artemis84 Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 I have a bit of a dilemma and could do with some advice. I have a history of anorexia nervosa and have previously been hospitalized for a lengthy period because my weight got so low. However, I left hospital 2 and a half years ago and have now also been discharged from my community ED team. Managing my weight is still a daily battle but so far (somehow!) I have managed to maintain within the healthy boundaries set out by my doctors etc. My problem is, I currently weigh more than I ever have before, even immediately after the re-feeding program in hospital. This in itself is an anxiety-causing situation for me but what is currently bothering me more, in fact really worrying me, is the fact that my BMI is almost hitting 22. Whilst I can understand that weight fluctuates from day to day and even within the day, this BMI signifies a massive new boundary that I am about to cross. I am very reluctant to accept that number and I now really want to ‘diet’ to take it back down. I know that I sound like a textbook anorexic when I say that but I truly don’t want to go back to where I was when I was so ill, I just want to keep my BMI between 20 and 21 because if I have to stay within the healthy 20-25 range (which is what I’ve been told), that’s the lowest I can be. The thing is, I’m worried that if I start really trying to lose weight, I might get caught up in the obsession that it can so easily become. On the other hand though I can’t just keep watching my BMI go up and up… Things came to a bit of a head at the weekend when I also went clothes shopping and discovered that to get anything to fit me I had to go up a size from before – that’s more than 3 sizes in less than 3 years. I know that people who wear that size of clothes are not fat but for me it just seems huge. Likewise I know a BMI of 22 is nowhere near fat but I feel it is too big for me. Argh, it seems like an impossible situation…any ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 I would want you to accept that you are beautiful and torturing your self over your BMI when you are a healthy size is sad for you. I know you wouldn't choose to feel like this but can you throw the weight scales a way? A 22 BMI is fine, you were ill before, being well is about having a higher BMI? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted September 25, 2012 Report Share Posted September 25, 2012 Hi I'm afraid I don't have any real insight or suggestions. I am inclined to agree with Maddison in that how you feel about yourself isn't really based on the weight you are, but how you can accept yourself. I know this is all sounded all very cliche so sorry about that, and it's hard because I don't fully accept myself either. So while its easy to say its hard to do! It's great that you have the self awareness so that you know if you start to diet things might spiral out of control. It's good to know that and to be aware of it should you decide to diet. I wonder if you could contact the department to ask for some advice.. I know you're discharged now but it might help. I'm really sorry I don't have any insight in this department but I wanted to reply and let you know that I'm thinking of you. Truly hope you are able to feel happy within yourself regardless of a BMI figure. But I know that's easier said than done. Take good care of yourself X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2012 Thanks for your replies guys. Maddison, much as it is hard for me to accept it, what you say is the simple truth. A higher BMI is only a symptom of being 'well'. It is just learning to live with that fact that is hard. I know it is the anorexic side of me that is gnawing away in my mind and I know that having had a serious eating disorder, I am never likely to be truly free from that. I just have to keep fighting it, if I let it creep back in it will take over again, I know it will. But it is so hard to be on top of it all day every day and so exhausting. Jenny, thank you for your kind thoughts, it makes such a difference to know I am not totally alone with my worries. I hadn't thought of getting back in touch with the department, I might give them a call. I know they would probably tell me what you have already said when it comes down to it but they might be able to remind me of some practical measures that could help too. I wish I did accept myself for who I am, I wish I could believe that I am good enough and I wish I could learn to be happy. I am trying so hard to learn how and I have come some way along the road but I know I have some deep rooted issues that I still have to work on. Sometimes though I would do anything just to have a break from the constant battle in my head and be able to give in just for some respite. Sadly though I know from experience that you can't just give in to anorexia for a 10 minute break, it will take over given any kind of chance. That's why I feel stuck in the dilemma. I just hope I can keep fighting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted September 25, 2012 Report Share Posted September 25, 2012 Hunni you've done so well, talking here about how you feel is good too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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