Advice Please?

[BeaBee]

I'm new to this place and I find it hard to reply to people, I worry because I don't know anyone it may seem what I have to say is silly or worse upsetting. I'm not writing this so people can say I won't do that, I would really appreciate some ideas of how to support people here. I suppose I want to know what a good response is, I feel a little funny asking this.

B

[EmilyStrange]

"Say what you mean, mean what you say"....

You could respond by relating with some of your own experiences... how you coped - or your own struggles.

[lonelyheartemma]

Hi Beabee, I know its hard, I have trouble believing I can say anything that would be helpful for anyone.

But when I ask for advice and I get replies that aren't really helpful I don't think of it as silly. They still took the trouble to write something and I apreciate that. There are so many people on this site and their situations change all the time so very few people get it right all the time. Knowing that people care enough to write something is a really lovely feeling. I sometimes just get posts just saying 'hugs' and even that is really nice, its not often people want to hug me.

Sadly sometimes we do upset each other. Its no one's fault, sadly its something that happens when a lot of sensitive people are together. But I am upset on here far less often than I am in real life, everyone is understanding, even if someone gets something wrong it doesn't change the fact they wanted to help.

I talk about my own experiences a lot like Emily said.

I try to refer to as many points as possible in there post. If nothing else they will know I read it all.

If you don't know what to write you can still give hugs or tell the person you have 'heard' them.

If you don't feel ready to jump in with the more serious posts you can always start off by replying to the threads in General and Good Day, then you can help with simpler problems which will hopefully help you get to know people and feel more confident abiut posting in other threads.

Also read the kinds of things other people write, we are all different but maybe you can find someone with a similar helping style than you?

[BeaBee]

Thanks for the advice it is very helpful.

B

[ArtMatters]

you responded to one of my posts and honestly sometimes it isn't even what people say it's the fact they are there listening that matters.

I was happy that you were just listening to be honest

[ArtMatters]

Also I dunno if this helps but sometimes I attend a queer womens group and our standard rules for that are basically this:

this is an open accepting space

what we discuss here stays here, specifically in terms of names and confidentiality issues (that kind of applies less to more anonymous interactions like this but still worh noting)

sometimes it can be more helpful to speak from personal experience rather than give advice: i.e. I have found that for me...... as opposed to: you should do this... {this can apply a lot to talking to people with bpd related issues because a lot of the time people are seeking validation rather than advice necessarily in some cases}

On a similar note- try not to invalidate anyones experience

try not to use harmful language (and by this I don't mean swearing...but like all the isms etc.....or maybe even swearing if it was in a harsh way or a way someone was sensitive to)

etc

those are the basics I think

[BeaBee]

Thanks ArtMatters that is good advice. I know when I've had a type of preachy reply (not on this site) I've just felt annoyed but guilty as I know it isn't meant to upset me. Like you've said we want to be heard not told off!

B

[Threemoons]

Hey, you were the first one to reply to my topic today and you seem to have naturally found the exact words I needed. Polite and open-minded answer, with honest thoughts from what you know and experienced yourself, that's it! Don't worry, you don't sound silly at all. I like what's already been answered to you here.

[bena.baby]

I think what Emma says is exactly right. I always appreciate any reply, as long as it is polite and sensitive, even if it is not exactly what I need.

I think most of us have some reservations about posting: I've been here a long time and I still feel nervous about posting sometimes, so you're not alone in feeling like that.

[Saharah Blue]

hugs are always good in my books

[BeaBee]

Thanks I feel more confident now and I do make sure I read at least twice so I don't miss anything. Threemoons I am happy my response was appropriate.

B