berenger Posted October 7, 2012 Report Share Posted October 7, 2012 Sorry to be so depressing but i often get suicidal thoughts and think about doing it. I have made made a number of attempts at suicide, mostly by overdose but i am still here. I wish these thoughts of suicide would go away. I distinguish between having suicidal thoughts, which can happen almost daily for me, and more serious days, where i will feel more depressed and will often slef harm, drink or use meds to escape suicidal feelings. Only rarely now will i attempt suicide, the last time was about a month ago. I used to od fairly regularly unfortunately. A big part of me must want to live i guess, or else i would just jump off a building or crash the car into a wall, a method you won't survive. I do have aspects of my life i enjoy. I find it hard though to fight the thoughts. One fear about suicide i have is about the afterlife, whether it be heaven, hell or even reincarnation. Surely though a compassionate god would be understanding ?. I'm not sure there is a afterlife tbh, i;m agnostic. i think fear of pain in my attempt at suicide is another thing. I see a drugs overdose as being pain free and i am regularly tempted to try and order some pills over the net. Another thing i fear is brain damage if i fail my attempt, or being paralysed. I don't know if i believe my life will improve and it probably sounds awful but people saying you'll hurt your family don't affect me much. i do love the family and friends i have but i don't think i'm that good a person and i don't think i'd be missed much. I'm not sure what keeps me going. I must believe in some way things will improve - i don't know. I often use the internet to research methods. Sorry to be so down. i was just wondering what other people think and how i can get rid of these thoughts or think more positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted October 7, 2012 Report Share Posted October 7, 2012 the thing that keeps me on this earth is the fact that i have some really nice friends and some good family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooky Ducky Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Hi berenger I wonder why I am still here too. I dont want to be and like you have suicidal thoughts. They are running through my head all the time and have attempted suicide a number of times but as you can see I am also still here. I dont know why I dont just go and commit suicide and am trying to work it out at the moment. So I have actually asked people questions: My CPN says it is not illegal - so that is not it My vicar says it is not up to me when I die it is up to God - so that says to me he could be stopping me but one day I might succeed because it is my time. Otherwise I am told to think of my family and the upset would cause them which means I have to stay alive for evertone else At the moment my son and his wife are coming home for Christmas 72 days till they arrive and that is that I am aiming to stay for. As for how can we get rid of these thoughts? I just dont know I am thinking I am stuck with them and just cant cope with this any longer. 1:1 with a psychologyst hasnt helped my CPN doesnt know how to get rid of them and they are getting worse in group therapy. Sorry I seem to have got even more depressing! things just arnt good at the mo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow girl Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 I don't know either. My keyworker is tryimg to get me to write a reasons to live letter to contradict the suicide letters I keep just in case. I'm trying to do it but am finding it very difficult to do so for any reason other than my husband and daughter who are the reason I'm still here. It's a tricky one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Suicide is a by-product of feelings of powerlessness. The thing that can stop us from feeling suicidel is to find out what has taken our power away and empower ourselves. Abuse experiences can take away our power, but if we remind ourselves that the abuse was nothing to do with us, and everything to do with our abusers, who abused because they felt powerless, it can remind us that we were never powerless and our feelings of powerlessness springs from someone elses feelings of powerlessness, so these powerlessness feelings are not ours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 i have tried suicide ots of times, esp while in hosp, even went blue twice, once i paniced and called for help (nurse call button), i wish i hadnt, the 2nd time i didnt ask for help but they unfortunately found me in time! i wish they hadnt, i want to be dead, i live for others my kids and hubby, not cos i want to, and if i was not out on leave from hossie i would be trying it again. think i would rather staff found me dead than my family, as staff not emotionally attached to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvette Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 My children I couldn't do it to them and my partner. In some ways that's good it keeps me here and hopefully one day I'll get better. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 The fact that one day I will get better I just have to hold out for that day x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 I'm the same as Bananas,My kids stop me however last week I hit rock bottom and bought 3 packets paracetamol and I was ready take them but I reached out for help instead and I think it was my first time ever I asked for help.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 the husband of someone we once worked with - has - very sadly - 'succeeded' in doing so - in the past few days perhaps hearing of the UTTER devastation this has caused his family - would make people think again he is now 'pain' free they will NEVER be - unless ofcourse they do the same clearly there are times when we, all of us, feel there IS no more we can take, or no more point to it all - but well just BUT xxxx (and please dont think we said that for sympathy - as we didnt know him at all - even though it is bitterly tragic, as always) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rufusmoo Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 My baby boy growing in my tummy. He deserves the right to live and the right to have a mummy as well x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 i have tried suicide ots of times, esp while in hosp, even went blue twice, once i paniced and called for help (nurse call button), i wish i hadnt, the 2nd time i didnt ask for help but they unfortunately found me in time! i wish they hadnt, i want to be dead, i live for others my kids and hubby, not cos i want to, and if i was not out on leave from hossie i would be trying it again. think i would rather staff found me dead than my family, as staff not emotionally attached to me That's really sad. Oftentimes, people who have tried suicide and not succeeded are really glad they didn't lose their life. I hope you find your own reason to live and enjoy life too. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annielou89 Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Every time I feel really low and helpless, I listen to this and the rest of the Here and Now album. Hearing them sing it live last night almost made me cry because it's so close to home. I imagine my boyfriend when I hear it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlwIzgnDsuU Well I know the feeling Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge And there ain't no healing From cutting yourself with the jagged edge I'm telling you that, it's never that bad Take it from someone who's been where you're at Laid out on the floor and you're not sure You can take this anymore So just give it one more try to a Lullaby And turn this up on the radio If you can hear me now I'm reaching out To let you know that you're not alone And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell 'Cause I can't get you on the telephone So just close your eyes. Oh honey here comes a lullaby Your very own lullaby Please let me take you Out of the darkness and into the light 'Cause I have faith in you That you're gonna make it through another night Stop thinking about the easy way out There's no need to go and blow the candle out Because you're not done You're far too young And the best is yet to come So just give it one more try to a Lullaby And turn this up on the radio If you can hear me now I'm reaching out To let you know that you're not alone And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell 'Cause I can't get you on the telephone So just close your eyes. Oh honey here comes a lullaby Your very own lullaby Well everybody's hit the bottom Everybody's been forgotten When everybody's tired of being alone Yeah everybody's been abandoned And left a little empty handed So if you're out there barely hanging on So just give it one more try to a Lullaby And turn this up on the radio If you can hear me now I'm reaching out To let you know that you're not alone And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell 'Cause I can't get you on the telephone So just close your eyes. Oh honey here comes a lullaby Your very own lullaby Oh honey here comes a lullaby Your very own lullaby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooky Ducky Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 The Nickleack lullabye song is very powerfull I am listening to it while I write this. Thanks Annielou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvette Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 What an amazing song. Who sings it? Its beautiful. I don't listen to music atm as it can send me over the edge. But that song is spot on x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berenger Posted October 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 thanks for the replies, good to see some positive reasons. The song is great too, thanks annielou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 i have tried suicide ots of times, esp while in hosp, even went blue twice, once i paniced and called for help (nurse call button), i wish i hadnt, the 2nd time i didnt ask for help but they unfortunately found me in time! i wish they hadnt, i want to be dead, i live for others my kids and hubby, not cos i want to, and if i was not out on leave from hossie i would be trying it again. think i would rather staff found me dead than my family, as staff not emotionally attached to me That's really sad. Oftentimes, people who have tried suicide and not succeeded are really glad they didn't lose their life. I hope you find your own reason to live and enjoy life too. x i really really wish i was never found, 3 times now i have been saved twice unwanted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berenger Posted October 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 i'm sorry to hear you feel so bad cadence. I don't have a partner or kids so i feel even less reason to live. What do you think is causing you to feel so suicidal ?. For me i have a lot of regrets and i can't seem to function like other people with work and relationships. I feel useless. I keep trying to move forward but don't get far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvette Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Awww cadance that's awful. I so hope in the future you will be able to take that back. As for present hugs lots of them x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 I guess i'm the same - I have lots of sui thoughts but couldn't wreak the pain and havoc on my family and friends. they are supportive (pretty much) but don't truly understand depression or the depths it can drag you to. Love to everyone. We all understand xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 i have tried suicide ots of times, esp while in hosp, even went blue twice, once i paniced and called for help (nurse call button), i wish i hadnt, the 2nd time i didnt ask for help but they unfortunately found me in time! i wish they hadnt, i want to be dead, i live for others my kids and hubby, not cos i want to, and if i was not out on leave from hossie i would be trying it again. think i would rather staff found me dead than my family, as staff not emotionally attached to me That's really sad. Oftentimes, people who have tried suicide and not succeeded are really glad they didn't lose their life. I hope you find your own reason to live and enjoy life too. x i really really wish i was never found, 3 times now i have been saved twice unwanted Sorry to hear that it is really sad. The thing about suicide is that it is a by product of feeling powerless. Everyone has power, whether they know it or not. Also, there are a lot of people who believe they have no power, and some of these people try to dis-empower others. These people can be teachers, bosses, parents, colleagues, accquaintances. No real friend would try to dis-empower you. Don't let others try to dis-empower you. Remember EVERYONE has power, even if you feel you have none at all, you do, it is just outside of your conscious awareness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 erm, i think I have had different things that stop me at different times i'll list them (some have already been said); Fear of the unknown (afterlife or not) Fear of it leaving me serverely disabled Fear of someone left behind thinking it was their fault My nieces, i am there only aunty Not wanting to be a statistic Not wanting people that have put me down to win Not wanting the MH services to have "one more off there books" Not wanting to cause the devastation my uncle caused last year by "completing" (don't think i've even told u guys that yet, tis still very raw) Not wanting to break the promise I wrote in the letter i put in my uncles coffin that i would not do the same as him and would talk about my problems, so that at least something good could come out of his death (me not dying). Not wanting the shit that goes with it if it doesnt work. xx xx xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvette Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 I need to get me a list x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted October 10, 2012 Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 thanks for all the support think i need a list too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annielou89 Posted October 11, 2012 Report Share Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks Cooky Duck, was amazing listening to the band play it live and literally reaching out when the lyrics mentioned it. It's Nickelback who play it Bananas, I use the lyrics of music to help me make sense of what's going on in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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