Feeling Abandoned

[AppleCrumble]

Not in particular by anyone. Nothing is ending, as nothing really started in the first place. CMHT discharged me back to GP as I expected them to, but then I guess on Wednesday the psychotherapist will say I'm not suitable as I can't open up. My partner is a sack of potatoes, I want to chuck him out - to have my own space so I can work through things myself. I'm sick of playing ball in this life to please everyone else.

I just wish someone cared. If I knew that my partner seemed a little upset, has a history of overdosing, then I'd look at her phone, look for evidence of what she was thinking, browser history, read those letters from the assessments etc, and hide all the bloody stashed pills - but no, he doesn't even do that. I can't decide if he's just too bloody thick, or if he just doesn't care, I'm not his bloody problem. I'm so fucking sick of it all. I wonder if he'll leave me, or if he'll just put up with me.

Wish someone in 'real life' cared. Wish I was wanted enough to be able to have affairs, or to just have someone who wouldn't go into hysterics (like my mother) to actually show she gave a damn - who wasnt too close to the situation. I really cant talk to anyone at work, or who is listed under 'friends' as they all gave us wedding presents, and they'll think it was all a scam. I can't believe I went through with the bloody wedding. What a disaster. 'how's married life' 'how was the wedding' 'did you enjoy your honeymoon' - it was all frigging fake, it was all shit, it was horrible, I hate it now!!! I'm so fed up!! I'm screaming and no one is listening.

I know I'm no one elses responsibility, I can't blame MH services, or anyone. It's up to me to sort myself out... I just don't know how to die, I'm crap at it - it's too cold outside, I don't seem to have the means to do so when I'm so angry and in need of doing it. spending the weekend doing bloody community work for family friends, and then work next week, then god forbid it, it's christmas socialising for a whole bloody week, well, almost. no internet access, no tv... hellish. i feel so alone. i cant say i dont know how im gonna get through the next few weeks, it's a matter of not being able to die, not having the willpower, i wish i did. im just going to have to get through the next few weeks, and the next ones, and the next... as bloody always. stupid pointless round in circles life - trying to fake it, and not wind anyone up, not cause arguements, not quit things that...i dont know why i dont quit things... i suppose i need money... wish i knew why i couldnt quit things...dont want to let people down, inside i dont care, im scared of other people caring, and getting me in trouble for it. going to a friends mid january for a few days too - gonna have to fake it again there... :-( so fed up, i want to cut, but i cant, because i know i dont have to do it, im not addicted any more... it just doesnt seem like a secret any more, it isnt private, i want something that's mine, that no one else knows about. i need a secret i think... dont knwo what though...

sorry for rambling... doubt anyone will read it anyone, which will make me feel worse, but who cares eh :-(

[Lily-Bee]

I read it.Im here. Why not take some time to try to relax and listen to what your gut tells you would be wise for you on making you feel better?

[Tan19]

I read it too, I can relate to those feelings a lot

I think you know what you need to do or what makes you feel better, for example the situation with your husband seems to be draining a lot of your energy.

Maybe take some time away from that to think about what you need and want fom life.

Dint feel like your trapped there forever in a unhappy cycle, it can be broken x

[artemis84]

I read it as well. Sending hugs your way

I am sorry you feel this way, if only there was an easy answer.

It sounds to me like you have or are reaching burnout where there seems little point in doing anything. But like Tan says, you don't and won't have to feel like this forever, things change and if you can figure out how you want them to change (being realistic) and can influence that then all the better.

I know how you feel about being sick of faking everything to everyone, make sure you find some time, even in the short term, for yourself where you allow yourself to feel the emotions that are really there.