wrote that trying to defend us as parents and people and how I struggle with the stigma of BPD and some people just take wrong, know what its pointless then were all destined to be fuck ups in life through choice or not we are all bad manipulaitive people, is that better?

[walker]

jeeeez

its nothing to do with anyone

ok??

we are going through shit right now

and we should not have posted

cant explain more

its NOT PERSONAL

its walker being a fk head

[addy2]

Just forget it I rarely post here now I know why I can never do right for doing wrong, its not your fault either walker you are entitled to remove what you want. Life is just crap anyway.

[walker]

so sorry addy

so so so so sorry

xxxx

[Tan19]

Addy is something wrong?

[Tan19]

Walker you do not have to feel bad or sorry for a thing you can delete whatever you want when you want

And addy, you haven't done anything wrong or bad either? I think everyone's wires are getting crossed

I liked this post as it caused a discussion and I learnt new ways of thinking x

[Christine001]

I am not as well adjusted as some people can be with bpd so I am a good enough parent now but before I understood that my behaviour was sometimes extreme due to my inability to regulate my emotions my children did suffer. they suffer now when I am serverely depressed but I do my best to limit this.

Some people on here have children in care because some of their feelins thoughts and behaviours are not always in control, after all bpd is a set of symptoms and is a disorder aand self control is part of the probelm, so my view is that whilst we want to be a good parent and love our children ist not as simple as just taking responsibility for our selves.

I am sort of confused about how people dont seem to understand this here.

Not everyone has as yet been able to get the support that they need in order to manage and regulate thier symptoms, sort of feels wrong to then say they are responsible for all their actions. People who hide their heads in the sand and dont give a fk about their children then that makes me cross.

My view is that all the people I know and call my friends on here try super hard to be the best parents we can and we should be applauded. x

[Maddison]

Addy you raised some good points and so have others and I'm glad you started this discussion even if you aren't hunni.

[Maddison]

Try and explain it for you Christine -

If you can't look after yourself don't try and have a child as you won't be able to care for them. If you can't take your own responsibility don't expect to take another's. If you can't get through a day with out drink, drugs or violence then don't have a kid it isn't responsible.

[walker]

christ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if only it was that bloody simple

[addy2]

That's all I was trying to say we can be the best parents we can be, I don't regulate my emotions properly I fly of the handle, over react but I was just saying how I thought it wrong to label all people with bpd as bad parents and violent, I am not perfect but I try that's all any parent can do, bpd or not. Sorry I am just stressed now, not with this but with life, been in a weird mood all day. I just wanted to say we are people bpd or not doesn't make us bad, I hate to think people think we are bad,

[Christine001]

oh boy perhaps we have to agree to differ here. maybe that parenting and having bpd and full responsibility just is isnt so black and white Eh.

[Christine001]

had another think about this whilst trying to get a stroppy pre teenager to go to bed, lol.

I can understand why anyone would have very strong feelings about people being parents if they had parents that abused them and took no responsibility for this. My parents abused me and will never recognise they did. I have recognised the potential I have due to my behvaviour but its took unfortunately over 8 years after I had children.

I dont know if thats part of where you are coming from Maddison?

[addy2]

I agree Christine, we are all different and parent different, I am sure my kids would have something to say about having a mother with bpd. Its not simple being a parent at all.x sorry if I offended you walker or anyone.