OrangeLamp Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 Hi folks, It's been a long time since I've felt enough confidence to actually post. Most of you know this is like a second home to me these days and even if I'm feeling good I still linger It's been a hell of a time the last year, it started with me splitting with my gf and then cracking under the pressure of work and realisation of what happened when I was a kid at home with abusive relationships with my dad. Hadn't even realised this stuff had been going on, the rejection problems, detaching from friends and such...to me it was just normal. I've been a complete arse to my friends and those around me because I lashed out when I was scared. Brief stay in a MH unit resulted after a suicide attempt and I lost control because I hadn't slept for days and it ruined me and I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke out and ran around a bit because they weren't listening to me and said I could take a walk and then didn't bother. Very childish, I ended up on a brief nurses section and went back in with my tail between my legs, apologised to the nurse I was a dick to and behaved myself to get out. Stayed at a friends house for a few months later and recovered loads, got into climbing and socializing. Chilled out, eating properly and learned a lot about cooking. Soooooo, I pretty much...was going to say got rid of, but I'm gonna go with soothed the child inside me and was ready to get back to teaching(which I love). Ended up homeless because of money, got stuck and sofa surfed and eventually got help financially for it.(all on top of work). Money got wrecked multiple times because of some stupid paperwork issues... Cracked after a stressful day, it was the straw that broke the camels back really. I couldn't handle it anymore, and feel a bit back to square one. I have felt suicidal but sat here telling myself over and over that it's not really what I want. What I want is someone to give me a hug and tell me it's going to be ok. Sounds silly eh? So I took a week off work and decided, ok I'm going to get this sorted this time. I've got counselling sorted, seen a psych at short notice, two GP appointments and got some support from student support at the university I am doing my masters at. What's funny though is the stress has actually been a LOT less for a while. For the last month or so I've been seeing my GP for appointments because I was beginning to get worried and got referred to the psych. Completely independently of anything going on I'm having big mood swings from being SUPER happy and then later one for no reason CRUSHED in mood and having suicidal thoughts. Psych has provisionally diagnosed me based on my previous notes and whats been going on recently(which apparently suggest the same thing) with bipolar of all things, he wants another opinion before saying it officially and I have that appointment tomorrow. I have been prescribed some mood stabilizers to hopefully tone things down and help me out. So yeah, weird shit eh. I've told my friends I need some time so I don't end up destroying friendships because when I feel low I feel LOW and at the moment I am feeling really good...god it's exhausting. I did question why the hell it's happening now, and apparently it's normal and nothing to worry about because it can be managed. Yeah. Thanks for reading anyway, I do always read and care about you folks but after boundary issues with some members because I have trouble setting boundaries I got hurt and didn't want to expose myself on here emotionally. As always, hoping you're all ok, and if anyone has any issues with me could you please keep them off this thread because I would have trouble handling it at the moment. OL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 no issues just glad you have reached out and glad gp/psych are taking you seriously and trying to help xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 Hunni you've done great, you must have great friends letting you stay and helping you out. Once they dx you and sort out meds this craziness will stop, it does for most. I know a lot of people with bipolar and quite a few on lithium, once they started the treatment their lives just slipped back to normal. You've kept going and that is hard work. I know we aren't "Great" but I wish you well and I hope you benefit from writing this here and letting people hear and support you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 Hi OL, good to see you post, sounds like you have had a really crap time. Bipolar is very containable with meds and there are lots of self help stuff that helps too, which go with your desire for a healthy lifestyle. sorry about the friend stuff x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 Lampielamppppppppppppppppp! I've really missed you, although I haven't been in to chat for months now anyway. But I think of you often and wonder how you're doing. I hope this doesn't sound strange, but it's good to hear what's been going on for you, what you've been through in the past.. present.. and the near future. I am sorry though that things have been difficult. I really hope your appointment tomorrow goes ok and that you get the answers and help that you are needing.. it sounds like you have self awareness.. and it's great that you're able to notice things, and tell your friends what you feel you need. I truly hope they hear you. It takes great courage to take a week off work and put things in place to look after yourself. You could have just as easily spiralled in to a depression and ended up back in the MH unit but I'm hoping that by taking these steps, things can and will improve. Even posting here has been a step forwards.. reaching out for help and support when you haven't felt able to do so for a while now. I don't want to sound patronising, but I'm really proud of you. I wish that life could be simpler so that I could tell you that you've done the hardest thing now, and that things will improve etc. but I guess the truth is things will be 'up and down'.. sometimes feeling hopeless and frustrating etc. as it can seem as though we take one step forwards and two steps back.. but hopefully with insight, support, medication (?) etc things will improve over time. And in those times of not-feeling-good I hope you'll feel able to continue reaching out for help whether it be with your GP, counsellor and/or here. Anyway, I'll stop waffling on now. Needless to say I have missed you and am really rooting for you and your appointment tomorrow. Thinking of you JenBob xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted November 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 Thanks for the positivity Slightly nervous about tomorrow i guess, but moving forward. I'm just wanting to get better I've missed you too JenBob! I know this sounds silly, but something I realised today is what I actually even wanted from anyone when I was feeling really really down. A hug, a bit of time and to be told it's ok. I know I said this above but it's a really important thing for me because I end up spiralling talking to friends and ruminating trying so hard to feel better you know?? When in fact, my friends want to help me feel better, and instead of these chats where I feel like shit for hours and get defensive, get upset and ruminate I think I would prefer it if I asked if I could talk to them on the phone or in person for a hug for 5 minutes or so. I guess sometimes I just need someone like that when I can't help my inner child. Maybe I should tell my friends that I'd rather them not let me just dwell and let myself spiral as much and it'd help much more if they could say they understand, they hear me, it will be ok and then talk about something completely random or normal. Sometimes it's normality that I need I guess. To know the worlds still the same even if it's a huge storm in my head. Just thinking out loud... :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted November 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 I went for my appointment with my really nice doctor I had a long time ago, really felt like I could be honest with her....and still on a bit of a high She agrees with the other psych on the bipolar, apparently I'm due somewhere for a regular set of appointments to support me through, and some medicine which apparently works really well for treatment. Apparently they're keeping an eye on me the next few days for the dip as well. This all feels a tad surreal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 27, 2012 Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 Your outloud thinking is very good.. makes perfect sense and shows great insight. The fact that you know what helps you in those moments of lowness is great. You have an inner child in a lot of pain that needs soothing.. and in the times you're not able to do this for yourself it sounds like it'd help if your friends could help do this by telling you they hear you. And not by being logical etc. It may be good to say this to your friends so they know how to help you. Sometimes people ask me 'how can I help' and I really have no idea which makes it hard for them and for me, but this sounds great. Giving them guidance could be a good thing. And it's not stupid.. I think it's really important to acknowledge and listen to our inner children. It's not stupid. It's actually very wise and brave. I'm really glad that your appointment today went well today and they are keeping an eye on you. It sounds a relief that they are taking you seriously and caring for you.. you deserve that. JB x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted November 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 I'm starting to feel start to feel low again :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 27, 2012 Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 Oh I'm sorry to hear that LampieDo.. is there anything that could help you right now? Are you able to soothe your inner child? Or do anything that will help lift your mood or keep yourself safe? We're here if you want to 'talk' xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted November 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 Thanks JenBob, I should follow topics cos I didn't see the response sorry. I'm feeling worse each hour, have been in tears this morning and last night. No real reason either, it's so tiring ;-; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 Nice to have you around again. But sorry that things have been and are so difficult and unsettled for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 I'm sorry you've been upset Lampie. I really wish things could be bette for you. I guess (and I hate when people say this, but it is true!) things won't always be like this.. things will improve.. feelings change. In the meantime please take good care of yourself though xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted November 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 Thanks Jassy and Jens, Started to feel really bad again today, considering calling someone because it's starting tog et to that stage again. Guh how am I going to manage work on Monday when I am this up and down :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 30, 2012 Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 Oh I'm sorry Please do call someone.. you don't need to suffer alone. I hope going back to work gives you some distraction.. if you don't feel up to it though maybe go back to your GP. Hope you are "ok" xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted November 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2012 THanks Jenbob, had some people from the uni welfare service over twice as they're really concerned for me. Feel like I've gone, I've lost me. I've disappeared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 Lampie xxxxxxxxxxxx Completely understand and hear you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddison Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 Hunni you will come back, sorry you feel so badly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 I glad you have people close by keeping an eye on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted December 2, 2012 Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 Sounds like you're on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster Lampy, you'll come through it, you got amazing strength and insight, just keep holding tight, its a rocky ride. xx xx xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 2, 2012 Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 How's things today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted December 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2012 Thanks for all the support nice peoples really appreciate it I'm feeling ok today thanks jas, meds knocking me out so I got some caffiene pills to keep me awake at work. Just tried one now, we'll see how it goes! I've just been exhausted the last few days and hibernating. More stable but exhausted is the cost, guh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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