Weird/un-Obvious S/h Self-Punishment, Suicide Techniques Trigger

[Jinxsta]

Triggerrrrrrrrr

Please do not read if you think you could be influenced by my warped mind;

My CPN says that me staying in contact with my ex is a form of self-harm, because I know she will say/do nasty things, i know i will get hurt..

But there's a lot of things I do that people don't know about;

• Starving myself
  
• Doing things that will make me ill
  
• Not taking meds
  
• Chain smoking in the hope it will give me an asthma attack
  
• Doing things that will damage my kidneys further/kill me like drinking lots of alcohol, eating LOADS of salt and calcium, not drinking fluids.
  
• Making myself sleep on the floor with no duvet, pillows etc
  
• Not allowing myself human contact
  
• Making myself stay naked for prolonged periods of time, knowing it reminds me of traumatic events
  
• Sitting in the rain for hours in minimal clothing
  
• Turning all the heating off and wearing minimal clothes when its cold
  
• Using things such as detergents on my genitals, knowing it will cause pain and inflammation
  
• Eating foods im allergic to
  
• Forcing myself to watch heterosexual porn, knowing I will find it triggering and it will gross me out
  
• Not allowing myself to urinate or defecate
  
• Putting myself in dangerous situations
  
• Giving myself "Army" style punishments
  
• Not seeing the doc/going to hospital when ill
  
• Not allowing myself pain meds
  
• Not allowing myself to sleep
  
• Not revealing symptoms to docs
  
• Doing stuff, that is triggering to myself
  
• Taking tablets that are harmful to my health conditions
  

I don't know why I do these things, but I do them regulary . as far as anyone is concerned, apart from the recent incident I do not self-harm or attempt suicide... but i do don't i? its just more sly, more concealed.... really, some of the things are more dangerous/risky than cutting/od'ing .... reading the list above i'm really embarrassed and ashamed i've never told anyone... and well recently its getting worse im doing things all the time... I just dont understand why?... i'm sick :-(

[Christine001]

Hum, are you sure you dont know why, seems to me you are punishing yourself for one, and lots are connected to your abuse.

and I could probably make a list too, so we can both be sick together x

[Jinxsta]

Hi,

Phew, not just me then... although i would rather you wasn't like it. I don't usually actively think "I need punishing" OR "I'm doing this to punish myself" I can only think of a handful of times when I have thought like that, and they have been times when I have done something really bad... some of it's almost like second nature... tend to do it more when I'm depressed or angry... i'm not sure what i'm punishing myself for... I do very often get the voices of abusers egging me on before or when im in the act of something, like "Yeah, that's it carry on you deserve it you fucking *#@/!" etc.

Have you ever been "Caught out"?

xx xx xx

[Jinxsta]

Hum, are you sure you dont know why, seems to me you are punishing yourself for one, and lots are connected to your abuse.

and I could probably make a list too, so we can both be sick together x

OH gawd... I just re-read my post with "Connected to your abuse" in mind... it is massively, that's pretty scary.

xx xx xx

[Christine001]

Hi Jinx,

didnt mean to scar you sorry I was a bit blunt. For me its more directly related to how I feel about myself and somehow I need to show it to myself, and as I feel shit about myself then not caring about myself deliberately is my way of saying you are bad and deserve to suffer..

Re the abuse, I think something so terrible is bound to have to come out in some way. But I am getting too psychological and maybe I should leave this to the professionals.

Just writing down your list and acknowledging it as self harm seems a very positive step to me.

re getting caught, I dont go to A&E if I cut, I hide it all and as I dont soicalise much there's not much chance people finding out.

how are you feeling about things aatm?

[Jinxsta]

Oh its ok, dont worry, I would rather know why i'm doing these things than not know, i'm just surprised I didn't notice the GIGANTIC correlation, feel kinda dumb TBH.. im really into psychology, yet i couldnt see that, maybe its because its myself. And i don't mind you getting psychological..

Yeah I guess that was a positive step, its hard to admit.

I'm pretty pissed off right now about a few things, and feel pretty hurt... i'm scared of myself... the things I do to myself I wouldn't do to my worst enemy, I am now the abuser.

xx xx xx

[Christine001]

victim and abuser, wierd aint it but something shared by more than we think,

[Maddison]

Hunni you are self harming, it isn't sly it is hiding. How do you feel telling us here? Can you talk to your CPN, show her the list? Jinx you know I always have a soft spot for you, please see what a lovely ray of sunshine you are to us here.

[Jinxsta]

i'll have to research this Christine, is there a name for it?

Hey Maiddison,

I feel real embarrassed and worried people will think badly of me, i'm not sure I could tell my cpn the full extent, when i saw her yesterday I told her that at times i have deliberately fucked my kidneys up by not eating or drinking and she said something like "That must have been very hard to admit"... I can't remember if she said anything else.

Your sweet, im not a ray of sunshine lol... thanks.

xx xx xx

[Maddison]

Your CPN knows it is hard for you to talk about, I think that is real positive.

You've no need to feel ashamed, and you are a ray of sunshine to me!

[Christine001]

i dont know re a name for it, it was just something I thought and its about being 2 different parts of ourselves at thhe same time, sh is abuse on our bodies but we are also the person who suffers from the abuse, the victim, dono maybe getting too deep

[Jinxsta]

Awww thanks Maddison :-)

Christine, Its rather odd behaviour isnt it... maybe if person get used of being treated a certain way, there is a void when they are not treated that way, thus part of us has to take over that role... or maybe its just all a person has known, an ache to just feel something familliar....

xx xx xx