Lost Soul2 Posted October 20, 2012 Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Hi guys, I hope you can take a moment to read my story and offer me some feedback as to what I'm experiencing. Maybe some of you are going through the same thing? Before I start I'd like to say that I've never had any mental health issues in the past. I have always had a very stable and positive outlook on life, so much so that I plan to join the military. Hence this whole experience is completely alien to me, I feel like this life I'm living isn't even mine anymore. So this whole thing started in October 2011. I had just come back to University for my second year of study and I had chosen to go back into halls of residence rather than private housing which most students do in their second year. The reason behind this was because all the student houses looked so grotty and horrible and I just couldn't envisage myself living there with my mates. The first week back at Uni brings with it plenty of partying, socialising and more often than not...sex with strangers. I had been drinking and partying for about 2-3 days in a row when I suddenly had what can best be described as a 'Dark Night of the Soul'. I had strong suspicions that my drink had been spiked the night before as the whole evening was a blackout and when I went back to a girl's house, I couldn't get an erection during sex. Also, during the daytime I had horrendous stomach pains. I have never reacted to alcohol in this way before. So when I went to bed that evening (the night after the possible drink spiking) I felt very vulnerable and scared especially in my lonely rooms in halls. I just remember waking up in the middle of the night with racing dark thoughts. I was banging my fist on the wall begging not to go crazy. I felt like finding the fire exit to the roof so I could end it all. Now what the hell happened here?! For someone with no previous mental issues AT ALL to suddenly breakdown like this, can only be credited to either alchohol poisoining or drink spiking. It felt like I was living a nightmare, I completely lost the plot. The following morning I was up at 7am to ring my parents. I explaining to them that I had just had the weirdest evening (not going into as much detail as I didn't want to scare them). My dad just brushed it off as a bad nightmare, it would turn out to be so much more. For the next few weeks after that I felt incredibly strange. The best way to describe it is a persistent feeling of emptiness. It was if something had just sucked out all the joy, optimism and general sanity from my very being. I went to see the University counsellor which was personally very humiliating. It was like I'd lost faith in my own ability to deal with problems, which I have always done in the past. I explained to her in full how I was feeling and what happened during that first week. I saw here roughly once a week and each time I saw her I ended up breaking down in tears. I just couldn't understand what was happening to me, and this frustration was really getting me down. The next 3-4 months sent me spiralling into a depression. I had racing negative thoughts, couldn't concentrate, couldn't spend time by myself and generally hit rock bottom. After Christmas I gradually recovered from my bout of depression and felt slightly more stable. Since then however I have still been left with the exact same feelings of those first few weeks. As I'm writing this and I describe to you how I feel it would be summed up by 'emptiness'. Everything in life seems so pointless. I have no excitement over the future. Everything seems so bleak and meaningless. I feel like a zombie, just going through the motions of life with no attachment or joy. I've lost my libido, motivation to succeed in life and even the love for my family and friends. It's like I'm just driftwood. My attemps at treating this issue have been counselling (as previously mentioned), shamanic healing (desperation), hypnotherapy (with one of the best hypnotherapists in London), a spiritual walk known as the Camino de Santiago, fish oils, Vitamin D3 supplement, and I've recently starting taking the SAMe supplement. I literally see no light at the end of the tunnel. None of the above treatments have worked. This is the first ever post I've put on a mental health forum, I wanted to see if anyone out there can relate to my experience or these feelings that I have? I just want my old self back so badly. The zest, passion, motivation and positive outlook that I used to have, I want to retrieve desperately. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I understand it's a long post but I think you need the full picture. Any feedback or comments would be great. Lost Soul2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted October 20, 2012 Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Hunni can you look back and see that you had some of these negative feelings before that night? It seems so odd that 1 night would have changed so much. Have you seen a doctor? The dark night of the soul, I believe this is possible, but the sudden on set seems unlikely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvette Posted October 20, 2012 Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Have you took drugs in the past as they can cause this? Also I really think you need to see a gp I know its hard but it sounds like you could do with some medication to lift your mood and start enjoying things again. You sound depressed. I have very often felt empty and like I'm just going through the motions of life but not enjoying it. All the things that would $make you feel better are almost impossible to do socialising. Working fresh air etc. There is a lot of stigma attached to mental illness but it is very common. And doesn't always last. I know of a guy who went out with friends collapsed started talking gibberish and ended up with severe ocd and tics just like that. The mind is an amazing but crazy thing and sometimes we just can't make it better by ourselves xxx hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost Soul2 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Thanks for the replies guys! Maddison when I look back I did have some negative feelings before that night but that's when it seems to have all fallen down on me. I remember having a fling with a girl from back home before I came back to uni and when I finally told her that I didn't want a relationship I really upset her and I felt terribly guilty. From then on actually, I noticed I wasn't looking forward to things as much. Like going out on the town with my mates, I couldn't get pumped for. And I booked a skiing trip which I knew I should really be excited about but those feelings just weren't there. Now I think it would be unwise to put all of this down to one relatively meaningless breakup but I certainly noticed a lack of optimism over that summer. I wasn't consciously thinking about her and this wasn't making me upset, but perhaps subconsciously something triggered? I appreciate that for these issues, it's good to understand the cause to receive the right treatment, like with any illness, but I really don't know if it matters anymore. I am where I am, I just feel like I need a light switch to go off in my head to snap out of it. This really is a horrible nightmare that I desperately want waking from. Bananas I have only smoked pot once or twice in my life and that was years ago. So a good point to raise, but no this is not drugs related. I did see my GP back when I was experiencing the bout of heavy depression but I've always been reluctant to take any medication. 1) This would jeapordise my military career and 2) I'm fearful of the side effects (in many cases tampering with neurotransmitters can make depression worse) Trust me I've done a colossal amount of personal research on anti-depressants. You're right that the mind is a very complex machine and it can easily break, someone I know likenened it to a gymnast balancing on a beam - it can so easily fall off the edge. What a miserable way to live your life knowing that may be true though. Like I say, never before did I think anything like this would happen to me. I spend a lot of time wandering around campus feeling deeply jealous of people who have none of these problems, I guess I was one of those people before. Anyone else have any suggestions or similar stories to share? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted October 20, 2012 Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Hunni I think you are depressed and may be in your mind you've pinned it to 1 night. I am not convinced that 1 night was as important. If we are going to break then we will, perhaps that night had some thing in it that meant it was when you couldn't get a way from these painful feelings any more? If your ill, depressed, then medicine can help. Any illness with medicine has it's risks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted October 20, 2012 Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 i've been on anti depressents for over a year now and what a difference they've made to my life. might be worth trying one to see if it works for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost Soul2 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 If you don't mind me asking Maddy was your depression situational? As in did something bad happen in your life that made you depressed? I can see the logic behind anti-depressants but I feel that once you start taking them you become dependent. As you say, you've been on them for a year. Do you ever think you will be able to stop taking them? Will you ever get to that point where you wake up one morning and say "I'm not depressed anymore" and throw your meds away? Doctors and scientists still haven't concluded whether biological abnormalities in the brain are the cause of depression or a consequence. These are the reservations I have... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 If you broke your leg would it matter if it was intentional or accidental in regards to it getting fixed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost Soul2 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 No but I think there are many types of depression and identifying which one you have should then dictate the treatment. To use your broken leg analogy, one does not get injured or develop depression "intentionally" but locating where the leg is broken can help with treatment. Of course the where is linked to the why in this case. I know this because I've broken several bones! I'm not trying to come across temperamental but I think many GP's are naive to think that one treatment (i.e. anti-depressants) solves the problem. For them, it appears the easy way out. Perhaps my opinion is prejudice, if I wasn't set on the military then perhaps I would be more open to the idea of taking medication. Equally, I can't see myself stable enough to serve in the military in my current state, in fact I can't see myself happy in any job. So what do I have to lose right? Other than my pride? This is all part of the vicious cycle of depression I suppose.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I see anti-depressants as a foot up to get you where you want to be. A psychiatrist once said to me it was ideal to take an anti-depressant for the same amount of time you've suffered a depression. For me that has been always and I intend on taking them for the rest of my life. For people that are depressed because they lose their job or a loved one perhaps a 6 month treatment can get them back on track. I've a friend that lost a parent, she isn't mentally ill. A couple months after her mom died she found it hard to get out of bed in the morning and was taking days off from her job. She saw her doctor was given anti-depressants and started talking therapy (privately), she took the anti-depressant for less than a year. This was a few years a go now and she is fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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