Body, Guilt, Fear And Partner

[cozzie]

hi there, i have a history of anorexia of 10 years, i got put into a unit in october 2010 and came out march 2011, since then it has been a rollercoaster of not eating then tryin to recover. This year my weight has gone up in a few month period as i was put on the bipolar spectrum and after this my beautiful mum died

i got put on two medications including lithium, i gained a lot of weight on it so i went to the doctor and got took off of it. I then got put on to another medication and that made me gain weight, i had such a panic that i gave myself another thunderclap headache and landed myself back in hospital.

i got taken off of that medication and then after a week it was clear that my anxiety had gotten worse, so i had to restart it. for a couple of weeks i was tryin to be sensible eating three nutritious meals a day as i had learnt in the unit, and jogging every other day. the last 4 or so days iv been skipping on some meals and thought it may hav made a difference but no, needless to say today i hav been preoccupied with my body image,food and exercise more.

my fiance said to me (when i gave myself the headache) i cant support u wen you dont eat, i can support u with health n fitness but u need the energy for that too.its too much heartache to see you become nothing.

i feel so bad for him, because i dont want to put him through the worry, at the same time i dont want the awful worry,guilt and shame of knowing that im having to eat properly again when i feel as bad about myself as i do. i literally hate how much weight ive gained and i hav to b so careful because of the medication.

has anyone else been in a similar situation, where they dont want to upset their partner but feel so bad about yurself that you also cant bare it and how the smallest amount of food that u would consider out of the safe amount zone terrifies you and the desire to lose weight is greater than being healthy, i dont want to hurt him he has been thru so much with me and himself but i hurt so bad and feel utter panic and guilt at myself. Im scared because i dont want to hurt him and im scared cos i feel i need to lose weight and not gain.

"i have no idea why this is now in blue colour when earlier it was normal! sorry about that!"

[maddy harper]

i've had anorexia since i was 14 and i'm 28 now and i really really struggle when it comes down to food. its a constant battle isn't it? wish life was much more simple sometimes.... ...