JasmineRose Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 It hurts. I want a hug, I want someone to hold me. I am alone. I am overwhelmed. I am struggling with accepting my personality, with finding any good in it. I almost hate being 'sub-threshold' for pd - like my personality is just, I don't know, I don't know. Moving. Hopefully. But so much to sort. Occupational Health. Work stress and changes. Struggles with relating. Living with myself. Isolation of Christmas. Places I don't feel safe. I feel suicidal, but I am not 'in crisis'. I just, want to GO. It all hurts. My heart feels raw. I have only the duvet and my stuffed toys for comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 I can really empathise jassy, just thought I'd send some hugs. I'm make you a cuppa tea if I could Try self soothing using some cartoons or familiar smells, it might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 Thanks. Am going to do a hot water bottle. Smells is a good idea. Thank you.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 (((((Jasmine)))) hugs from me too xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 ((((jasmine)))) sorry it hurts so much, i hope you are able to self soothe xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 Here's what I do. Roll my duvet up and give it a big hug. It's only one of those Tesco's ones, but it's like a big jellyfish. I have it on my sofa right now and I keep giving it a squidge. I've hugged it that much that it's full of love. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 Thanks everyone. The night was ok. This morning I feel sad. With moments of panicky sad, though as yet not as much as yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 4, 2012 Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 Glad you got through the night but sorry you feel sad today. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted December 4, 2012 Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 Hi Jasmine Sorry I missed this.. Wish I could give you a big hug. Stuffed toys are wonderful though huh.. Not quite the same as a human but at least they don't talk back Hope today is a better day for you. Glad you slept ok X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 Thank you both. I did sleep ok, Jenny. But at the moment no amount of sleep seems to be enough.. I hadn't felt sad in the same achy way at work, however in a more seeking out way, not necessarily appropriate - looking for attention, sympathy, praise, reassurance, all those kind of things. I am trying to criticise myself less, but it is so so hard, there seem so many reasons to have a go at myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 4, 2012 Report Share Posted December 4, 2012 Treat yourself as a little girl and when you feel like criricising, just tell yourself you would not treat a little girl like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted December 5, 2012 Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 (((huge hugs))) xxx xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 Thank you both. I'm really vulnerable right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 5, 2012 Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 Thank you both. I'm really vulnerable right now. Keep posting. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 Thank you for listening and caring. I'm feeling really tired right now, really exhausted and sleepy. I feel insecure about.. everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 5, 2012 Report Share Posted December 5, 2012 Thank you for listening and caring. I'm feeling really tired right now, really exhausted and sleepy. I feel insecure about.. everything. I know that feeling, it's like freefall isn't it? I used to have a lot of dreams where I would be falling off the edge of something, then I started to have dreams where I would fall of the edge of something and into water, and then I would wake up. These dreams were my subconscious's way of manifesting my insecurity. Hug that little girl, even if it's only with your mental sense of touch. I hug my duvet, cos it's really squidgy and so fat that I don't need a cuddly toy, I can just hug my duvet while it covers me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Thank you. I dreamed last night of tsunami like waves breaking over my bed, well, my childhood bed. Periodically I dream of these huge waves and yet every time I survive them, am practically untouched by them. It's weird. I feel so so tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Thank you. I dreamed last night of tsunami like waves breaking over my bed, well, my childhood bed. Periodically I dream of these huge waves and yet every time I survive them, am practically untouched by them. It's weird. I feel so so tired. Your subconscious is providing you with a symbolic reflection of what is going on inside, and what changes you need to make in your life. Dream meanings are different for each person, but we can get to know the language of our personal subconscious if we allow it free reign, or keep a dream diary. I feel like I am close to the edge with no safety net, and that is why I kept falling over the edge and into the water. The dream is telling me that I need to feel more secure in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Thank you. At work this afternoon I just wanted to run away and just cry on my own. I couldn't, but I feel more deeply sad than I have done for a long time and it feels so raw and sore and painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 ((((jasmine rose)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 Thank you so much, that means such a lot. My chest aches so so much, emotionally. I know why, just, it seems near on unbearable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 ((jasmine rose)) I'm so sorry you feel like this x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 7, 2012 Report Share Posted December 7, 2012 Thank you. At work this afternoon I just wanted to run away and just cry on my own. I couldn't, but I feel more deeply sad than I have done for a long time and it feels so raw and sore and painful. I'm sorry. It sounds like you need to have some time off work to relax. Have you any leave or can you get your doctor to sign you off for a while till you feel better able to work without distress? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted December 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2012 Thank you. s_w, I can't really take time off due to home not being conducive to rest. But it will hopefully be over Christmas, and I have a few days off then. All I want to do right now is hide away in bed. But I need to find a balance between accepting and being with the depression, and having my life more fully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 7, 2012 Report Share Posted December 7, 2012 Thank you. s_w, I can't really take time off due to home not being conducive to rest. But it will hopefully be over Christmas, and I have a few days off then. All I want to do right now is hide away in bed. But I need to find a balance between accepting and being with the depression, and having my life more fully. hugs x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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