Functioning Depressive - Working On The Outside, Broken In The Inside

[lucegal]

I am new to searching the internet for personality disorder forums and google searches "how to deal with depression", and I'm new to exploring my own problems.

I guess it took a life changing royal screw up on my behalf to acknowledge my path of self destruction, well that and a leisurely spell in one of our fine NHS Mental Hospitals, Now I am in sessions with a Clinical Psychologist, which is again all relative to me. I feel uncomfortable and perhaps unsure of the nature of this therapy, I am a bit anal I probably expect class tutorials, a breakdown of what each session is to entail, and instead I am expected to say what I want out of this session, this treatment. I find it all very unnerving and as such I probably dismiss the value of it.

So where to start in my story,sorry, my life. I suppose I use the words "my story" because I don't feel that I have a life, lived a life or even want to go on living this life, because I am the one who caused this major path of self destruction, and in its quake are the lives of family, ex-employers, ex-workers,ex-friends, ex-boyfriend, generally all those who have come in contact with me, because the only thing that I'm successful at, is lying to everyone, cheating, stealing, avoiding, distancing everyone therefore destroying all relationships around me, so much so that I'm entirely on my own. I seem unable to stop that. I am aware of what I'm doing, I'll beat myself up about it but I won't stop it.

On a day to day basis, or rather night to night basis, I have to challenge the thoughts of not killing myself, I have a plan, like all successful suiciders, I have a plan, so to try and keep to the timeline I have to stall the negative thoughts to do it now, with the "I have a plan, a timeline, this and this has to happen first etc and then" compromise. So I find daily routine, family surroundings etc all hard to bear, I guess I think detached from everything and I suppose I have the feeling, that there's only a certain time left and I can go. I won't do anything until to receive punishment (currently awaiting court hearing), carry out punishment and then put my plan into action. I am clear on that. I won't have my family say I'm a coward for taking my life, I've heard that enough before, how dare I do that to them, after all they are doing for me etc. and the strangest thing is I do a lot for them, I am the first to help, first to offer to help etc. That would be another problem of mine I can help others but not myself.I guess I don't want to help myself, I don't believe that I am deserving of any help.

I think the worst thing is that I understand the Psychologists thought process, the behaviours, the rational and irrational things etc. I understand that I need to confront the past, acknowledge and deal with the life that happened to me and work on my behaviours, emotions, actions, reactions for the future. My psychologist again tells me, that I know what I have to do and understand the "psychology" but my negative thought and my inbuilt dismissive programming makes it extremely difficult to overcome. I don't believe in talking about the things that happened in family life, bad things happen but not everyone reacts in the ways that I did, therefore to me it more about the person that I am, the faults are fundamentally mine, that is inbuilt in me, therefore I must take the consequences for any wrong doing.

I guess I should have said I am a 32 year old female, who has inherited wrecked her life from youth.

[Maddison]

What is the court hearing? Are you saying once you pass that time you'll plan to die?

Hunni I've read your post twice, you want to say you're intelligent I see that, but more you are in pain. This is a cool place hunni you'll find a lot of help here.

[carlylight1]

hi lucegal, and welcome. changing our inbuilt programming is imo probably one of the hardest things anyone can do. its not something that can be done lightly or quickly it may even take a whole life time if it happens at all.

there are some stark consequences to not doing-carrying on with how things are or even risk them getting a lot worse. but even that can't always convince me that change is the right thing to do. and making the decision to change is of course just the beginning whilst actually going about 'how' to change can seem even more impossible.

i hope things get better and that being on the forum helps you. xx

[Christine001]

Hi lucegal,

so much of what you said I have done and have felt similar,I even call myself a functioning depressive. So where to start, its good that you are here and have found the site as perhaps just realising other people feel the same is a start. hope to see you about x

[lucegal]

Hi there,

Thank you for your words. My court hearing is from work which I took money, inventing a completed differently life for myself etc. I think I pushed myself to the limit to self destruct, I ruined my life, family, ex-boyfriend (left me because of this, and yes, he has every right to do so), employer, ex-work colleagues, friends etc, and I would think that wiping myself out is the best think that I can do for all concerned. That is the punishment must befitting to me. I constantly think of this, I think of every mistake I have made from youth, I get out relief from this. I use all mental thoughts as a stick to which I beat myself with.

I have had this plan now for six months, and that is my clear future, I feel every calm and focused on that. Once I get through my court punishment, I will action my plan, that way no one can say that I took my life because I tried to avoid court punishment. That will be the irony, I feel that no punishment given to me will be enough.

I don't consider myself intelligent, I would say I have an awareness of how I can help myself, probably an assertiveness of mental health problems, but I will not allow myself to be helped and I will instantly dismiss any positive attributes others would say I possess. When my sisters say I have done so much from them, from raising them from 16,getting rid of our tyrant father to being left with a mother who is emotionally retarded,and with new found freedom proceeded to sod off every weekend,I dismiss this, they are facts, in fact, facts of history. Bad things happen, I have no reason to look for empathy with this, the rest of family are not a mess and have done nothing like I have done.

Anyhow I am rambling, apologies. Again thank you to all who took the time to read my words.

Kind regards

Lucy

[Christine001]

Hi Lucy,

We should never diagnose ourself and I have never suggested this to anyone on here before but have you ever considered there is more to this than depression,

this forum has many people on here who have borderline personaility disorder. me for one diagnosed 2 years ago and I am in my 40s. what I am learning is a lot about myself, its not easy going and I do have a plan still for when my kids are older but it helps having the right mental health support.

I know you feel worthless but maybe if you could take a look at other dxs and explore it with your doctor it might get you some real understanding and help. for years I just had antidepressant tablets and they didnt help really.

[Maddison]

Hunni you are intelligent. What you did wasn't great but no reason to die. We all make mistakes do things that are wrong, you haven't done any thing terrible. You lied and took money, I consider hitting a child worse and plenty of people spank their kids for punishment, they don't deserve to die.

[lucegal]

HI, my reasoning for dying is not just the things I have done right now,it's because I need peace from my head. I can't let anything that I do wrong go, whether it's a row with someone, or something that I did wrong or said wrong from even ten, fifteen year ago. These things will continue to play on loop in my head. I agree that smacking a child is wrong, very wrong, but then I also agree that shouting at a child is just as wrong. I guess that I need to understand why I will always look to destroy myself, I can't actually tell you who I am, because I don't know, and I guess I feel that I don't have the right to help myself to find out.

I guess that I am waiting for my CP to diagnose my condition, although I assume I have self diagnosed myself for a while now. And even as I write this, I think what is the point as I do not see future, I don't want one, I just want relief. To others that may not be the right path, as they see it, but for me, it is the one I crave the most. The thought of not having to wake to another day, is like euphoria to me,but I have to go through the current problems first, and then I will get my relief.

I feel a prisoned life, in my room, not speaking to any family, just keeping myself isolating, and sometimes I wish one of them would actually ask, how I am, or what's happening but again my vicious circle of self destruction, will keep everyone away, and I think everyone has had enough. I had a row weeks ago with my sister, and I got the " I gave up 6 weeks of my life to deal with your issues, when I could have spend it with my family", so since that, I deal with all courts issues, solicitors, doctors etc myself. I never expect anyone to do anything for me, and I don't want them to, if I'm to get that thrown back as a punishment for the rest of my days.

Anyhow, I hope that others on this forum get the comfort that are seeking.

Kind Regards

Lucy

[yvette]

All your thoughts feeling and actions are to do with your illness not you!! There are studies that show differences in peoples brains with bpd etc. So stop blaming yourself for what you cannot control. Don't give up keep talking and get the help you need. I'm not saying you have bpd but look it up. You've had a very difficult life and you are not bomb proof. Time and therapy will really help. And gradually you will get back the life you lost. Xxx

[Christine001]

Hi lucy.

I made a reply last night but some technical stuff has lost it. It basically said I dont know if you have met people who feel the same as you, for me sometimes are better than other but I totally get what you are saying because I felt that way 2,years ago, every minute of every day. After a lot of hard work in therapy I dont feel is as much. As for stuff going around in a loop boy I understand this.

Its your choice of course but seeking more help and maybe a diagnosis would help. BTW my dxs are recurrent depressive disorder and bpd, coz ofcourse there can be more than one.

x Hope your coming here and seeing that your feelings and, thoughts and behaviours are infact shared by other people is a start in seeing that though we are all individuals, some things that most people just cant get their head round are understood here, xx rambling a bit will stop for now x

[lucegal]

Hi Christine,

How are you today. I hope the weather where you are is a little better than mine!!

thank you for your words. I understand that therapy is going to be hard work. It is just very hard to stop negative thoughts and suicide thoughts all the time. I am with a Clinical Psychologist who is assessing me for six weeks, before I get my congratulations you're the proud owner of.......

I would think I have BPD with chronic depressive episodes but we'll see what he says. I have looked about this site and see how much others suffer. I can feel such sorrow and anguish for them, but not for myself, because I know what actions and reactions I should have made but I didn't, and that is my fault and does make me a bad person. I have hurt a lot of people and still do hurt them. I live a prisoned life at home and in my head and so going will be great relief.

I had to go to my nephews birthday today, I would have been damned for not going and damned for going, can't win there. I have a mother that won't speak a word to me, only when it suits herself and the rest of my family don't engage. I don't engage with them either. Since I had the row with one sister, the rest have followed suit and the cold shoulder is extended throughout. With just confirms that thoughts, that I was good enough for babysitting or helping out or doing anything else for them, but the moment I argue and stand up for myself then I am to have my sins thrown back at me and shut out. Prison would be better that this.

[Christine001]

Hi Lucy,

I support others here and feel they deserve it but I have a hard time seeing myself as deserving myself. Truely how ever many people tell me over and over again, 1 year of T is a step in my heart I am empty and bad and dont deserve this life.

I really want you to see that I understand how its possible to have loads or compassion for others and none for yourself,

I have always been the problem child, the one that causes problems, etc etc. I have never crossed the line into crime/fraud etc. but I am not convinced that in our black and white world your going to prison is as certain as you say.

could go on about me but wont. Just really you are not alone xxxx

[Maddison]

Hunni I feel just as you a bout my family (in the States). They ignored me but I was always good for baby sitting, money or time. Then I have my own life and opinion and it is all my fault they are uncomfortable a round me because of being borderline. It was insulting and unfair. I feel excluded my mom doesn't answer my emails any more!

Get a way from them hunni, you can do that, they say you can't (to me) but I did.

[Maddison]

I forgot, I could message you a list of bad things I've done we've all sinned.

[lucegal]

HI Maddison,

thank you for your words. I don't need to know the things you feel are bad about you, I wouldn't judge or believe a bad thing about you. I think the worse thing sometimes, is being aware of the things I need to change but I can't stop myself from sticking to the same routine of hell. So that's something else to beat myself with. I am aware that I will actively look for things to beat myself up about as opposed to actioning positive things. I guess I think that if I go out and do positive things for myself, everyone will think, she has no right to enjoy herself, after everything she has done. And I know I should not assume to know what others are thinking, but I find it hard not to.

With regard to my family, they are who they are and have the right to feel the way they do towards me, I have hurt them time and time again. It's not important if they give a stuff, its their right to feel as they do and it's my problems and my life to deal with.

Sometimes I think that getting away from it all is the best solution to everything, but isn't that just avoidance. Other times, I feel that I should be made to listen to all of them vent their angry. But I know that that isn't the end of it, it will be just thrown back at me when we have a row again.

I guess I'm waking up again with suicide thoughts and I feel it so hard to not do something about it. But today is my brother's, nephew's and aunt's birthday so I will have to stick the day out. I know I have a social/emotional conscience for them so I don't end things now, but that's just for them, not for me, because living for me is torture, every second of it.

And I know they all expect me to just change my behaviour immediately, to stop secret over eating, secret not eating, binge spending, lying, sell all my stuff etc, and if I don't do meet expectations then I'm just a bitch. How dare I treat them like that, screw her. In one hand, when things were bad and it had to go into hospital, it was fine for everyone to say I had mental health problems, and again this is something for me and the professionals to work out, I don't see anyone researching my mental health problems, taking my actions/reactions into account from a mental health point of view.

No one asks me about my therapy sessions, and again I suppose they expect me to be the one to be more communicative, but thirty years of being this way is not going to change over night. I don't think one of them has looked at the actually behaviour problems, the reasons why and that sometimes I can't help things. That is not me looking for sympathy for them, I just want them to know, that unless you are locked into a disorder, you have no way of understanding the pain and torture of it. And perhaps they could knock off on the "if I were you, I would...." because if they were me, they would have mental health problems and couldn't logically think the same.

[Maddison]

I wasn't going to send my sin list hunni so don't worry I was expressing that we have all done things and can list, if we are being honest, that are deceitful, angry, lazy, nasty............

I think you're family should get over them selves, do they think you secret eat or not eat and it is all a bout them and how they feel? Do they think your existence is just a side line to their own lives?

You don't owe them any thing hunni, you owe your self a chance to be free of their opinions.

[Maddison]

I forgot to write. Getting a way for me was like moving out of an area where there was toxic air and I need clean oxygen to breathe, it wasn't avoidance, I couldn't clean the air, it was survival.

[lucegal]

And how are you feeling now Maddison?

[Maddison]

Now I got away?

[lucegal]

Without having family, I guess I feel that I can't stand the environment but will be cast an ungraceful bitch if I up and leave.

I think my issue is that I didn't get what I need from them, I accept that this is partly my fault, and again I am only dealing with my mental health issues now, but there are no support network here, and I agree that the environment is toxic.

Just there now the only conversation my mother has bothered to have with me today is, "Did you throw out the wedding invitation", I said "I did not throw it out, why would out", there was no "Did you see whether I put the wedding invitation" no straight in with the negative crap, said again I didn't throw it out, got "maybe you didn't mean to", I said "No, you had it last", got the look still written over her face, that I have thrown it out, so then I have to start looking for it, and I know I have to find it because I will be sentenced for it anyway. So I find it and say "I found it with your cruise pictures", but no apology, nothing. And that's the way it is, straight in with the negative attitude towards me. A couple of days ago, it was the Lidl magazine, did I throw it out, I mean, one it wasn't me, it was my brother in law, who said nothing, but let me still take the rap and it's a lidl magazine, oh goes nuts over the lidl magazine!!! It was to vent at me really, the magazine was a mask for it. And still she has judge, jury and executed me for throwing the bloody magazine out.

I do feel that I have to get away from here or I will put my plan into action earlier because I can't stick it. I have sat for an hour, with my three sisters and two brother in laws, complete hell, but I knew I would be the talk if I didn't come out of my room. I have all the nieces and nephew stretched across my bed, they always come running for my room, and I don't mind it's just that they come with parents, and I have to sit with them, just would rather be left alone.

[Maddison]

I feel better with out them. I can breathe clean air and I don't have hateful crap thrown at me 24/7.

Sometimes I feel it, the loss, when my kids do some thing that I'm proud of, I can't show them how good I did, how good my kids do.

It stopped being about blame they were unbearable it doesn't matter if any one is to blame I didn't want it any more. If I'd have stayed I would stay stuck being a nasty, greedy , lazy, selfish little girl, that is what they said I was.

Now I am a woman with my own family and a whole new set of names, the new names make me feel good about my self.

[lucegal]

That's good to hear. Take care Maddison x

[jenny1471]

Hi

I need to say that I haven't read all the responses, etc. but i wanted to reply to say that you sound like a lovely person to me. I am 33 year old female who has also withdrawn from the world, struggling to see a future and I've done some very bad things including horrendous lies which got me in a lot of trouble. I'm not officially diagnosed as BPD but believe I fit the criteria and my CPN did agree.

It's hard to know how to get 'better'.. what will help and what needs to be done. It's hard when people don't understand. It's hard when we feel we don't fit in or belong in the world. It's all hard, it really is. I guess that's where this forum has been a help to me.. to know I'm not alone with it all and I do hope it's of some help and hope to you too.

Are you able to confide in your psychologist at all about what happened in your past, and how things are for you now? The court case sounds difficult.. and i really hear that you feel you deserve punishment for what you did. In a way I can relate, as I lied in horrific ways, and I sometimes wonder how or when I'll finally be able to forgive myself. I think others are able to forgive me, but not me. I don't know if it's the same for you and I think you said your family aren't forgiving of you, which must be difficult..

Sorry this is not a helpful reply. I'm just thinking out loud really! But I wanted to reply and let you know that you are so not alone. I truly hope that things improve for you.. and that you will find a way, and some support, to continue living after the hearing. As Maddison says, we have all messed up in life in some way or another.. in a way I really hope that once you have been 'punished' as deemed by the court, you can move on with your life.

xx

[lucegal]

Hi Jenny,

Thank you for your words, you made me cry there, but in a good way, sometimes a crying session can release a little bit of unhappiness, so I don't mind. I have just started to talk about the past with my clinical psychologist, but I'm not a great talker, told me that I'll have a major problem if I can't stop dismissing help, positive thoughts/actions and that therapy will be useless if I don't. I guess that's why I looked for this forum, to try to speak to others who feel like me so perhaps I can open up more in my sessions.

And I think I'm really afraid that, this is it, I'm always going to be this way, that I'll always be a mess, a screw up, the one in the family that everyone is looking at waiting for the next disaster, and you see the look across their faces, I'm sure that you see that in your family. I don't think I can live with that pressure. My family won't forgive me unless I prove to them that I change everything about me, they have no role in this, it's just the psychologist and me. If they were my family they shouldn't expect me to prove anything, moreover they should research personality disorders and relate that to me, but I'm being judged by my family as an outsider would, the only problem is the outsiders go away and family stay behind. It was fine for them to say at the time, oh she did this because she's not well, but after hospital, life was the same, then I after one row, I'm written off again and how they helped me was thrown back at me, how am I ever to voice anything again if I know that they have their trump card to throw at me. It's not healthy, I was told that they are only giving me one chance. The problem is losing my nieces and nephews, that would hurt, hurt a lot.I love each and every one of them, all unique in character, all very lovable.

You're right, forgiving yourself is hard, very hard, something I don't know if will ever be able to do also. Starting over at 32, with no boyfriend now, no family and criminal convictions on top of my newly prescribed personality disorder is a hurdle. I had a boyfriend for six years, he didn't know what I had done until it all exploded, so I had lied to him, and rightly so he chose to walk away, I have no problem with that, I ruined his life as well.

I know if I was talking to someone in this position, I would offer support, warm and no judgement, but the negative side of me doesn't allow me to help myself. My relief comes in my plan, I get comfort in knowing that soon I won't have to stick another day, to live in my head any more.

[jenny1471]

Hi

Sorry I made you cry! But yes, it is so difficult huh. It's hard to kind of go from one crisis to another.. or at least for things never fully to improve. I sometimes am able to go months without a crisis or am able to fool myself in thinking that I'm ok or can cope, but then something throws me and off I go again!

What I find.. strange.. is how your family are seemingly putting things on to you, in giving the impression that it's down to you to get better.. they throw things back in your face, etc. But actually I personally believe (and this may not be the case I don't know) that personality disorders can be caused by not learning healthy coping mechanisms as children. For example I was never truly nurtured.. I believe my parents loved me but i was never shown love, hugged, etc. There was a lot more to it, i'm obviously simplifying things, but now I find it hard to accept or love myself. I don't know how to cope with life's crises.. I feel 'messed up' etc.

While I don't want to sit here like a spoilt brat and blame it all on my parents, there is an element of truth that they have played their part. I do think i need to take responsibility for who I am today, but there is also a part that wishes my parents could see and understand their role. I wonder whether there are any books or online links you could show your family about BPD, to maybe help them see the bigger picture? Or have you ever been able to talk to them about your feelings? If not, is this something you may feel able to do at some point?

I'm glad that you're starting to talk to your psychologist. It can be really hard to open up, so well done for doing so (not meant in a condescending way). I can so totally relate to what you say about feeling messed up and feeling like things will never get better. The idea of getting relief from your own head. Just last week, through a variety of things happening and being said to me, i actually started to wonder whether I truly am messed up. I've always always called myself 'messed up'. But actually, who isn't messed up!? Sure, some have more issues than others.. but really! I go to a 'self development group' and in this group every single person has issues. They come across as functioning people.. but when they open up it's clear they are not so 'together'. Maybe the difference is that you are aware that you're not feeling 'right'? Yes you have done things in your past that you're not proud of, but most people have too..

I'm not trying to undermine your feelings or experiences. I guess it was more of a flashbulb moment for me when I realised that maybe I'm not as messed up as I think. Or maybe everyone is just as messed up as I am, except they don't talk about it and they maybe cope in different ways. The more I think about it, I'm not aware of one family or one person who doesn't have issues?

Not really sure where I'm going with this very long, waffly reply. I guess I'm trying to say that even though things may feel hopeless, they needn't be hopeless. Yes you're 32 with potentially no family, job, partner, etc. but 32 is still young. It's not too late to start over. Sure it will be difficult. Life seems to be difficult and unfair at times. But maybe with the help of your psychologist you can work on what's brought you to this emotional place.. maybe you can start building more healthy coping mechanisms and support systems around you so that you needn't feel so alone and worthy of punishment. I personally am sorry that your partner decided to walk when he found out what you had done... it must have been difficult for you both and even though you don't blame him for walking, it must still have evoked feelings of loss for you (that's my own feelings, not anything you've said so sorry if that's wrong).

I really get a sense that you've been through so much.. and you still are going through so much. I'm so sorry for that, and I'm sorry that you're so alone with it all. However I am glad that you've found this forum and hope it can help even just a little to know that you're not alone.

xx