Betsy Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 many of you have heard my concerns about my meds... not wanting to be on them... stopping them against dr advice... seeing my t and thinking he would quit seeing me if i wasnt taking them. well.............. i told him. he asked if i was safe.. i said i was..and i am.. so he said okay and we moved on... i never would have guessed this would happen... i guess i dont know crap about anything... so much for perceptive. the we continued on to a really intense therapy. i dont think ican do that anymore i was okay when i went in and now i am the pits.. what the *h happened.. i dont know. i dont remember.. i just know it was about my dad i thik anyway. and he told me something else about him to think ablut when we eet next week. i cant do that.. i cant let him out of that room.. i need him put away.. i cant do this... how can i be so upand now so down.. how do the dead hame that much powerl... how can this hurt so much... just whne i thot it owoould be better....... i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 Therapy sucks.....lots of things suck....I'll stop now, before my bitter attitude spreads. Hang in there. You are in my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twilight Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 (((((((BETS)))))))) Oh hun, I know what u mean. If on the off chance I am having a good day, I go to therapy and come out feeling like utter shit. I do wonder what the point is, but its supposed to have long term effects even though its hard in the short term. Its got to work for some people I guess for it to be used so much. I dunno what to say really, I just want to say I'm thinking of u and I agree...why can't they have some way of bringing you back up before u leave...its like u go there for support and then they make u feel 10x worse. I guess lifes not that easy...everything seems to have to test us to our limit. Go eat ice cream and chocolate! Hugs, Twi :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 I started crying when I came out of therapy today, even though it went pretty "good". Good meaning okay. It turns your day upside down a lot, like Verbena said. I sure hope it is worth it, sheesh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
befuddled Posted August 3, 2004 Report Share Posted August 3, 2004 Facing your demons is very hard. I know that them being dead and gone still doesn't wipe the slate clean. By a long shot. But from my own experience - facing my brother did help although I thought I would have a heart attack. My heart was beating in my throat, I wanted to run and scream and it was very very bad. All the time I had that lump in my stomach, queasy, evil forboding - it was awful. I didn't know if I wanted to kill him or myself. It is a miracle I didn't completely lose it then. But it was the single best thing that ever happened once I dealt with it. Bets, if your t thinks you've got to face your dad he is likely right. Things do come into perspective that way. It won't be easy, but I think you should not only cooperate but help. What your dad did to make you feel like this is bad and you hate him for it. HIM!!!! Not you! Not me! Not Mrs. Beasley either. You know exactly who he is and you are right to hate him and if he isn't going to be dead and gone like all other mortals you're just going to have to bury the SOB again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 thats just it... he is dead.. but lives on. how can u blast dust and ashes... how can u yell at shadows and masks, he has the ultimate revenge... i cant touch him... it wasnt just that we talked about... i cant remember for sure what it was... but i know it was something i never told anyone before... and now i dont know what it was.. how can i veiw myself as sane at all when things like this happen.. how can i go on? i told him something i shouldnt have... something is loose inside me and i dont know where it will show up... but it will... it will be one of the shadows i cant name, cant fight, cant resisit... it will come and chooke me... i will pay for this someway... already feeling my saintiy ebbing away.. my humanity going,,, this shell is coming... i guess to protect...but maybe not. i felt so good... i didnt even get hysterical or walk out... i just dont know what happened.. its not fair...not fair.. not fair... he knows and i dont... icant protect myslef now... bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 i'm sorry i am not supporting all of you that have posted to me, to support me. but thank god each one of you is there because i am so frighened, the not knowing is the worst. bet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dove Posted August 4, 2004 Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 Bets, I don't know what to say but I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you in any way I can be. If you need a shoulder, you know where to find me. I love you, you wild flower child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
befuddled Posted August 4, 2004 Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 but i know it was something i never told anyone before... and now i dont know what it was Bets, I think this may be good. It will come back to the surface if you let it. Bets from talking to you our coping mechanisms are so much the same - what you are saying reminds me so much of what happened when I suddenly ended up remembering all - well - it wasn't suddenly, it popped up and I suppressed it and it was nagging at me.... It looks like its nagging at you.... Be strong now Bets, this may be a good breakthrough, be strong! something is loose inside me and i dont know where it will show up. I know that feeling, Bets. I've been there. If and when it want to show, let it out, it won't hurt your mask, nothing can do that now. It's part of you. I am stongly in support of your going back to your t to finish this process. I know you feel like shit, but I can't help feel excited for you! I just hope I'm right and you're about to find the nail that shuts that coffin for good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 fuddy, yes i have thought that you and i are quite a bit alike. not sure tht is good or bad! i made an extra appt with my t tomorrow and i am going to tell him about my black out... he will probably say it is important since i cant remember. all i can remember is the first part talking about meds.. then talking about my son... next thing i know i was at home with the phone ringing off the wall and i had been napping and feeling exhausted. its scarry but i need to know... the longer time passes the less i remember. i think u r right... just not sure i want to do it. thx for responding, bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted August 4, 2004 Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 Bets, I think that- you do care you do care you do care or- you wouldn't be here wouldn't be here wouldn't be here but I'm- really glad you are here really glad you are here really glad you are here Is this- as annoying as I think it is think it is think it is? Love You Bets!! :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
befuddled Posted August 4, 2004 Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 Lololololololol Verbena. Good about your appointment, Bets. I'll be eager to hear all about it. As far as our being alike - there are others like us too. I think it's a good thing. We can understand each other well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 hehe hehe hehe... not annoying.... damn funny.... my only laugh for the day. thank you soooo much ((((((((((((((((((((( verbena and my fuddy )))))))))))))))))))) thanks all you guys bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
befuddled Posted August 4, 2004 Report Share Posted August 4, 2004 Here's a memory jogger bets: i just know it was about my dad i thik anyway. and he told me something else about him to think ablut when we eet next week So tomorrow you'll be better prepared............. I'm rooting for ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twilight Posted August 5, 2004 Report Share Posted August 5, 2004 Hi Bets, I just wanted to say that I hope the appt with the t went ok and he was able to clear things up for u. I agree with what others have said, although u feel shit at the mo, u have taken a huge step and u show that u are a strong person. Thinking of u, hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
befuddled Posted August 5, 2004 Report Share Posted August 5, 2004 Hi Twi, You are much like Bets and me too. Bets, how was it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 5, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2004 hasnt happened yet. see the other post in the other forum. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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