jenny1471 Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Hi I have been feeling pretty angry this week.. a mix of things (including time of the month and being mega stressed out at work). But I really felt let down.. neglected.. abandoned by my therapist. We have an agreement that it's ok for me to email her between sessions (she psychodynamic) and she'll reply when she can. Well I emailed and she didn't reply. So after feeling thoroughly abandoned and pissed off, I emailed her a very angry email telling her.. well.. not nice stuff. She has responded with a very polite, nice email saying she really hears my anger at feeling neglected and that we'll talk about it next week. I'm so thankful for her.. she doesn't take things personally, but sees the transference/projection of my painful feelings and is willing to sit with me through them. But at the same time I am wondering if therapy is making me WORSE! I mean, it makes my behaviour worse! I recently didn't see her for 3 weeks as she was away on leave. I was dreading her being away but actually when she was gone I coped FINE! I got on with my life.. I managed my feelings, my behaviours, etc. I was FINE! As soon as she's back I go back to emailing her.. to finding myself in 'crisis'. Although, not 'crisis' in that I feel depressed or suciidal.. but just that I feel this intense need to have contact with her. We talked about this, and it's as though I literally give her all my power! I email her and wait for a response.. so much rides on whether she responds or not that I seem to give away my own power over myself. I wonder if I'd be better without therapy at all.. to not have this intense pain inbetween sessions. But then I also wonder if talking about this with her, working through it all with her, will help. She genuinely seems to get it. She is a good therapist and I just hope that I'm doing the right thing (i.e working through things with her.. not emailing!) x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 so understand (((jenny)) think its so important for us to have SAFE places and people where we can say and feel these things as they just eat away inside us would say more but it wont help you as its all about us xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 What did you want from your Mum when you were growing up, Jenny? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Thank you both. I just wanted to add that I am ok.. realise I sound like I'm crisis or feeling low, but I'm actually ok. And I am not excusing or condoning swearing at people like I did. I am not proud of telling my therapist to f&&& herself.. I will apologise to her as regardless of my feelings, that wasn't right or appropriate. Jasmine, I guess I wanted to feel heard and taken seriously. I needed a safe place to be me and accepted for whatever I did. My mum never hugged me, she wasn't nurturing etc. and if I felt sad my mum would feel MORE sad and take the attention. I know that I'm looking for nurturing from the therapist.. we are working on this together.. working on my attachment issues and the intense pain that I feel when not around the therapist who is kind of being a 'good enough mummy' (as she says). I just hope that the therapy will help.. I realise my past cannot be changed. The damage is done in that I can't go back and change or erase it, but I'm hoping that by working through it with someone who understands transference and attachment, I'll improve. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 I understand how difficult it can be. And, yes, things can improve, but it takes time, and sometimes lots of pain to get through it. But it's worth it, as things can and do shift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Jenny you have the insight and honesty to see your self and your situation, perhaps you are closer to solutions than you imagine? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 have done things like this myself hun, difference is your therapist deals with it really well. sounds like she's good for you and understands your state of mind. when your dragging things up and creating sensitive relationships things are bound to get worse before they get better. ride it out hun you have a lot of insight and you could go far with the therapy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2012 Thank you.. I agree that my insight is probably quite good. Therapist says my 'thinking is good'.. Just need to turn my thinking in to actions when it comes to certain things! X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted November 25, 2012 Report Share Posted November 25, 2012 Your Therapist does sound good Jenny and I think therapists must be used to people swearing at them. I am sure when I see mine next I will probably lose it a little.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted November 25, 2012 Report Share Posted November 25, 2012 have a hug from me jen... hope you can work things out xxx xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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