nikij89 Posted November 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 3, 2012 I'm okay thank you. I love fireworks so they perking me up a little as me mum and that are doing some tonight. Still drained and tired unfort. Hows you?xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 3, 2012 Report Share Posted November 3, 2012 still in pain but a little better than yesterday. i like fireworks i live in a tower block facing london so im going to watch everyone elses lol iv also got a bottle of home made strawberry and rasberry wine might crack that open depends how i feel hope you enjoy your night x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2012 still in pain but a little better than yesterday. i like fireworks i live in a tower block facing london so im going to watch everyone elses lol iv also got a bottle of home made strawberry and rasberry wine might crack that open depends how i feel hope you enjoy your night x Hey hunny. Strawberry and raspberry wine sounds yummy. I am very jealous. Hope your doing okay. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2012 So after a bad weekend and still no where with sleeping. I am going to call the mental health team tomorrow and see what they say as I can't cope, so see what comes of it. Hope everyone is doing better than me. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 4, 2012 Report Share Posted November 4, 2012 so sorry you are not feeling better maybe the best thing is to see the mh team iv been thinking this myself i hope they give you a bit of help. how did the fireworks go did you get to enjoy any of it. the wine was unlike anything i have drank had a kick to it lol x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2012 I don't know what else I can do, I'm just scared of telling them the exact truth of how I feel and ending up hospitalized, I don't want that. Fireworks weren't that good I couldn't concentrate but the bommy was really nice, I got lost in it just staring. What about you?xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 4, 2012 Report Share Posted November 4, 2012 dont know if your area is different from mine but with the mental health team round here they dont really care i have told them countless amount of times i want to top myself i even asked them to admit me and they wouldnt, i think you should tell them the truth just they can give you the right help. i love bonfires i could stear in the all day lol. i had a bit of a mad night my two brothers come and "kidnapped" me we went driving about for a few hours me head was all over the place tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 So rang the local mental health team as I am struggling so bad to be told I just have to wait basically. Would I have to wait if I was on suicide watch or in the hospital. Its a joke. I'm no different to the others getting help and I have to wait, nothing else they can do. And this is why I give up because what is the f**king point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 I don't want to be hospitalized but seems the only option around here to get instant help, it takes the piss. I haven't even got the energy to be angry. My doctor has signed me as not fit to work also so looks like I have to quit college. Just always step backwards when will the forward steps come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 awwww niki im so sorry i have just been to the psyc doc and basicaly she said she cant do nothing i even started crying in there and that is a massive thing for me to cry infront of people and she didnt care. i said i cant cope that i need anxiaty meds and sleeping meds and she kept ignoring me i HATE mh teams i feel like i could do with time in hospital because im not doing well at all but they wont have me. i know what you mean you aint got no energy to be angry what else can we do. do you feel you can still go to collage do you want to stay at collage because being signed off work dont necesaryly mean you cant go to collage just tell them you need it as part of your recovery if however you feel you cant cope with going then just ignor what i put because i cannot do anything at the moment, work, collage. i think that there are alot of steps back in recovery but that does not make it any easier hope you are ok xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 Hey all. Had a few days off here. Back with more bad news. Seems though I have to give my flat up and move back in with my mum. I am really down to say the least. I've more or less just about lost everything now through this BPD. Will it ever get better. Will I ever be happy to live. How much more can I take. I hope all you guys are doing well and again apologies for not being on. Get in touch xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 awwww niki im so sorry i have just been to the psyc doc and basicaly she said she cant do nothing i even started crying in there and that is a massive thing for me to cry infront of people and she didnt care. i said i cant cope that i need anxiaty meds and sleeping meds and she kept ignoring me i HATE mh teams i feel like i could do with time in hospital because im not doing well at all but they wont have me. i know what you mean you aint got no energy to be angry what else can we do. do you feel you can still go to collage do you want to stay at collage because being signed off work dont necesaryly mean you cant go to collage just tell them you need it as part of your recovery if however you feel you cant cope with going then just ignor what i put because i cannot do anything at the moment, work, collage. i think that there are alot of steps back in recovery but that does not make it any easier hope you are ok xxx Hey hunni. Sorry about ur doctor seems they all shit. How u feeling now? Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 hey niki im so sorry things are not good for you. as far as iv heard it can get better and you can be happy it just takes work and dedication. when you start your therapy you need to work really hard and stick with it. i know im one to talk as im finding it hard but the people i talk to that are getting better say it so it must work lol. i know how hard it is to keep a place throught bpd iv nearly lost mine 4 times. i dont want to be patronising but try and look at any good point of it maybe you get to spend more time with your mum or have some girly nights together. i know it will be hard you are in my thoughts (((niki))) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2012 Hey. Thanks Ruff. Always seems to be one thing after another. And I've got this voice stuck in my head constantly telling me I'm not worth it and everyone's better off without me. I've called doctors, mh team, psychologist this week and been told of all them I have to just wait. Asif it is that easy. How are you doing anyway? I'm guna push me self to come back on here more. I need it. Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2012 I just don't understand myself this past week. I was convinced going back to college was the right move and ever since everything else has just gone wrong. Why is it always one step forward and a million back. I've tried reading up on it but that confuses me more. I've triedto adjust and try to live normally but no. I long so much to die and get away once and for all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 Well that's me packed up and back at my mums. Have to say I am really enjoying college now but had a back to work meeting and hated even being the office to find out someone has been gossiping my whole facebook back to my manager :/ Not happy to say the least as always but least college is okay. Hope everyone is okay and sorry I haven't been on I just feel as though all I do is moan and burden others but anyone want to chat pop up Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2012 Back again. Everyone seems to have disappeared from my topic but I will continue to update. So through my finances I had to give my notice in on my flat and am now back at my mums which I cant say I am adapting to it very well. I had a back to work meeting and they said they would not accomodate my college course and asked me to choose basically. I am not giving up college for a shitty support work minimum wage job so that was that. I am now officially money-less. Signed up to see the college counsellor however and she was helpful and put me front of her waiting list so fingers crossed she will be better than all the crap pathetic NHS ones. I am starting to struggle at college as I cant take in any of the information Im being taught and found my moods are not controllable whilst Im there. Also started chatting to a boy, met him few times then same as ever he disappeared so Im gutted and feeling rejected, doubt I will ever meet anyone who will stick around. Had a few heated arguements this week also and cannot control my anger. I am also hugely thinking about going to the police about my abuser. The more I see him the more I could physically murder him and I dont see why I should suffer and he should walk around like everything is fine with a happy little life. Thought I am so scared of the outcome and more scared of there being no evidence and the fact that if he was found not guilty I know itd kill me. Well thats my week in a nut shell :/ Hope you guys are okay. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2012 I can't cope anymore. Moods are so erratic. My head feels so heavy. Im so drained in all ways. I just dont want to fight anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffryder Posted November 21, 2012 Report Share Posted November 21, 2012 hi niki sorry i have not been about i have been having a pretty hard time doing dbt alot has been coming out but im stickin at it and have a good feeling its working, sorry to hear you are not doing well have you been in contact with your gp or a therapist hope you are ok speak soon xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 So got to the point after alot of thinking and planning I took another overdose Saturday, was told they didn't want to hospitalize me and so long as I 'promise' to not do it again I can go home. I feel nothing but anger for not taking enough. My ex has gone to the point of changing his number to get away from me and my 'drama' but claims he still loves me. I sat and thought if Ricky Hatton won I wouldn't do anything, if he lost I'd take an overdose, like I wanted a sign but obviously he lost. I apologise if this is upsetting for anyone but I need to just be able to talk freely. Why won't it all just go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvette Posted November 27, 2012 Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 Hey nik sorry your having such a crappy time. So hope you are ok. Sometimes when we are so poorly just getting through the day is hard enough. Let alone college. I take on things when I feel better then fail miserably. Guess I'm just not ready YET x it will get better I am coming oyt of it now. With the right meds and therapy but a long way to go yet. But I do have good happy days. Take care and hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mat123 Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 Hey niki, My ex did the same thing last weekend. I broke into the house and found her on the floor passed out. We both have boarderline. It's really hard sometimes but good to share. I've only recently been diagnosed, but I do know from my history there are good times too x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2012 Its been horrid. I know as soon as I get the thought, I have to act on it otherwise it doesnt go away. I am feeling better than i was however, so wrong to say but i got rid of the feeling at least. Because of my actions i have been forwarded for Managing Emotions therapy so I have now started that and have a college counsellor. I am putting all my hopes into both of these. Its nice to hear of 2 people together but sticking with each other, i dont think il ever meet anyone with or without anything. Hope everyone is doing okay and if my post was upsetting i am so sorry. As i said before i want to use this as a diary for me to look back on and this is possibly the happiest post iv ever posted. Fingers crossed for me. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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