Is The Damage Too Extensive To Become Functional.

[successful_workthru]

I am 46 and the youngest of five, born to abusive parents and bullied by all family members. Parents even let siblings bully and crticize me so I grew up thinking I was the 'faulty person'.

I was born to immature parents who already had four kids under the age of four.

Abortion was illegal until the year after I was born.

My parents stunted me, and I always felt like a 'child inside an adults body'. Last year, my mum told me they 'kept me little'.

It was as if my parents wanted me to be this dependent person who accepted all their abuse, which they only inflicted on me to control me, or to take their bad moods out on.

The really disturbing thing was that I never left home until I was 25.

Anyone else in those circumstances would have got out as soon as possible.

My parents physical abuse stopped in my late teens but their emotional abuse went on right up until last year.

It pervasively affected all areas of my life, as in, I had no personal boundaries. I had no clue of what was 'socially acceptable'

I am very poor at handling stress. I am very poor at expressing anger so that I end up going into this bizzare 'mode' where I go mental and physically attack myself, while making weird noises and ''singing wierd songs about whatever is bothering me, not creative, just repeating key words in a repetitive manner'

I cannot manage relationships, becuase I have this deep sense that I don't deserve love, and also, I attract controlling and abusive people.

I have always struggled with friends and only recently have I learnt the true meaning of the word 'friend'.

Although my damage is extensive, I have been chronically overlooked all my life.

I had no self awareness, so I could not tell psych staff what was wrong with me, so I never got a diagnosis, even though I have always felt that something was wrong.

At school, I was hated by many teachers and got bullied. My older sister fought all my battles for me.

My older sister used to bully me and she and my mum used to gang up on me. I remember them doing it when I was eight.

Also, when I was eight, I remember, after school, going into my classroom to collect something, and my older sister was with me.

My teacher launched into a tirade of complaints about me to my sister. This included the fact that she had a class of 42 pupuls to teach, not just me. This happened twice.

My older sister is a bitch, who freely admitted last year that she was a school bully, because she thought that if she didnt bullly the kids, they would bully her.

Her and my mum used to convince me I had a selfish attitude and I believed them.

I moved away in my mid thirties and stopped speaking to my family for seven years (mentioned in another thread)

Two years ago, I had some kind of breakdown and contacted them in tears asking for help.

It's the worst thing I have ever done.

Thankfully my family dont contact me except for xmases and birthdays.

My problem is my future.

I feel that the emotional damage is too extensive for me to heal.

I didn't even know that I had instincts until I was way past my thirties.

The first few decades of my life are wasted because I am not emotionally developed and feel as if there is as much hope of me succeeding in the world, as there is a three year old managing a big company.

There feels like there is too much catching up to do, and I feel doomed.

I feel too vulnerable to exploitation from others because I have been exploited a lot by not only my family but others as well.

I look to the rest of my life and see grimness and loneliness.

I see my life as something I want to erase and start again.

If my life was a computer, I would strip it and re-format the disk and start again from scratch.

[AmyP]

oh hun im so sorry. not sure what to say other than offer you my thoughts and a warm hug xx

[successful_workthru]

The only help I have is a private counsellor who I speak to for half an hour every three weeks, and she gives me an extra 15mins free on top.

We have discussed personal boundaries.

The important thing in the counsellors eyes is that I have to curb my urge to give in to people and I need to start loving myself, not just saying I love myself, but actually doing things which show love and respect for myself. She says I am the most important.

A while back we discussed how abuse only happens if we allow it to.

We also discussed the fact that there was nothing I could do as a child, but once I reached adulthood, late teens, I could have done something, i.e. move out.

I agree that it was my choice to stay with my parents, but I cannot, for the life of me, explain to myself why I stayed.

This is worrying because what other abuse will I put myself though without knowing the reasons why?

I want to tell my counsellor next time that while I allowed my parents to abuse me, I did not make that deliberate choice to allow them. I did try to ask them to speak to me in a civil way, but they just ridiculed me, and often, there was more than one person picking on me, so that convinced me that I was the one at fault, and this is why I was getting shouted at.

Also, last year, my mum said "We're not losing you again".

I haven't phoned my family for over a year, but I have never been able to tell them why I stopped phoning.

I know my family will never admit to any wrongdoing, and that they do not have my interests at heart, but I still feel that it would help me move on if I had told them why I stopped phoning.

Not saying anything just makes me look and feel like a victim who wants more pain.

Although I am not at risk of suicide or harm right now, I often think of ending it all in the future.

I wonder, if I told my parents that I was not thinking straight when I phoned them up 2 years ago, after such a long time away from them, and that thinking about them makes me have suicidal thoughts, would it make them realise that their denial has gone too far, and they maybe in danger of losing me permanently, if they keep disregarding the damage they did to me. Would it wake them up?

If I had bullied someone and they told me that my bullying made them have suicidal thoughts, it would make me sit up and think hard about the consequences of my actions.

[Christine001]

A while back we discussed how abuse only happens if we allow it to. absolute rubbish, rubbissssh

SWT,sorry willcome back and read it but saw a bit, but I dont agree that when we are adults we can get away fromabuse , its a pattern thats very subconcious, you needed love and care, Dont expect your parents to acknowledge their behaviour, they wont even see they were wrong

I really think you need and deserve more therapy than you have, and yes you can function and be happy just takes a lot of owrk xx