Am I Being Used?

[artemis84]

Does this happen to other people?

I am caught between feeling very angry towards a ‘friend’ right now and also between punishing myself for being such a nasty person for thinking of them in this way.

Basically I have received a text today from a friend I have not heard from for about a week telling me how bad things are for her today (after a specific event) and how she is struggling not to sh.

Aside from the usual issues of having friends who also have mh difficulties and the drain it can become trying to deal with them alongside having to manage your own problems, this is causing me massive stress tonight. Normally I would respond in a supportive way and try and help her not over-react or do anything she might regret. However, the last time she texted me last week, when she asked how I was I truthfully told her I was really struggling. After this I got silence and no further correspondence until today (usually she texts every couple of days or so).

So, at the time when I needed support she was quiet and now she needs help she expects it from me. I know a good person wouldn’t question this and would just try and be supportive but I feel hurt that a) she abandoned me when she knew I was feeling bad and b )that she’s only contacting me now because she needs something herself.

Am I truly bad for thinking this way or am I even slightly justified?

I guess I’ll just end up responding as I normally would – ‘do as you would be done by’ and all that but any other views would be much appreciated.

[Saharah Blue]

Sometimes we connect with people who are not really capable of being supportive in return. Usually this is because the person lacks the skills to know how to be supportive to others or particular supportive to specific needs.

I have a few friends who I don't need as much support from as much as they make me smile or laugh or let me act like a kid. So the relationship retains a sense of value for me.

It doesn't sound like her intention is to make you feel used, however if you find it too draining or if you are not able to put the relationship at arms length when you need to, then it sounds like it isn't balanced enough to keep growing in a healthy direction.

Often people vent about their frustration with others instead of assertively communicating with the person they feel conflicted about. I definitely, feel like I do that when I am afraid of a conflict coming on.

[donnam]

i have some friends who i met in hosp and are quite needy, to the point of wanting to meet up more than i feel up to etc, when they text to much i have to take a step back like the other day she said can she ring me (i dont do phones i text) so i ignored the message, then she asked if her phone wasnt working cos i didnt reply! at the same time i was having carol concerts for my daughter, school play for my son and been told by my mum that she thinks my nanna would die before xmas. so was trying to stay onto off my life and was not up to the paranoid texts i get. so i replied a day later explaining all that was going on in my life, think she then realised that i had a lot on, its less than 3 month since i came out of hosp and hand to keep myself safe.

its hard having other firends with mh probs, i have meet some really good friends on here who understand and we text each other reguraly offering each other.support. maybe just give a reply like "hope u feel better soon"

[Kitsune]

I don't think you're overreacting or horrible for thinking this, it's normal to want support when you give it seeing as all relationships are about give and take. Is this a regular occurence with her? Or is it just a one off? Because if she's generally supportive then perhaps it's just a blip and she was overwhelmed with her worries and unintentionally left you feeling neglected? If it's a regular thing perhaps, if you feel like it, you could bring it up in a mild yet assertive way that way you have a chance at a better friendship.

Do you regularly feel 'used' by her? Because while her feelings and intentions are important it's very important to note if a friend regularly makes you feel more negative than positive than it's something to examine.

[artemis84]

Thank you all for your rational and thoughtful replies.

I think you all raised points I need to think about and in fact have thought about in the past regarding this same person.

I don't think she is intentionally being thoughtless or knowingly 'using' me but it does bother me that this isn't the first time I have been in this situation with her.

SaharaBlue - you're right in saying that not all friends offer the same things and nor do I expect them to; I too get something from the friends I have who I share light-hearted stuff and have fun with but this particular friendship doesn't really provide that. That's fine but as you say, does it really provide anything in a balanced way? I am starting to wonder.

Kitsune, you too raised this good question and yes, I would have to say I do regularly feel 'used' by her.

The thing is although we met in real life and not even through our mental health issues at all, now the relationship is pretty much all done by text and only really focuses on mh. I would say we meet up roughly every 6 months. This too though is a contentious issue with me; she will often say that it would be great to meet up and sometimes will even go as far as to take part in making arrangements to do so but then 99% of the time will pull out at some point - usually at the last minute. This, without fail, then leaves me feeling unwanted, uncared for and hated, even though I know it is almost inevitable. I get this feeling with everyone and dealing with being let down and disappointed is something that I need to work on as it has huge implications on my wellbeing but because she now knows my history and my issues I feel even worse when she does something to hurt me (even if unintentionally) because I feel she must know how bad it's going to make me feel and then does it anyway which proves I am worthless.

Cadance - I did eventually reply in a fairly unemotional way much as you suggested but it was generally supportive. I did get a response from her where in the final sentence she asked how I was but my comment back was then ignored.

I am feeling particularly drained and under emotional pressure at the moment due to my circumstances so maybe that is why I am feeling particularly used right now, I don't know. I think I probably do need to decide whether I am thinking of my own needs in this relationship as well as hers but every time I start to consider this I feel guilty and like I am betraying her - exactly what I feel people are doing to me. Also, roughly 6 months ago, I hit a really low point and was in crisis. I tried calling several people but no-one answered. She had sent me a text that day so I replied saying I was struggling and to cut a long story short she came out and found me in the middle of a park where I was fully intending spending the night alone and desperate. Because of this I feel I owe her and this is what I think every time I consider that maybe the friendship isn't good for me - I owe her and therefore should always put her needs before mine.

Arrrghh!!

[Jinxsta]

Hi,

I've felt t his many times about people and get myself fairly wound up about it, I think even "Good" people would feel or think something similar they just wouldn't necessarily admit it. Reading the replies to this thread has helped me think of some of my relationships a bit differently.

xx xx xx