Barebones Posted July 24, 2005 Report Share Posted July 24, 2005 feeling so fat today. I had a bubbly bath and saw somthing that makes me feel good.. yep seeing ya own ribs is such a good feeling..i know i know this aint good but i feel so good about it.. it just means everything im doing is paying off.. sry if this upsets anyone else but this is only way i feel good about myself.not sure how to change the high i get from this to somthing thats suppose to be right and proper in way look at myself.. any advice would be grateful i guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise Posted July 25, 2005 Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 Guess I should say something really grown up etc but the truth is I would feel the same way. Left to my own devices I would probably not eat at all and gradually fade away. However, Its not just me, theres my 2 daughters to consider. My worst nightmare is that they will end up like me and waste their lives striving for the impossible. With children we have a blank canvass, we all know how easy a childs future can be ruined by their childhood. I am determined that this will be some thing I do right, least selfish thing I can do. If that means eating food with the family and being normal weight even if inside I am screaming then so be it. Ithink the problem we all have on these sites (myself included) is selfishness. The world doesn't revolve around us and there is probably not one soul on this planet that doesn't have some hidden heartache. Is being normal weight really the very worst thing that could happen ?? When I was a teen it felt like it was but now, no. I would happily be 20 stone (280 pounds) rather than one of my children suffer from a terminal illness of be abducted bya paedophile.You know shi*t has happened and we have to deal with it, but we have no right to destroy our children in the process, they really are the innocent victims. Having a parent with a visible eating disorder is the highest risk factor for a child developing one themselves, did you know that ??Lecture over !Denise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted July 25, 2005 Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 I am not selfish. I don't have kids. I have nothing to prove to anyone.I want to lose more weight. Simple as that. Everyone has their coping mechanisms, mine is food. I know what I am doing, I am eating healthily, just not very much that's all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 yeah your partly right denise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caz Posted July 25, 2005 Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 I have girls too-and I agree with you denise. Had to, in the end admit that starving was just a slow way of killing myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise Posted July 25, 2005 Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 Thats fine Claire if you are overweight and losing weight on a low-fat diet without the use of vomiting/laxatives or other dubious means. Losing weight and trying to starve yourself to death are very different or being so bulimic your heart might stop (remember Terri Shrivo in the US, husband had to turn her life-support off after she'd been a vegetable for several years ?).I personally have decided that I don't want to die, either quickly or slowly like this. Perhaps I did once. Perhaps stopping now will prevent that, perhaps after the years of self-abuseng the damage is already done. It might not be my decision to make anymore. Ok so I have kids and the thought of them being told that I was dead and then having to attend my funeral sends a chill through me and brings me to my senses. Even without kids, theres not many people that are completely alone, whose suffering and death would not cause anguish and pain to somebody. I have friends without kids who are still loved by many people around them. We are all selfish its at the heart of being human and surviving but sometimes you need to take a step back and view the bigger picture.Denise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted July 27, 2005 Report Share Posted July 27, 2005 Yes I understand. And thank you for your response Denise but I am not trying to die. Eating disorders are not about wanting death. Well not for me anyway.Even at my lowest point (6 and a half stone) I didn't want to do anything to jeopordise my life. I would still eat...just not very much. For every one person who takes anorexia to that end, their are thousands who just use it as a controlling device.No I am not fat, nor am I overweight.I have a normal weight of 9 and a half stone at 5 foot six...( 133 pounds I think) but I am teetering on the edge again of going down the anorexia route, as always.I am trying hard not to, but it is so tempting, because it gives me an incredible sense of being in control. I feel calm when I am restricting food. But out of control if I eat too much (or normal eating to most people).i guess it is like cutting. Most people are not trying to commit suicide but feel a sense of calm when they self injure. I think it is a difficult thing to understand.... But yes if I had kids I wouldn't want them to see me restrict my food so severely. I wouldn't want them to think that was normal. But as far as my family and friends are concerned. Well, it is none of their business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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