LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 I watch this show in the US called "Starting Over" so if any of you Americans have nothing better to do around noon or where ever you are in the US you may want to watch it. Its a show about women who move into this house to overcome their problems. They have life coaches and a therapist to help support them along with their roommates. It makes me cry all the time because its quite inspirational some of the stories of the housemates. I would actually like to go to the house but I am not feeling having my life broadcasted across America. Anyways, one of the housemates has problems showing affection or receiving affection because if she breaks down she fears people will leave her. Well, her assignment was to show and receive affection to her housemates. It made me think of my own problems with being able to show affection in a non-sexual way. Does anyone else have trouble showing affection and why? Emmaxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 I do have a problem wth affection. But otquite like that. I either want undying - unendin affection from the one I love, or I don't want to be touched. Therefore I cringe at the thought of a "pat on the back" from a boss ora peer. I don't sake hands often. I don't do the hand on the shoulder thing. Touching is too intimte for me to share casually.Hugs in group is different. I usually rust group members. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CathE Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 i'm kinda like bryan. i cant get enough or give enough affection when its that particular person. but otherwise, nah get off me. i've really noticed since i've lived at home with my family how much i avoid hugs or physical affection. not that it was freely given when i was a kid so its confusing that its there now. my sister is cuddly with mum and dad, while i barely make eye contact most of the time and feel totally uncomfortable if they touch me.people in general, i dont like touching me. with my close friends, i'll hug them, but only because its kind of expected i think.even my friends kids who i adore, i would prefer not to be sooo affectionate, i've noticed myself getting impatient with the 6 year old for not respecting my space and climbing on me or cuddling me waaay more than i'd like.but i dont know why.Cath. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 I find it hard to give pysical effection. with hubby i dont like him hugging me because i dont like him touching my fat body and im like a iceberg.This all came about while ago, all to do with my parents i guessverbal effection i have prob with just now again its to do with my parents. What is love? all the stuff my parents gave me? i know hubby tries but i find it hard to let it in..there you go thats my pennyworthim working on it though! i have set backs and resort to being angry instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Wow-Cathe and BB I completely understand. Cathe-I remember when I was younger my sister running up to family members and my parents friends and jumping all over them hugging and kissing them and I would not go near them. My parents never showed me affection and I would not let my father or any men go near me. My mother's side of the family are affectionate and when I went back to the UK last they could not understand why I cringed when they hugged me or I could not hug them back. A few months ago I was crying in the car and my dad put his hand on my arm and I freaked! I can hug my friend who I have known for ten years without feeling weird. I hug a few of my professors and some others usually of higher authority without feeling weird but I do not hug people they hug me. If a friend just hugged me though I would accept it but I would not really reciprocate it. Interesting discussion-I would like to change this its a huge topic in my therapy. I am really not sure how and where to start but I have to start learning how to hug. Affection is intimate and the people you are intimate with whether its romantic or a friendship it means 'letting them in' and its hard when you have a huge fear of abandonment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 well its funny how you started this thread because my therapist told me on wed that i need to start to think about affection, then start to apply it i guess.so maybe once a day after me thinking about it for a while.. hmm not sure about that yet lol but say once i day im to hug hubby and think what feelings it brings me and try to change it to what its supposed to be if you understand.so as you said its about letting people in, i guess we just need to learn to do that and trust the person.. thats the other issue of affection is trust and letting somone in.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 I love to trust people and be close to people but when they get too close I get scared. I guess I should have explained that to my friend without telling her I was not giving her a hug. Maybe when I see her next I will hug her. What type of feelings do you experiencing when being affectionate with someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillsusan Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 I can't bear physical contact especially off women. I have to really really feel safe and trust someone before I can stand soemthing as simple as a hand on my arm - hugs are out completely unless with my husband or with kids. Kids are safe, adults arent. Thats the way I think. Hmmmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 I understand what you are saying Susan. I even have that problem with kids. I never could really hug my neice but my T said I have to break that pattern because that is how my mother was to me so now I hug my neice or the other kids I know. I do not feel weird about doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 yeah i totaly understand susan the feeling i get when hugged is cold, no emotion of feeling good, totaly detachment, arkward god the list goes on..yeah emma kids is diffrent.. i make speacial effort in hugging my daughter and telling her i love her.. i do that everyday so i dont fit my parents pattern. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Thats good BB! I have the same feelings when I am hugged by someone. Weird isn't it. Its interesting to explore though. How can you show affection when you were never taught how to be affectionate? Its got to be a chemical thing I believe. I heard some where that your body needs affection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 well i guess or its to do with emotion on how you was taught or brung up with..its hard to explain. if i can reverse my thinking process say instead of iceberg to relaxe emotion then it should be easier. all the emotion what hugs is all about is if we reverse what we know then we should get it.. even we are making ourselves do it say once a day it be a new pattern and then new emotions come about..hope i made sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Yes! like positive affirmations! I know I can be affectionate because I have been I am just selective with it! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 when i show effection is when i buy the world for that person.. thats the only way i know.. i have just started being effection in words as you would all gather.. thats me interacting as much as i can.. on the outside of this i find it hard still...god my hubby would fall over if i just went and planted a kiss or gave him a big squeeze lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 For example, I am talking to my close friend online and we are having a conversation and I said "YOu are the only girlfriend I have except for an older woman I can trust." But, I would not tell her that in person. I cant be affectionate in words to someone unless I have written it down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Again it depends on the person for me. If it's someone I'm relly intimate (nt necessarily sexually) it a very comforting and reainforcing feeling. Unfortunately, I don't feel initimate with too many people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 I get what you mean Bryan. There has only been one guy I could be affectionate and feel safe with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 are you able to show that though emma to him? because i cant even he is the only guy i have.. hmmand hey there bry your awake :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Joe was my best friend and I trusted him with everything. I felt pretty comfortable with him and then he told me he likes his therapist. Interesting! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 are you able to show that though emma to him? because i cant even he is the only guy i have.. hmmand hey there bry your awake <{POST_SNAPBACK}>getting ready for work siting at the computer in my underwear.Oops why did I tellyou that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 hmm lol that aint realistic is it? i mean noway the therapist will get involved .. he dont know what hes missing lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Yeah, I dont think so. From what I told my T it seems she is not handling it in a professional manner though. I told my T I told him it was transference and he was projecting his feelings for the perfect women into his therapist but in actuality he does not know who she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 yeah thats what i would gather too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted July 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Yes, I think I need to do this when I become a T. My T must have a ball with this I think thats why she lent me her psychology book! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 29, 2005 Report Share Posted July 29, 2005 Dam i forgot you want to become a T hey i know when your past and if im still the same way lol i will pay you to be my online therapist ..emma*screams off in terror*lmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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