Not Coping Well

[cozzie]

hi there

im in pieces about everything at the moment, Im not sure if this is just grief or and bpd or my meds withdrawal.

My anxiety is sky high, i get to such a state where i am convincing myself i will die or someone is going to die or get very hurt. If i have back pain then i think its my asthma getting worse so i shud def stop smoking, but what if its too late and i have cancer, or something else horrendous, i always am scared i will just stop breathing. Im scared because one of my blood tests was a little different and i have to have it retested in a month and what might happen in that month. My cat had a bladder infection but i couldnt afford for both of them to go to the vets, but i was panicking she would die and i desperatly trying to find the money as well as worrying and non stop checking her.

I worry about my loved ones, its bad weather and im worrying about their safety. Im constantly trying to figure out the bills, trying to make sure we have enough to eat, worrying how i look, worrying about literally everything. It doesnt stop.

Ive been feeling my mood go down, and at first i tried to ignore it with starving myself, anorexia has always been my comfort blanket but when my fiance really challeneged m e on we both got into a huge argument in town and i dont think ive ever felt that anger, i just wanted him to let me destroy myself. At the same time, with my anxiety, deep down i dont want that. I want to do things like volunteer etc, but at the same time i dont want to do any of it. I think maybe it will help with my anxiety and get the energy away, and stuff to think about, then at the same time its like a million miles from what i want, but i dont know what i want, i just feel so down and cry. I know im grieving, but its shattering me, sometimes i wish i could use old destructive coping mechanisms but i cant cos of my fiance, i dont want to hurt him, but i dont care enough about myself. I seriously dont know what to do anymore. how does someone with bpd cope with grief? i wish i was being given support but im choosing to try n find that myself because the doctors and mental health team said i cant have that for a good 6months to a year, surely everyone is different? i feel as if im heading down very very quick and if i dont have some support i dont know what will happen.

Not my own doctor took me off of my anti-manic med due to his thinking it would stop my restless legs. It has stopped them, but ive also had lorazepam, which i really dont want to rely on cos they only give u a few. Thing is it was only meant to be stopped for a week, wen i went back he didnt seem to care to put me back on it, just said "its all whats to be expected with grief", he really didnt listen to me. Infact it was after that apt that me and my partner had that fall out and last night i had a panic attack because i was so anxious. He wasnt listening. My partner tried to fone to speak to my own doctor as he thinks being off the anti-manic medication is making me so anxious. Also my own gp sed that if my mood got to low i would be put on a different anti-dep as i was taken off of lithium. Both me and my partner are not sure whether this is both because of my mood disorder (not directly bipolar diagnosed) and or the grief, but its going quickly.

I just dont know what to do and who to talk to. My fiance lost his mum 2 years ago, 2weeks after we got together, i know i can always talk to him, but i sometimes find it hard with it being so close and personal.