Unwanted Thoughts

[Blessthischick]

Hello,

I really don't know what to say...I'm actually crying and shaking writing this, I haven't told anyone not even my psychologist of 1-2 years. I need to tell somebody though as it is effecting me much more than normal, not that it doesn't effect me, but I feel more in control of it, if this makes any sense!?

I have these horrid, evil and plain right disgusting thoughts sometimes and have done since I was a teenager (I used to call it my 'bad man' voice) and I have never wanted them, but I can't stop. I try and talk to them and say "No, why would I do this?" and then I get scared I am some evil person and I need to die or to be locked away. For example, please don't think bad of me as if I just catch my cat's fluffy tail I panic and worry I have hurt her and then I end up wondering if I am going to end up as some kind of murderer as I remember the horrible thoughts I have such as 'I could strangle you right now' (and the very same thought can happen as I am stroking the cat and going "You are so beautiful, aw aren't you cute...etc" and within a millisecond in my head I almost talk to myself and go "What! I love my cat and would never do that". What is wrong with me? Am I a bad person? Because then, I will kill myself before I hurt anyone or lock myself away. I just need to know. I want children someday but can't trust myself, with these terrible thoughts in my head, despite people telling me I would be a good mum, but they don't know these thoughts I have? Should I tell my psychologist? I was on citalopram because I have social anxiety and depression and well, I don't know why I forget my medicines and almost snobbish in regards to anti-depressants as in I rather talk it out then rely on medicines?

Sorry, for all of this I am crying tonnes and the more I cry the more I want to say. The monster is unleashed, haha (sorry, trying to be light hearted). I was sexually abused at 15 and raped on my 16th birthday by my ex and when I hmm you know 'please myself' it is all kinds of wrong! I think of being raped, being a young/underage girl and being raped and held against my will and more...I don't like it and want it to go away.

Sorry again for all this, please know I would never and have NEVER acted on these thoughts, I just needed an outlet and some advice. Sorry, for the rambling post I get nervous of social interaction even on forums, as I imagine others do...But, I don't want you to think I'm some unintelligible fool.

[ruffryder]

hi bless im sorry for your pain it sounds like you are having a bad time. try to remember that they are just thought they dont realy mean anything, my t always gets us to walk around the room whilst clicking your fingers and saying over and over again `just because i think it, dosent make it true` maybe give it a go might not work strait away but you will train your brain to belive it. as for when you pleasure yourself, i myself have not been sexually abused not to my knowledge anyway. but i used to imagine myself getting raped and abused by other men but im not gay so it is very disstressing. i noticed that all the painfull emotions i was feeling instead of feeling it i pushed it down and it manifested into this dark uncontrolable arousal i still feel it sometimes but am able to work round it a bit easier now. i hope things get better for you and sorry if this is no help to you

[Crocus]

I believe a lot of us have similar thought processes, I know I do, I too often feel like I am a bad person and I get the same as you about masturbation (was raised in a religion where we were taught it was bad) and I find that I feel I am bad when I have sex too (even though I'm married and love my husband and can still enjoy it to a degree). I've made many posts similar to yours in the past though where I can't cope with the thoughts that are in my head, and sometimes voices too. I was also abused as a child and raped in adulthood too so there might be some link there. I also have images of being raped and abused and have often tried to act them out with my previous partners although I know this is unhealthy.

I would agree with the above poster about trying exercises to help distract from the thoughts or recognise that they are thoughts not actions, although I know this is difficult to do and not a permanent solution. I think it would be good to talk to a therapist about the thoughts so you can perhaps discover the root cause and deal with that as it might help longer term.

((((((hugs)))))

[ILostHer]

I have a large fish tank and I love my fish, I panic about them being ill all the time so I would want no harm to come to them but if I walk past the tank with a hammer or a glass I have the urge to smash it. I have disgusting thoughts too, evil thoughts etc.

They are unwanted thoughts, the opposite of what we would want or desire. Even people that are well get them but they pay no attention to them so they get them less. I bet if you told your psychologist he/she would say that they have unwanted thoughts. Its normal, we just have to try not to pay them the attention they want.x