nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Can anyone recommend anything for me to try to sleep? I have been on medication at night which helped me sleep, but I couldn't handle the hallucinations and feelings that came with them. I decided to come off them and now I don't sleep. An hour a night if im lucky. :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Well hey, Nikij89. Welcome to the club :/ I posted not too long ago about a similar situation. A few things were suggested to me, like meditation and white noise (waves, rain, etc.). Also, staying away from the computer late at night can also help. Tea (camomile was suggested) can be helpful, as long as there is no caffeine in it. I wish you luck and hope you find something that works for you. I'm in the same boat and get my sleep whenever I can. It sucks hard not being able to sleep regularly without depending on medication. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 I think that is the scariest thing actually realising how dependent I must be to meds to actually sleep :/ Thank you for your suggestions. Ill be sure to try anything. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 I can't say as though I share the same sentiment as feeling that it's the scariest. To me, it's a burden and I'm spiteful that I need to rely on them, and I'm angry that my mind won't shut up otherwise. But besides that, yeah, it seems that we're in the same boat. If you find something that works, let me know! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 See I feel as though I'm the burden. To whoever. Seems I actually can't win as on medication I sleep far Tokyo much and off it not at all. :/ I also don't want to come reliant on medication really but then iI argue with myself because I don't know if it works or if I need it. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Well, that's different. I think we all feel that we are burdening many people. I know, for a fact, that I feel that way almost every day. And then it feeds into the loneliness, because we don't want to trouble people with "trivial" things like, y'know, our feelings. So while I find the medication is a burden to me, I am a burden to others around me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Ah yes I understand that. It makes sense. So to me I could say that the BPD is a burden on me that makes me a burden to others. I wish I could just accept what or who I am but I don't know who I am. Since joining this site questions have just been running around in my head... possibly why I haven't slept. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Perhaps you should take some time and try to get those questions out. Write them down somewhere, if you can. It might relieve your mind from asking them over and over again. And perhaps you can google the questions or - by all means - ask them here. I can't promise we'll have all the answers, by I've noticed that the people here are informative and we will direct you to someone (or some place) that might provide what you are looking for. The road to recovery of bpd is long, frustrating and tedious. It's not easy, but you aren't alone. Ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 I just can't shrug the thought that I don't want to fight it. I've been fighting for 10 years and the thought of another 10 makes me feel physically sick. The more I read or ask the worse I feel but it just acceptance. I need to accept myself I know I do but saying it and doing it are 2 different things. I'm beginning to feel as though this site's going to help but I still feel a burden. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Instinctively, I want to do nothing but help others, like yourself, and tell you that it's going to be okay. But that plays into the fact of being wanted and rid myself of the loneliness that I feel. Something to occupy the emptiness inside. But I know it won't be there for ever. I firmly believe that, with proper therapy and discipline, we can rid ourselves of this accursed curse of ours. Along that route, we will have our pitfalls and pick-me-ups, but eventually, we will be done with it! I think this forum, and everyone on it, has been very helpful. We can pull our resources together and help guide each other to wellness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Definitely. I'm finding it helpful really. I didn't at first I questioned what I was doing but now I am so glad I stuck it out and waited. How long ago did you geyser your diagnosis can I ask? I personally don't think there is enough awareness and much resources or so I have found in my area. I do myself like helping others. I went into support work ans thoroughly enjoyed it but then this stupid BPD took over and I had to go on the sick. I can give the greatest of advice but can't follow it myself. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 I made mention of that in one of my posts: I don't follow the adage of "Practice what you preach". I give decent advice (although I'll admit to being wrong sometimes), but I don't follow what I tell people. As for me? I've only been diagnosed recently with bpd. About 2 years now, but I know for a fact that I've been living with it all my life. I was hospitalized a few times, and each time they gave me something for my depression, but they didn't go deep enough to see the root of why I was depressed. Not until recently, and because of that, everything in my life made a little more sense, and I could put a name to the "monster under the bed". It's been a pain in my ass all my life, but only because I didn't know what it was. Now that I know, I don't plan on going down without a fight. In other words, I'll be damned if Borderline gets the best of me. Of course, I say this now that I'm lucid. Ask me again when I'm in one of my "moods", and I'll tell you that I'm ready to give up, much like I was ready this past weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 See my moods r daily, and change so frequently I don't know whether I'm comin or goin. I'd never heard of BPD before my diagnosis. But I always knew I was more than just depressed. It's so hard. I don't know what normality is. Struggling more I find because I don't have much help and not 1 person around who understands until I come on here anyway. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 I have one friend who has bpd, but that's it. She also has other things that she's dealing with, so I won't bother her about it. My best friend is an introvert, so my sudden bursts of emotions are a little much for her. My girlfriend is a schizoid, which pretty much means the same as my best friend, except she's even more of an introvert. So when I go off on my emotional tangents, I don't have anyone to relate to. Until I come here. And even when I get into my moods, I feel as though I'm just complaining or being the drama llama and shouting "Look at me! I want attention!". But at least there are people, however remote they are, that understand what I'm going through. As I've said before, I'd rather have the face-to-face interaction, but at this point, I'll take support where ever it's given. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 That is exactly how i feel. Like an attention seeker. Both on here and in real life. It is good that you have at least someone to relate too. I don't know if it is just the UK that has hardly any help for BPD or what but there is limited access to those means around here. There isn't one support group within my local area. I feel limited. But even just speaking to you now has made me relax a little. I'm talking about things without realising until re-reading I am which is always a bonus. I'd love nothing more than to meet someone who will laugh when I laugh, hold me when I cry, ignore me when I'm angry. Kind of a fairy tale I guess. Do you find it impacts on your relationship with your girlfriend alot? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Oh, don't get me wrong: There's not much support here in Canada. Not in the nation's capital, at least. It's good to take in what's been said, but sort through what you don't like and take in what you feel is more beneficial to you. That's just common sense, I think. You know, I'm as cynical as they come. I don't believe in "fairy tale endings" and all that. But what you describe - in wanting to laugh and cry and the sort - isn't a fairy tale. It's what I think we all want, and it can happen. I'm just not really sure how. Oh, for sure. There are times when I'm a complete mess and she has no clue what to do. She can hold me or ignore me or laugh with me, but when I'm in my moods, I lock out the world. No one gets in behind my wall. No one. And when I'm behind there, I feel isolated and alone and wish that someone would come and save me. See, I built that wall, so it's self-defeating of course. If any of that made sense ... I tend to talk in analogies. I'm a creative writer, so they just pop in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Yeah I do understand. I like the way you put things into sentences. Its a weird one and I cannot explain it any other words than - I want the whole happy relationship but as soon as it starts to happen I push people away when really I just want 1 person to prove I'm worth fighting for. But again I become reliant to others when really the only person who matters is 'me' If that makes sense. I'm rubbish at expressing feelings or putting feelings into words, not that I can show it, I just keep everything locked away. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 No, it makes perfect sense. I would like for someone to come to me and ask me, however randomly, "Hey, are you okay?" Simple words, but it tells me that someone cares, and that I matter to someone. Which doesn't make sense, because I know, logically, there are people who like me in their lives. I don't know if you've had therapy or whatnot, but there is one particular treatment that seems to work so far for me and another on this board (it might work for others, but no one's said anything yet): Get a collection of positive things together, and keep them tucked away in a shoe box or something. That's your "survival kit". Inside mine, I have letters from friends who tell me that they like me and what they like about me, as well as little trinkets and pictures that people have given me to keep me "grounded". It helps sometimes when I doubt anyone wants me around. But sometimes, that isn't enough. I need to hear it, or feel it ... You should try to express your emotions somehow. Keeping them bottled up is a recipe for disaster. Dancing, music, writing, art ... any form of creative outlet is perfect for you. I can't draw or create a piece of art to save my life, but I can write and tell stories. It's what I do to keep me tethered. I posted two pieces up here so far: The Wall and The Rollercoaster. I also did a smaller one that I named "The Hill", but it's hidden away in one of the posts. They just come to me, and I feel a little better after writing them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 I have tried drawing and I end up doodling. I also tried writing and soon as I sat to put pen to paper my mind was blank. I feel for me, I need to be pushed, I need to be told time and time again i can do it, I'm worth something. Its as if I can't do it alone, I want someone through each step with me but I don't have that. As for the box I think it sounds like a great idea but my only downfall would be filling it, I wouldn't really have anything to put it in it. I sound so negative, sorry. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Negative? Not at all. If anything, it sounds like you need a good support system around you. Something to act as pillars for when you're crumbling. That's what my writing is for me. Are you currently seeking therapy? Or are you doing all of this on your own? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 On my own at the moment, I was put on a waiting list at the beginning of this month for coping therapies but this group doesn't start till February. I chose not to go down the counselling route as of yet because I want to be a bit more in control of my moods before I try to open up about my past etc. I have researched for groups etc in my local area but isn't anything. I lost all my friends through this (can't really call them friends as they didn't stick around I suppose) I only really have my mum and without slating her she just hasn't a clue but thats no fault of her own, I think she is quite in denial. I really do appreciate you taking the time to speak to me x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Counselling might not be a bad idea. Up front, you can tell them that you aren't comfortable with talking about a lot of things, and over time, you will slowly open up. Talk about things immediate that are getting to you, and when you are ready, you will open up. That is how it worked for me with one particular counsellor. Unfortunately, I had to move away from them and I haven't been to a decent one yet. It's sad to say, but I pushed most of my friends away. I lost a really, really good one because of this. Mind you, she also had a handful of her own issues at the time, and my constant ... pushing ... didn't help. I don't mind talking and helping. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I do. But remember; I'm only one person with one set of views and opinions. I'm also Canadian, so I'm up really, really, really late. ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Oh gosh I didn't even realise. Its 9.20am here and I've not had 1 wink of sleep Yeah I feel such an achievement of helping others. Hope one day I get to help you back As for counselling I would still get put on a waiting list so again I don't know :/ x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DorianK Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 5:20 so far here. I'll head out in a few hours to check up on a security job position, and then probably come back home and attempt to get some sleep. Honestly, just by talking about something -not- myself is helping me out. Mainly because I don't like talking about myself. I guess I should at some point, but until then, it's what I like to do. People who know me think of me as a big bear. I'm tall, broad and protective. You know ... you should get in on that list. Get that ball started. This way you can make your decision on whether or not you want to go while your stuff is being processed. Also, it gets it over and done with, so that when you're finally ready to see a counsellor, you're not waiting longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikij89 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Very true but the NHS only offer 1 at a time support and to pay for the therapy its £40 a session or so and I just don't have that kind of money. Bit of a vicious circle i'm on really. I am going to contact my doctor so I could still ask Yeah you should get some sleep definately, it wont help your moods in the long run :/ This is probably the first time I've ever sat and talked about myself to be honest, I never ever open up but then again I think i prefer to chat more over technology than face to face, its easier for me to get it out than find the words x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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