Eagleheart Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 I know i am not important.Believe me,i know it. But why am i so easily forgotten? Has one single person wondered if i am okay? I've been having terrifying nightmares pretty much every night.Lack of sleep causes me to lose the plot,i hear voices and see dark spirits flying around my head. This makes me extremely agitated and i self-harm.. Yeah,so,all of the above is ongoing.Still-who gives a shit? NO ANSWER REQUIRED. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 No answer may be required, but I'd like to if you don't mind? Sorry if I cause offense. I'm really sorry your having such bad nightmares, I have disturbing ones occasionally, but not that bad. Do you have any particular methods to deal with them? You are in no way easily forgotten, there are many people on this forum who really value you and you are so very important to them. I'm sure you are like family to some people here and I'm willing to bet you have saved more than a few of them from dire times. People do give a shit, I give a shit and loads of others so. I really am sorry you feel this way and I wish I could help more. Once again, I'm sorry if I caused offense but I couldn't let it go unanswered. I really wish you can have a wonderful, restful nights sleep with pleasant dreams. Thinking of you. Ash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 I know i am not important.Believe me,i know it. But why am i so easily forgotten? Has one single person wondered if i am okay? I've been having terrifying nightmares pretty much every night.Lack of sleep causes me to lose the plot,i hear voices and see dark spirits flying around my head. This makes me extremely agitated and i self-harm.. Yeah,so,all of the above is ongoing.Still-who gives a shit? NO ANSWER REQUIRED. I hope you don't mind me answering your post, but it resonates with me also as I share some of the experiences described. Every human being is important, by virtue of being born. Other people con us into thinking we are not important, and they do this when we are kids, as kids take everything in like sponges, and do not have the emotoinal capacity to realise that when an adult says mean things to them, it is purely because the adult feels bad, and nothing to do with the child. For instance, I grew up believing that my mum and dad's stress was down to me, and that they had more important things to do with their lives like work and take care of the rest of the family. Only as an adult did I realise that my two parents both are very emotionally immature, because thier growth was stunted by their own experiences of abuse and trauma. These wounds made my folks feel bad and the only way they knew how to make them selves feel better for a short time was to put children down and treat them mean. This shows how desperate they were. I now feel much better about myself. i have always had this sense of being overlooked in life. For instance, I was convinced I had a personality disorder and yet I could not get a diagnosis. Therefore I felt left to suffer the synptoms of a PD without ever having the treatment that I thought would help. I was denied DBT as I had no BPD diagnosis. I seem to get overlooked when there is a party, but, thinking about it, social invites started to dry up when I gave up alcohol three years ago. I beleive these things happen because I expect them to. Notice how things always go wrong when we are feeling down? and also, notice that when we stop 'being bothered about' something which we cannot have, for whatever reason, we seem to get it? I found that I got invites from non drinker friends who I met elsewhere. Nightmares are nasty (((eagleheart))) but, they provide rich material for getting to know ourselves. Our nightmares are always representative of something that is bothering us, whether we are aware, in waking life, of what it is or not. I had a series of dreams where I was hanging on the edge of something, a cliff etc, and then I had dreams that I actually lost my grip and fell, and I usually dreamt that I fell into water. The fact that I was not killed or injured in my dream suggests that I was worried that I was going to 'go over the edge', but my dreams told me to relinquish that tight grip because all was well. Dreams are metaphors and each persons symbolism is personal. The best thing to do with nightmares is either to draw them or write them out, in other words, give your subconscious free expression, because this releases things trapped there that make our life miserable, i.e. fears we are not aware of. I also self harm when agitated and I think that releasing pressure by expressing yourself will help you enormously. I sense that you have low self esteem. The most important thing when expressing yourself is being your own mother or kind aunt. Treat yourself like a frightened little child who has come to you for help. Remembering this stops you getting agitated with yourself and self harming. This is because you would not express your agitation in this way to a small frightened child. Seeing yourself as a small frightened child also makes it easier for the subconscious to reveal itself, because if we think lowly of ourselves, our 'frightened little child' is going to retreat further and not reveal to us, parts of our subconscious that is ready for healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 i have wondered if ppl have forgotten me when i have not been around for a while but i am learning to accept that not everyone knows me, some know me but not v well, and others i am friendly with and keep contact via text, i am sure ppl have noticed u have not been around and care about how u are but maybe just dont post about not seeing u in a while Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 can relate to how you feel, think we've all felt forgotten at one point or another. not forgotten xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 The people who are important for you will remember you, those that don't then they either may not matter that much or they are currently dealing with stuff on their plate. I'm sure there are many people you have yet to meet who will care for you nd think you're important in time. Feeling forgotten is understandable and can be quite common, especially if there are difficulties with things like depression and a need to withdraw for periods of time to rest. *hugs* hope you feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 i'd wondered how you were eagle glad to see you around again keep posting here if it helps pm me any time, i will answer i promis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 (((Eagleheart))) You are important and special.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 I agree with everyone here Eagle you're important. Sorry I haven't been here or around as much for you.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2012 As usual,i am humbled by the replies i've had.I am sorry if i am coming across as a moody kid.I don't understand why i am feeling so bad.All my nightmares are along the same theme.I am always in a public place,with my life under threat.In the first nightmare,i was outside a building when a guy started firing at people randomly.I was lying on the ground and people were falling like flies.,Then the gun was trained on me and i was about to die.No possible escape.The fear was paralysing.I woke up before i died. In another nightmare,i was in a group of people taken hostage.The guy picked me out of the crowd and told me if i shot an old lady in the head and killed her,then everyone else would be released.The emotional pressure was overwhelming.The choice between murdering 1 person and saving everyone,or refusing to do it and condemning us all.Horrible,just horrible.The agitation caused by that particular dream persisted all day,ending only when i SH'd If anyone can offer some kind of explanation of my dreams,please share your thoughts.Is it all part of losing my mother? I am anxious about going to bed at night now.I want to stop being dogged by FEAR.It has had too big a hold over me for too long.Thanks for taking time to read & comment.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted December 31, 2012 Report Share Posted December 31, 2012 I'm in no way qualified to analyse dreams, but if losing your mother was a massive thing to you (why am I even asking that, of course it was) then it could be a big influence to. Have you been bullied at all? Or had to face any big ultimatums? Understanding what causes the nightmares and treating those may reduce or remove the nightmares. Also, a quick google search brought up several lists which might help, even if it's just improving your sleep which may reduce them. You seem to have a pretty good recollection of your nightmares, but have you ever kept a dream journal? It may help you look more closely at them and might be useful if you get professional help. Anyway, I hope you can get some good sleep and I really hope the nightmares go away. Take care of yourself ((Eagleheart)) Also, that is one hell of an awesome tattoo! Does it have a meaning? Ash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted December 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2012 Gandalftheginge- Thanks for the input.I usually instantly forget my dreams as soon as i wake up.I think that's why the recent ones are freaking me out so much,because they linger. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother.She was a narcissistic mother and neglected and mistreated me,so i have been disturbed by my reaction to her death.I though i would just feel relief,but instead,i miss her intensely.What a mind fuck that is! My tattoo is significant to me because the eagle is my "spirit-creature". If/when i am re-born,i will come back as an eagle. I hope.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted December 31, 2012 Report Share Posted December 31, 2012 Gandalftheginge- Thanks for the input.I usually instantly forget my dreams as soon as i wake up.I think that's why the recent ones are freaking me out so much,because they linger. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother.She was a narcissistic mother and neglected and mistreated me,so i have been disturbed by my reaction to her death.I though i would just feel relief,but instead,i miss her intensely.What a mind fuck that is! My tattoo is significant to me because the eagle is my "spirit-creature". If/when i am re-born,i will come back as an eagle. I hope.xxx Hi Eagleheart I am sorry you are missing your mother, it must be really painful. I hope that this post is as sensitivly written as possible, because I don't want to trigger you. I just thought that if I shared my experiences with my own mother, it may benefit you, because even though I am 46 years of age, I have only just realised that my mother's behaviour towards me was very narcissistic in some places. Reading the experiences of other women on a forum for people with narcissistic mothers helped me move through my pain, as thier experiences gave me validation, because I never knew of anyone who had a relationship like mine and my mums. If this misses the mark, please tell me, cos I would not want to upset you, and, being a fellow member with a narcissistic behaved mother, I can learn from you too. I just can't imagine missing my mum, I can still hear her in my head yelling. I am not dissing your feelings though. My mum has not yet died in body, so I cannot comment on how I will feel when she is no longer physically alive. My mum was very emotionally destructive to me, and although she is alive and I would not want her to suffer any pain, because of the way she treated me, it feels like she died long ago, because there is, and has never been any genuine love from her, only hatred. I went through a painful period where I was very bitter and resentful towards my mum, for the effect her treatment of me has had on me and the difficulties I have had in my life, that I would never have had if I had not been subject to mum's abuse. I always felt bad about the fact that I felt my mum was dead to me. It felt somehow wrong. I thought everyone should love their mother, but I just could not feel it. It wasn't until I read of other people who had gone through similar experiences with their mother, that I realised that what I was feeling was normal. I don't miss my mother, but I miss having a mother. I miss the nurturance and guidance I should have got but never. I have allowed myself to mourn and grieve over her, and been my own mother. Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that I never really had a mother, and for the first time ever, I don't feel bad that I have these feelings, because my feelings are a response to my perceptions and experiences and are therefore valid. I no longer feel a wicked witch for having these feelings, becauase they are the normal response to abuse. Sadly, none of the other family members acknowledged my bad experiences, as they are too scared to face up to the fact. They are very mainstream conventional people and appearing like a happy family is vitally important to them. Nobody is looking at the elephant in the living room, so I am alone, but now that I have acknowledged the truth about my mother, I am no longer vulnerable to her and she can no longer hurt me, because any further negativity from her, will just tell me what I already know, and that is, I was dealt a bad hand when it came to parents, but it's the hand I have got to play, and I have to move on with my life, and find new people to love and respect me, and leave my family behind. It's very sad, but I have accepted it and now that these abusive people are out of my life, I can go ahead and choose other people to love me in a way my family were not capable of. I hope as a daughter of a nacissist, that you can get something good out of my post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2013 S_W. Both posts you have made have been very helpful.You seem to totally understand my feelings re my mother.My state of mind has really deteriorated since she died and it distresses me that i miss her.She was horrible to me in life.My husband can testify to that.He got so furious with her many a time and wanted to confront her about it.But i always stopped him,because i knew no one was allowed to criticise her.EVER. I think i am feeling role-less.Because when she was alive,i had a very definite role,even if it was just the role of doormat.I knew my job.I was there to soak up all the hate and venom she threw at me.That role no longer exists and i don't know what i'm here for anymore.Because she dominated me emotionally,and wad a very prominent feature of my life,i just feel.....well,not needed.Fuck,it's all so screwed up.I need to move on.But how? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted January 1, 2013 Report Share Posted January 1, 2013 Hi Eagleheart. Thank you. I guess it's a case of "It takes one to know one" as in it takes a daughter of a badly behaved mother to know another daughter of a badly behaved mother. I'm so sorry to hear that your state of mind has deteriorated since your mothers death. Have you tried writing out your feelings on this. This will get it out on paper and out of your head. It feels like you are talking to someone who understands. Allow yourself to express your grief and don't block out any crying. This releases emotion. I went through a stage of crying because of the pain my mum caused me. Letting myself cry really helped. Mums are mean to their children when they have lost the motherly instinct through damage of their own. This is also why they cannot stand to be criticized. Your real role is to take care of your self first, that is the most important thing. Grief is a process that we have to allow ourselves to go through, then we can move on. Do you have a care co-ordinator that you can talk to, or a T? It's also great that you are posting here, because that also helps. hugs x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2013 Thanks so much S_W. Yet again you have given advice and compassion and i feel understood. I don't feel able to share much just now.Very low from too many bad nights. Hope you are feeling okay. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted January 3, 2013 Report Share Posted January 3, 2013 Thanks so much S_W. Yet again you have given advice and compassion and i feel understood. I don't feel able to share much just now.Very low from too many bad nights. Hope you are feeling okay. xxx Hi, yes thanks I am. Sorry you are feeling low and I hope you feel better real soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebellgirl Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 I really feel for you re the nightmares.. i have nightmares every night and they all around being tortured and being about to die. since my medical ptsd that are now about medical torture, but ive suffered with chronic nightmares since i was a child. It's such a hard thing to sort out cos its not like we can controll our dreams! I guess it is fears that are on our plate coming out in the subconcious and also truma being relived . I hope yours melt into good dreams soon xx bluebell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Dream diaries are excellent things for working through nightmares. So long as we treat ourselves with the greatest of respect while we work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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