CrippleAndStarfish Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 So, the past few days my anxiety has been building and building. It started early last week, as a niggle, and just was so persistent, but low-level enough to not stop me in my tracks. This morning, I woke up and felt like utter shit. Chest was tight, felt like someone had dumped a lorryload of housebricks on my ribcage. Heart was pounding and my eyes couldn't focus. I sat up, and started sobbing. No known reason. Went to wipe my eyes and my hands were shaking badly. Suddenly shaking all over, and burning up. Then came the panic attacks, 2 straight off, one starting as soon as the first had just subsided. Oh god, it was horrible. I said to S, when he came back up with a cup of tea, some toast, and my thomas (he knows sometimes only cat-snuggles will do, and is aware of how calming my furbabies are for me), "I just can't get out of bed today. I can't, I won't... I don't know which, all i know is i'm not moving from this spot." He just gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead and said "okay, whatever you need to do hun. Give me a shout if you need anything, or i could sit with you a while if you like?" and that was that. Half an hour, a cuppa, a slice of toast and about a zillion thomas-hugs later, I came downstairs. Dressed, freshly made up, hair done, and ready to go into town with nana and mum to look at some carpets for nana's new house, and find some laminate flooring and hopefully a nice rug for mine. I figured, fk it, this clearly isn't going away, and i'm sick of giving in to it. Crap, but then got a phonecall saying that the town thing was rescheduled to Weds because of the shitty weather. I was a bit gutted, and had another panic attack as i let myself get too worked up over the change of plans after having psyched myself up to go out. anyway...... The POINT of my post is....... S was working away from the house today, he doesn't do that too often, but it gave me a couple hours on my own. This wasn't great, as I ended up getting a bit lost in not-nice memories, but i snapped myself out of it after a lil bit of a cry, ran to the shop (Well, attempted to go to aldi but it was closed, so went to a few diff shops locally) came home and got dried off, then got busy in the kitchen. Now, I'm curled up on the sofa, just about to go put my pjs on and settle down to watch a movie, with a selection of homemade treats to scoff - cinnamon fork biccies (went a bit overboard and made 80 of them!!!!) golden syrup cookies triple choc chip cookies strawberry and choc chip cookies golden syrup muffins strawberry muffins cinnamon muffins and made 12 mini strawberry cheesecake pots and 12 mini lemon cheesecake pots for S, too, as they're his absolute fave I'm so, so pleased that I didn't allow myself to stay in bed today. It was hard to fight it, and even though the anx is still there, I'm actually more than a little proud of myself, and wanted to share. xxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 Wow that is brilliant! You sound amazing at baking! A right little master chef I wish I could bake I'm so glad you fought against the feelings That is so hard to do and I struggle with it so much too I need to take a leaf out of your book I think! X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted September 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 here, have one *shoves several plates with various goodies on at you* It is bloody difficult, but thankyou hun, i'm really glad i did it too. I think i needed to prove to myself that i still have that strength, that fire in my belly to keep on keepin' on, cause lately i've been giving in to a lot of bad thoughts and bad habits, so i needed this. This time 2 years ago, I couldn't bake for shit, but then i just thought "well, i'll never be able to if i don't start trying, will i?" so i got stuck in, and y'know, i love it! It's such a good distraction, and esp when i make healthier stuff, i feel good, like i'm nurturing myself and building a little on the fact that i matter, by feeding myself good healthy stuff...... I've got some recipes if you want them hun? What's the worst that could happen if you give them a go?? that they'll go wrong.... I failed massively at a batch of cookies today, and burnt a batch of biccies too, I was so annoyed as i allowed myself to get distracted, but that faded completely away when i pulled a fresh, good batch out the next time and esp the cinnamon fork biccies, they're sooo simple, 3 ingredients, 4 including cinnamon but that's optional. And soooo fun! I love making them with my 5 yr old as, apart from putting trays in and out of oven, he does the rest himself and i just oversee. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 I'd love some recipes! I'll give them a go Whenever I make cake it turns out like bread? Dry lol So I gave up on it And well done for pushing through x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted September 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 :) i'll go grab my recipe book when i go for a ciggie and pop some in a reply to this topic for you hunni. Just stick at it, you'll get there generally, if cakes are a bit too dry, reduce the time they're baking for a lil bit. cocktail stick test is always a good one - if you jab one into the middle of it, and it comes out clean, then it's time to get them out, let them cool and then scoffscoffscoff!! if it's damp or any mixture clinging to it, pop them back in for a few more mins xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted September 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 fork biccies - - 250g (8oz) butter, at room temp, + a lil extra for greasing - 150g (4oz) golden caster sugar - 300g (10oz) self-raising flour (makes 32, or a few more or less depending on how big you want them! I've got 80-something teeeny ones from this amount before, but that's cause i'm sad, and was feeling too lazy for a biscuit that i couldn't shove in my mouth in one go! lol ) Preheat oven to: 180c / 350f / gas mark 4. Grease a couple of baking sheets with a bit o' butter. Put the 250g of butter in large bowl and beat until soft. Gradually beat in sugar, then stir in flour. Use hands to bring together into a soft, but non sticky dough. Roll teaspoon-size pieces of dough into balls and place on prepared baking sheets. Dip a fork into cold water and use it to flatten each ball and squish the fork-tong-thing pattern on the top of the biccies. Bake in batches for between 15-20 mins (check at about 10 mins tho as they can brown quickly) and once they've gone a light golden-brown colour, take them out and set them to cool on wire racks. you can add diff stuff too like..... choc chips, stem ginger, or as i've done, cinnamon sugar, which i've cheated on half the batches today and used a cinnamon sugar mix that i got from the shop .....in a grinder similar to the ones you get salt and pepper in. ...Dunno if you've got a B&M or Home Bargains near you, but that's where i always find mine, but will be in supermarkets in home baking section too can use grated cinnamon sticks too, though.... whichever you use, adding it to the caster sugar before you mix it into the butter gets the best results, i've found strawb muffins - - 230g chopped fresh strawberries - 100g caster sugar - 4 tablespoons caster sugar - 50g butter, softened - 2 eggs - 1 teaspoon vanilla extract - 220g plain flour - 1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda - 1/4 teaspoon salt - 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg (makes 12, prep 10 mins, cooks 20 mins) Mush the strawberries and 100g sugar together in a small bowl. Set aside for 1 hour, then drain, separate the liquid and berries and keep both to one side. Preheat the oven to 220 C / Gas 7. Grease a 12 cup muffin tin, or line with paper cases. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter and 4 tablespoons sugar til it's light n fluffy. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the vanilla. Combine the flour, bicarb, salt and nutmeg. stir this into the creamed mixture alternately with the juice from the berries. Gently stir in the berries. Spoon mixture into the prepared muffin cups. Bake for 18-20 min in the preheated oven, or until the tops spring back when lightly touched - careful, though, cause if you're anything like me you won't realise that stuff straight from oven = painfully burny-hot!!! lol Cool in the tin on a wire rack. and i'll add some more tomorrow if you want some others too, once i've unstuck the pages lol! got sticky golden-syrupy fingerprints all over it .... oops! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 It sounds like you have a lot of inner strength, it sounds like S is working out well for you, and it sounds like you have some good recipes . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 thats amazing and you should be so, so proud of yourself for tackling the anxiety and getting through it. can relate as being in that state of fear/panic is the bane of my life. xxxx ps ta for putting up the recipes too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystalfairy Posted September 25, 2012 Report Share Posted September 25, 2012 Oh Gosh, Yummyness! They sound fabulous. Well Done! You have done so well turning around your day and creating so many yummy munchies. May I suggest you take some photos and put them up somewhere in your kitchen, to remind yourself YOU made these (so when the bad days come again you have something to see and remind yourself that YOU have achieved stuff in a very real way) Hope this hasn't upset or dragged you down. Well done again Crystal X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted September 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2012 It sounds like you have a lot of inner strength, it sounds like S is working out well for you, and it sounds like you have some good recipes . thanks Data. I dunno about inner strength, but yep S is being really supportive right now, which is making things so much easier, thankyou, and hehe, they're lovely!! thats amazing and you should be so, so proud of yourself for tackling the anxiety and getting through it. can relate as being in that state of fear/panic is the bane of my life. xxxx ps ta for putting up the recipes too thanks hunni It's bloody horrible it pretty-much always being there, isn't it!! and you're welcome xxxx Oh Gosh, Yummyness! They sound fabulous. Well Done! You have done so well turning around your day and creating so many yummy munchies. May I suggest you take some photos and put them up somewhere in your kitchen, to remind yourself YOU made these (so when the bad days come again you have something to see and remind yourself that YOU have achieved stuff in a very real way) Hope this hasn't upset or dragged you down. Well done again Crystal X Hiya thankyouu! and, i really like that idea, thankyou! never thought about doing that, actually, and it does sound like it might work, so i'll try it!! xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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