Not Ready/able To Accept And Move On

[AmyP]

it's almost like anything that validates my 'issues' i just reject. anything that makes me feel like i have mh problems i just can't take. i was on a DBT course but quit, i was on meds that may have been helping but am now nearly off them, and i've got an appt with single point of access team coming up after was referred by gp but i won't be able to make it and tbh don't want to go because i know i will just end up quitting or not committing to the treatment. it feels good to be validated at the start but quickly turns sour.

i say that i have bpd sometimes, or that i have mh problems, but i think that's just because it's something i've been told. i really don't think i do at all. and as soon as i try to think about it i get so angry and start arguing with myself insulting shouting in my head. just making excuses and trying to be something your not your not different at all just another stupid little girl. people out there have real mh problems don't you dare compare yourself to what they suffer with.

i thought i needed a dx and that would help me, it didn't.

i thought getting help would help me accept it, it didn't.

same with meds and other mh related things.

i talk about things i do, but to me it's just life. just what people do. part of me can see perhaps it's not 'normal' but that thought is soon deleted. it's stuff that hurts me i guess, but doesn't make me any different or 'unwell'.

all this makes me think that there is nothing that can be done, because there is nothing. i accept that i'm not the most healthy person, but i don't have mh issues either.

i am literally on the borderline of life.

it hurts when people say that i'm intelligent in relation to mental health, that i have insight. i guess it's because it's the impression i give, you can't tell through words alone that they are hollow and meaningless. that what i say may sound good but it doesn't register at all with whoever is inside my mind. the seperate thing between body and mind.

how can i be intelligent when i can't deal with life?

why does it have to hurt so much.

[Maddison]

Pan hunni I know what you mean I doubt there is any thing wrong with me some times. What if I'm lazy and irresponsible? That isn't an illness and I could be seen as that. What if I just say I'm not well when other people might feel the same and don't complain?

What I'm saying probably isn't helping!

The doctors can't all be wrong, the NHS doesn't give therapy and medicines to every one. The scars are real and the pain does hurt.

[Saharah Blue]

dx's take time to come to terms with. I am sure at some point you will find your coping skills and style will improve or become more difficult. A lot of it is how much it interfere's with your functioning in day to day life. Although, I have had years to accept my dx, there are certain parts I just can't look at, parts that would mean my life will have limitations that I would find to painful to confront. So, I work on other areas of my symptoms for now.

When I was younger I had more stubborn feist, more motivation more desire to believe in changing my world and life and chances. The older I get the more tired I get. The older coping style that saw me through my young years just doesn't hold up, so I have to find new healthier ways of coping.

I really do think you will get help when you are ready. I believe that of most everyone. I think people do the best they can with what they know. Don't beat yourself up for not accepting all the help on offer to you now. Just knowing there is help if you find a place of trust is such a support and relief.

I think most of us go through periods where we think there is really nothing wrong with us, we are just indulging ourselves.

[Eagleheart]

It sounds like you are denying that you are not well because you think you are completely unworthy of gentle care and focused attention.

I did/still do this a lot.I keep thinking that someone as pathetic as me really doesn't deserve to even be acknowledged

YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH COMPASSION HUN.

I really hope you start to see that you are as important as any other human being.xxx

[maddy harper]

(((huge hugs dori))) so sorry you feel this way

[AmyP]

Thanks maddison hun, it makes sense what you've said about nhs not giving out treatment, but i guess i feel like ive manipulated them into thinking there's something wrong.

Thanks sah, do you think it's us indulging ourselves?

Thanks eagleheart, sorry you understand how it feels, i guess yeh i don't feel like i deserve to be acknowledged as someone who has mh issues.

Thanks maddy hun

xxx

[Saharah Blue]

I don't think we are indulging ourselves but part of it is feeling as if we are. Feeling like we are not trying hard enough, when we are doing the best we know how is a symptom. Society doesn't make it any easier, because most people will view us as being relatively normal and the expectation to meet that are fine when they can be met, but when they can't its back to struggle and feeling horrible. I suppose the social masks we have concocted make it feel worse when needing additional support and understanding.

I believe we need love support and nurturing, the very things we don't know how to give ourselves. Some people feel like that is selfish or they are unworthy, or even at a total loss on how to embrace it because it has been absent so long. It is a self soothing technique to learn how give yourself those things.

[Maddison]

Thank you Sahara I know this is a reply to Pan but I've found what you written to be very helpful.