Screw. This. Noise: Positive Realisation And The Steps Ahead

[DorianK]

Fuck this.

No more pussyfootin' around. This past evening, I had one of the worst scares of my life. This goes way beyond any previous attempts to ... fulfil my "plan".

For most of us (I won't dare say "all of us"), one of the worst fears is being ignored. Or being shoved away from people we care about. And tonight, I almost pushed my best friend - one of two of my dearest friends I've ever had - away from me. Why? Because I was selfish and thought that she was ignoring me.

And this was the catalyst of what was to be the best "fight' we have ever had. No harsh words. No cussing or swearing. Just realising that our friendship was definitely in peril. It was even stated that I should leave her alone as "this was the route that it was going anyway".

Thankfully, perhaps, because of my bullheadedness and fear of being alone, I asked her one last question: What can I do to salvage this relationship? She replied that I need to do a few things. Suffice it to say that I need help.

This is something that I've known for a long time, but just like many things, it takes something tragic (or near-tragic) to widen my eyes to new possibilities.

That is why, starting tomorrow (well, in a few hours for me, as I'm 5-hours behind), I am doing some hard-core searching for therapists, groups or doctors. I will not settle for second best, and I am going to take this goddamn BPD and make it work for me, instead of against me. I will use the anger and frustration that I get from the little things and focus on getting better. I am going to take these fucking childish feelings that overwhelm me and use them to help me concentrate upon one final goal: Getting my Canadian Ass Better.

Not for her.

Not for my li'l woman.

For me.

And the changes that I make will alter me for the better. I will still be a drama queen. I will still be a premier story teller and yarn spinner. I can still utilize the emotions that I've been so intimately attached with to fuel my writings and speeches. But what I won't do is let those emotions control me.

No. Fucking. More.

I'm tired.

I'm frustrated.

I'm angry.

But not at any one. I feel tired and frustration and anger for the emotions that I get, for what they do to me, and for the things that it does to me.

Internally, I am roaring like a dragon atop a volcano. The sky bristles with electricity as I roar deeply and fiercely. A the thunder-heads coalesce above me, the rain pours down over my scaly form as I stretch my wings. It pours, beads from the heavens cleaning the soot away.

I am cleansed.

I am new.

And woe to any who stand before my destination.