Functioning Depressive - Working On The Outside, Broken In The Inside

[Maddison]

If my kids had my problems I would "own" my part. If I had allowed the same things to happen to my kids I would, (which I wouldn't) be begging for their forgiveness. You are still young hunni you've so much a head of you.

[lucegal]

Thank you Maddison,

I hope you are a in a positive place today.

If I could get a little rest my head, then I sometimes think that I could rationalise things. Today is no different to any other day, I wake to my head already thinking, I guess I finally fell asleep but my mind must not have stopped. The thought of getting up, going out to the rest of them, opening the curtains is giving me actually pain. I know I made all the wrong choices, I did all the wrong things, and I accept all that is my fault, and I must take the punishment from family, society, friends, court etc, I suppose the negative side of me is happy to have more things to beat myself up about. I intentionally do self damaging things, I don't think I recognised that I was doing that to myself over the years.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. My niece's birthday is in a week and I have to hang on until then, because I can't see me lasting much longer. My environment is crushing, but I because of everything I have done, I will go to prison, this is my first offence, way to go, in making it so huge, but there you go. I am calm about prison because it feeds into my negative side.

So I can't leave this house because I can't go anywhere until after court, so I get look to live else. So I have to stay here, taking the emotional battering from home and myself. I would say that my family think, she's unreal, she should be repenting all day every day, but strange how this feeling wasn't pushed so hard at me, when I was helping out with everything. Sorry that is the resentful side to me, which is probably what my family feel towards me.

My mother will never acknowledge that she has done anything wrong, when I was a teenager, I remember telling her it was her fault, her fault that we have this life, this father, those were her choices and it was her fault, I got a slap across the face for that. Her words when I went into hospital where, I never did anything to you, I was never bad to you, I put a roof over your head, imagine that is a basic requirement for any parent,there is no mention of love or anything like that. I guess I have a lot of anger towards her, but I think mostly frustration because she will never be aware of the way she treats people,me. So I will have to accept that she is that type of person but I can't have that in my life.

[Maddison]

Hunni your mom is wrong. You aren't a bad person hunni you did some thing wrong? Does that 1 incident define you for ever? Can we change? Can we move on? Can we start over?

You sound so deeply depressed can you see any one about your mental health?

[lucegal]

HI Maddison

The problem is my behaviour has always been wrong, it's only because this time I did something so public, that she has to take note.

Change? I don't know, unless we truly know ourselves, I guess change looks unlikely. I think I need to get myself out of this environment soon,or I won't make it. But I'm in a difficult position until court. Who ever said, life was for living?

I see my psychologist again on Tuesday, so I have that. I just do not want to go to hospital again, there is no way I will go there again. Ironically I live about a five minute walk for it, so it's too close for my family, I would have to see them.

I haven't left the house since Tuesday, my last therapy session.

[Maddison]

How has your behaviour always been wrong?

[lucegal]

I have episodes of messing up, every couple of years I will do stuff, I seem to blow up. I can't seem to make the right choices, say the right thing, I suppose I am afraid to say the truth, because that may not be good enough for others.

So in fairness, my family have always had to cope with my disasters, and I'm sure there is a cut off point.

[yvette]

I think its the cycle that bpd sufferers get in. Therapy will help this and time. You're family will come round when you get better. Unfortunately they're ignorant of mental illness. And when they realise its the illness not you that causes it. Things will be fine. But if they don't its not your fault. Remember that and get away from all negatives in your life. Is there any drop in centres in your area for people with mental health problems?

[Maddison]

Hunni I don't wish to pry but I think in sharing what you've done here you might get a better perspective. I think you'd be surprised a bout how some one else has probably done the same or similar.

[lucegal]

HI Maddison

Thank you for that, it's just the negative side of me, won't allow me to accept any words of comfort. I hope you're in good form today.

I don't feel that writing anything today, because it's just the same feeling over and over again.

As Fraiser Crane would say, goodbye and good mental health. lol

[Maddison]

Hunni don't give up your dreams, don't give up on your self.

[lucegal]

Bad Day;

Had session with CP today, not great, wants me to look at possibly spending time in hospital or going to self help house for a while. There is no way I'm going to my hospital, it's too close and I have no control over visitations. Booked in with my doctor tomorrow, worried that I won't get home after that.

Yesterday, my sister's partner called her at lunchtime, said he handed in his notice to the bank and is moving back to liverpool on Wednesday, marriage over. (They have a kid, beautiful little girl). They had just put a bid on a house here (Northern Ireland) that morning. Came as a massive shock to her feel awful for both parties, she wasn't aware of his despair and he didn't communicate it. I feel he's depressed and needs help. Rest of the family were like, fuck him, useless let him go, but we I said that I could see this come, that I thought he was fighting with himself everyday to staff and now he has finally cracked but I got shot down for that, no empathy for him or any recognition that he is feeling crap. Must be awful to move your life to another country and have to find a new job, new house etc, he lost his support network. I do feel for him. I feel for Jules also, I imagine that this is like smashing into a brick wall, and she has to carry on because of the little one. The background is that we are all staying at our mums, so the house is stressful at the moment. I don't want to alienate him and I don't want Jules upset.

So my family have enough to cope with, if I go into care, I will be to blame for that, doing this to them at a time when they have enough to cope with. I am so tired, I can't sleep, seeing 2,3,4am every night is getting me, I know I got less that two hours sleep this morning. CP recommended sedatives, but I'm not a great believer in meds. But I know that at the moment, this is some thing I might have to consider.

I also accepted for a foundation degree course in medical science but I can't take this as I don't have a future at the moment (court etc).

Plus I need to help out with the little one. Currently jumping on my bed as I try to type!!

[Maddison]

Hunni take the sedatives then you can help your family, that will be good for them and good for you. You can be right.

[lucegal]

Had to go to the doctors today, like I said I would to my CP.

She was willing to give me a sleeping tablet in the interim, but wouldn't change my meds until she called my Psychatrist.

Called me back at 4pm, to tell me I have to attend the psychiatrist on Friday, to assess me for hospital stay or other meds.

I take it they expect me to go to hospital, but that's not something that I will do. My family have enough to deal with right now.

Haven't told anyone this yet, because they are no one to tell.

[Maddison]

I hope they change your meds so you feel better and you don't need to use the hospital.

[lucegal]

CP called me again today, ahead of meeting tomorrow. Advised me of my rights as a MH User. Comforting!!!

So my sister's husband left for liverpool yesterday, don't know how is managing to cope, her daughter's birthday is on Sunday so he is flying back here for that. So awful for her. I forced myself up in the morning to be there when the little one is going into school. Don't know how Jules does it.

Have woken up from a few hours sleep, couldn't last any longer, it is really annoying not sleeping at night and then being too wrecked during the day.

Does anyone ever feel just bottomed out, completely like empty, not empty pain but empty nothing, nothing at all. Don't know how to describe feelings today. I suppose it's a bit like last week, when out on the run to jog (I live in the back if beyond, so all country roads) I just hoped that the lorries coming towards me wouldn't see me on the road and hit me. I didn't care. I know that's selfish, I wouldn't jump out in front of vehicle, I wouldn't do that to the driver, but if it happened I wouldn't mind.

[Maddison]

Years ago I would feel that way about trains I hoped some one would push me on to the track. You sound very depressed hunni.

[yvette]

I'm the same I wouldn't do anything. But if the choice was took away and not my choice I sometimes think I wouldn't mind. Xxx