nikij89 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 Its such a comfort knowing I'm not the only one. I am constantly questioning my sanity. I have such respect for everyone especially those taking the time to chat to me x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 i lie to talk about it to people that understands and would be great to make some good friends the ones i have are not very good i want some friends that i can help and that can help me through the struggles and not keep telling me to get over it lol i have much respect to you for coming here and trying to help yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 I dont feel as though I had a choice. I think if i go any lower il be back on suicide watch. I put on this happy smiley persona but i am so dead inside. At least here I dont have to pretend. I dont have one friend in real life, i lost them all through their lack of understanding me and my lashing out. But I am desperate to have people in my life. Why don't you try to push your doctor appointment closer Ruff as your feeling so low and going to DBT isn't necessarily going to help as much as it would if you were feeling that bit better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 i have to wait 6 months for these appointments my next one is on monday iv waited this long i can wait a few more days. my freinds just wont leave me alone sometimes but its mainly because they want to come up to my flat and drink and do drugs n that all they wanna do drink do drugs fight and sleep around all of which i dont really like doing appart from drinking i dont mind that every now and again. maybe when you start dbt you will find it easier to make friends and keep them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 Oh no you need to remove yourself from people like that. Its all negativity around you and that will just affect your mood. I hope so. I find it hard to let people in, i am fine over a computer or phone but face to face i don't do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 Hey peoples who read this. Hope you are all doing well. I have started feel sick and jittery about going back to College tomorrow. Can't help but think I have made a wrong decision and it is too soon. Damn BPD. Such a control freak. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 hey niki how are you doing today hope collage went well for you let us know how it went Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 Heyy. Thanks for ur message. College went okay thank u, until I got home and convinced myself I didn't deserve the place and I should give it up, then I decided to stay my mums so I weren't alone and my sister started giving me grief, so feel like absolute crap now. I don't belong anywhere, Just a burden. Sorry to ramble on, just feel like screaming. Hope u on the other hand r doing okay and enjoying Halloween :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2012 Fed up of being fed up. Tired of being tired. Sick of being sick Will it ever get easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 Really struggling these past few days. Had enough. Only way out seems to be death and I may sound selfish but I dont care. I have no1. For one god dam I just want to feel 'normal'. To wake up happy and stay happy. Aint going to happen is it Whats the point Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 hi niki sorry i havent been here for a few days its been a rollercoaster journey and now im absolutly drained. im so sorry you are feeling this way im in the same place as you right now and its sickening, but please dont do anything to harm yourself i know its hard but there are people who care i also wanted to thank you for coming onto this forum and talking to me through my troubles. iv found myself wanting to come on here to see how you are doing and wanting to chat to you. i have not felt like this for another person in a long time and i thank you for being so nice and bring those feelings back to me i hope things get better for you. you are in my thoughts :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 I can't do it ruff, 10 years I've been battling and I just don't have any more fight left in me. I've got no support. No friends. Family who ain't got a clue. Found out I am the talk of my work so I don't even have my job to go back too now knowing everyones talking about me. I just don't know what more to do. BPD wins. Thank you though, your words are really touching, made me cry but in a good weird way that I have that effect on someone, thank you so much. I hope your feeling abit better x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 i would love to be able to know the magic words that takes all this pain, and sadness and exastion away but it is just relentless and just wont let up. im trying so hard to use my skills from dbt but its all to much to deal with the emptyness is killing i feel as tho i need a hug but from someone that knows and understand but iv just got man it up the best i can i suppose is there anything you like doing maybe to try and distract you splashing your face with ice cold water can shock you out of it give it try sending you big hugs niki x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 Heyy, ended up contacting my doctor who has changed my medication AGAIN, just doesn't seem to be any 'good days' or even 'good hours' anymore. How are you doing ruff?xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 dont really know how im feeling my anxiaty is up high and iv been trying to relax its kind of like im in an emotional state but when i try n pick what emotion im feeling nothing seems to stick. my head is all clouded and cant reall think strait. which meds did they change you to cant wait to get mine sorted could really do with the help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 I can totally relate *thumbs down* When are you at the doctors again? Erm a new one called Reboxetine :/ Never heard of it xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 on monday, i feel as i am going down hill bad tonight dont if im coming or going my heads gonna explode everything iv tried to do today has not helped and resulted in making me worse. im loosing the plot. how are doing now are you feeling any better. iv never herd of them ones have you taken any yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 no not just yet, iv never heard of them, I googled them and there wasnt much info on there either. will just have to see. I feel like I am just waiting for the next thing to happen cos I know it will. has anything started you off or does it just happen?xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 it just seems to happen im not sure if there is a trigger to it but if there is i cant see it. i kind of feel like the next thing is happening and the next and the next in constant waves its just so intense im sorry if im annoying you with all this or if i say something wrong im trying so hard to reach out of the fog in my head its sort of confusing me x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 Don't be daft u put up with me and my rubbish. It's what I'm here for plus I'm glad u can speak to me. I understand I don't think I have any triggers. Wish I could or say the right words xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 any words are fine lol what you up to are you feeling any better? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 I'm hid under the duvet tryin to watch tv u? Its hard tryna figure it all out really. But ur doin the right thing with DBT an in the doctors Monday. So it's a step forward. I know it's hard as anything but try not to stress too much an get through the weekend xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 im on here on my xbox and it is taking ages to write any thing but its taking some time up so its alright lol. yea it is hard to figure it out and tommorow will be another story its just when its hard it seems so easy to want to give up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 It's the easy option isn't it but most times feels like the only choice. Least ur keeping busy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 3, 2012 Report Share Posted November 3, 2012 how are you getting on today sweeheart hope you are well x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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