Temporary Ed Back Again?

[Jinxsta]

Hi all,

I'll never say "I have an eating disorder"... just at times my eating becomes disordered... I can't always pin-point why but i do know on occasions I have starved myself because;

certain alters are telling me i mustn't eat

contamination fears

Punishment

Wanting to lose weight

I hope I will die from starvation eventually

This time around i'm not conscious of a reason but it started like this, I've been spending a lot of time with a friend the past week, practically 24/7... I did notice i had lost my appetite over a week ago, i brought a sandwich, took a bite started chewing then thought "Why you eating, your not hungry" so i spat it out and chucked the rest of it, then thursday i was making bacon sarnies for everyone naturally made myself one, got part way through the first half and just thought "ewww I dont want this" again chucked it... then that night my friend noticed i didn't have dinner, i told her i wasnt hungry, which i wasnt, to which she says "come on you gotta eat something, you haven't eaten for five days" ... which genuinely shocked me, didn't realise it had been that long.

I'm still not hungry, but i'm finding myself getting a bit of a buzz from not eating, like a physical buzz, and im finding myself thinking "Hmmm i wonder how long i can go"... like i've started a competition with myself or something.

I have been down about my weight lately and concerned with the horse-meat saga, not sure if thats related unconsciously related.

People like my mother do not help

Me "Dont know whats wrong with me lately, really lost my appetite, cant eat anything, barely touched anything for five days"

Ma "oh well, it wont do you any harm, you could do with losing weight anyway"

...those words now ingrained in my mind.

I know that once im in this phase its very hard to get out of, i start seeing food as the enemy and eating a weakness... think im in too deep already.

Any advice?

xx xx xx

[BeaBee]

I can get this way with food, how long can I not eat for, or how long can I eat just toast for. I know I can do it for a few years and I can be skinny but I don't feel well and I spend my time thinking about not eating.

B.

[Jinxsta]

Hey B,

No its not nice, at first i really wasnt thinking bout food at all, now its all i can think about, but not about eating it, but about not eating it.... its odd, feels like my brain has been disconnected from my stomach but still knows what it SHOULD be telling me to do.

Thanks

xx xx xx

[Jinxsta]

Urghhhh feel real sick, can't stop drop heaving... got my friend coming round for dinner, the thought of preparing the food is making me feel worse, i'm trying to tell myself it's just objects and i don't have to eat it if i don't want to. WTF is wrong with me???? I should be starvin' marvin'... I usually love roast dinners.. but i've got no emotional connection at all to food right now other than hate, repulsiveness.

xx xx xx

[Benway]

Hi Jinx,

Can relate to your post where you say it's not an eating disorder - more disordered eating that can give ya a little 'boost'

Your Mum saying critical things about your weight can't help - and I understand the 'going too far' element in it too - where you can't eat even if you want too because your tummys not able for it after a spell of not eating.

A roast dinner would be a bit much i'd say.

Is there anything bland-ish but you like -custard, yogurt , even toast to start you off just to get your stomach working again?

I totally understand ya tho, I get high off not eating, but then it catches up with me.

Take care , hope you get thru the dinner ok, Love xx am

[Jinxsta]

Thanks AM, you seem to get it totally... I went in for the kill with the roasty, i've figured it must be mental, coz all the time there was conversation going on, i was eating, soon as convo stopped and my attention was completely on the food I started gagging and getting anxiety like as if i was being made to do something really awful, I managed two spuds bout a spoonful of veg and a bit of meat... but feel awful now, like i don't want it in me, feel like i've eaten for no reason.

xx xx xx

[Jinxsta]

Am, what happens when it catches up with you?

xx xx xx

[Jinxsta]

My guts are really not happy now, pain and gurgling :-/

xx xx xx

[Huggy Bear]

Hi All,

You may think it is strange hearing this from a guy, some people do. I have battled with Anorexia for the last 14 years of my life (or existance as thats what AN made mine) so I finally took the courage and admitted myself to an ED hospital, spent 9 weeks there, went through the whole refeed program and came out 6 weeks ago, now what a big mistake that was, now I am back in the spiral and firmly in the clutches of anorexia, trying to fight hard and desperatly wanting the thoughts to stop.

What triggered the relapse (not that I thought I had beaten it) many different things happened, but I know it is not to lose weight, it is to numb the pain, hurt and anquish I feel inside, to show the world that actually I am a person and I am hurting but cannot explain why. Your right it does give you a buzz physically but all the time it is doing that it is slowly destroying and distorting your way of thinking, turning everything against you, making this a competition. I know you maybe thinking "he is a fine one to talk" but I can see it in myself yet powerless to stop it.

Please fight hard, don't let it take your life away, it destroys your soul and you lose who you are and trust me that is hard to get back.

x

[Jinxsta]

Hey HB,

I don't find it odd that you are a guy although i am aware there is a lot of stigma around guys having ED's. I'm not sure if im trying to numb out, but i do know i am getting that buzz, and i do kinda like the feeling. It has become a competition, a certain stubborness... i felt i had to get through it today, i couldnt make my friend feel awkward by not eating with him, but i've solved that one, don't invite friends for dinner. I have had spats with food in the past but i'm sure its been a few years since i've got this severe. I've noticed warning signs of a general breakdown creep in, maybe this is just another sign

Have you not had any further support since leaving the ED hospital?

Thanks for sharing?

xx xx xx

[Jinxsta]

...didnt mean to put a question mark on the end.

[Huggy Bear]

Yeah there is a lot of stigma with ED's a men so thank you for your understanding. I had many years as an outpatient before I admitted myself as normal with the mental health system they promised me follow up care, a nurse, dietician and therapist but of course nothing happened, just a letter formally discharging me and handing me over to the CMHT, they say that the BPD is the cause of the ED, the others say the ED is the cause of the BPD, a constant battle and me stuck in the middle harming to survive.

It is really easy for me to sit here and plead with you not to go down that road but I know that it is not that easy, I lost many friends along this journey as I would avoid anything to do with food and people really don't understand "just eat" was always the classic, if only they could see the turmoil in your head.

Not eating will give you a buzz as your body goes into starvation mode, using the reserves and creating adrenaline, your glucose then starts to be used by other parts of your brain that it would not normally be used for and your left floating, then it hits earth with a bang, your body is a great machine but it can only take so much (mine has been through a lot and now I am paying the price)

I really can understand the competition part, how many days can you go without, then you reach a target but the goalpost has moved, it really is a vicious circle and one thing I really can say with conviction is that what ever you do in the competition it WON'T be good enough.

HB x

[Jinxsta]

Fucking arse-holes, they really are, I don't know why I expected to hear better, how the hell can they expect people to recover with no follow up care? the governments moaning that MH care is basically a bottomless pit, well maybe they should try giving the whole treatment, not just quarter the job. I don't think there is a definitive answer to what is a symptom of what BPD/ED... everyones different aren't they?...although I'm sure the quacks like to think we are all blueprints, makes it easier for them to tick there boxes.

I'm already prone to hypoglycaemic seizures, and im real surprised I haven't had one yet, I don't want it happening in public coz then they will call an ambo, and the hospital gonna stick there beaks in to whats going on.... like they did last time when i HAD actually been eating.

Is it normal for your stomach to bloat right out after eating a little after a period of starvation?

I've already had the "Just eat!"... feel like saying "Hmmm yeah why didnt i think of that?"

I really can understand the competition part, how many days can you go without, then you reach a target but the goalpost has moved, it really is a vicious circle and one thing I really can say with conviction is that what ever you do in the competition it WON'T be good enough.

...yeah i know it wont be good enough, im a pusher by nature... I push and push until its gone, then stand there thinking "hmmm how the fuck did that happen?"

xx xx xx

[Benway]

Hi inx, Just coming back to this now.

I had not eaten anythin much - (the odd clementine- need me vit c!) since thursday, maybe wednesday, and yesterday i was so weak & with pains in my stomach i spent the day in bed. Too sick to eat.

Today I had appt in the City and noticed putting on make up how friggin pale i was. I am still pretty much wearing all black since the funeral so i looked dreadful.

So bought some food in the Chinese Supermarket and some stuff in the Veggie Supermarket- my fav foods. Feel very full now after eating a small dinner, physically i feel 1000% times better, but mentally i'm thinking... hmm , so you're going back "on the eating" again???

It's a headfuck allright. Do you get REALLY cold when you don't eat for a few days?

For me i know its often an underhand attention seeking mechanism to see if anyone notices... (they don't haha)

Love xx am

[Jinxsta]

Hey AM,

glad u been able to eat something, i can truly appreciate how hard it is now... when i've had "spats" of this before i have deliberately brought my fave foods, or my ex would delib cook or order my fave foods and i wouldn't be able to resist, but i have more or less all my faves in the kitchen, some things that dont even require preparing, snack bits like dairylea dunkers and cheese strings, but when i go to the fridge to get a drink and i see them my head is dead set against it.

Physical symptoms really starting to kick in, woozy...cant say it feels bad, it just reminds me that im winning, although who im up against i dont know. I have actually felt hungry today too, or actually i wouldnt call it feeling hungry, more really fancying food... but the mind, oh it wont let up. AND coldness YES! i usually dont feel the cold, im talking fan on and windows open when its snowing, but today i have been freezing alllll day, I came home from hospital earlier today and had to get in bed fully clothed... whacked the heating up... still in bed... still cold.

I think im enjoying the control and theres a voice in my head saying "If you dont eat, your not human, lower than a human, lower than an animal, your just shit, you dont deserve food and you dont need it anyway, look at the size of ya" ...like i need to be dehumanized... plus there is the bonus of the weight-loss.

People don't even notice if I go missing for weeks AM, can't get blood out of a stone eh.....fuck'em.

xx xx xx

[Huggy Bear]

Hey Jinx,

I am sorry that I did not answer last night, the not eating beat me and I fainted, but to answer your question when you have not eaten for while even the smallest amount of food you allow yourself hurts like hell (physically and mentally) you tummy will naturally bloat a little, but to us it looks as though its massive.

When I was in the ED unit during the refeed part of the treatment I honestly looked like I was pregnant, it took a good few weeks for the weight to distribute to other areas although that is dropping off now, faster than ever before.

Christ I know the feeling about being cold, when I was in Africa and it was 36'c I still had to sleep with 2 duvets, hot water bottle and then dress in layers. Keep fighting for me.

xxx

[jades]

ok ..well i feel i need to weigh in now! i statred with ed (puging binging laxatives starving) at age eight. when i was 23 my family n grandfather spent to no end to put me in an ed unit in a very expensive ed unit in a northern state. i spent years living of the "high" ur just starting to observe in urself. i cooked for everyone all the time n it got so bad in my head i was afraid to smell my cooking thinking calories. it does come to complete insanity and yes it is a competition against urself and anyone u know or anyone u know with ed! jinx , what ur describing from my experience is how it started with me. i spent years in and out of hossy over this at 23 i was scanned for bone density n they said i had the bones of a 65 year old! when i finally got into the expensive hossy my whole family paid for i was 84 lbs n in near cardiac arrest n had to be treated for it just to be on the ward. it literally led me to complete insanity n i was told i'd lose my family by them n my boyfriend i lived with many years but i was so far gone i didn't care! n even then with the help i got myself kicked out of that hossy n finally i did sort myself. it's a fucking nightmare once u turn the corner u can't come back easily! n i recognise it starts wher u r now jinx n the thoughts ur having . so please, i don't like that part of my life n there ar far worse than i said but i truely don't want anyone to fall into this cuz it just becomes more an adiction etc! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jinxsta]

Hey HB,

Thats horrible you fainting, hope your ok as you can be now?... think i've been pretty close myself a few times today, well more feeling like i'm gonna have a hypo, but i didnt panic like i usually do if i think im gonna fit, was pretty serene and calm just felt floaty and my eyes were pulsating, focus going in-out in-out. I proper bloated out yesterday, after the bit i had, it was starting to convince me that the whole thing was a physical problem, I hope things get better for you, I wanna kick your MH team right up the butt for not supporting you.

Much love

xx xx xx

Hey Jades,

I got pretty choked reading that, because well, your my mate, and it tugs on the ole heart strings to hear you going through that, even if it is past.

I looked on an ED website earlier to try frighten myself... but it didnt work, i was just thinking "Nahhh that wont happen to us"... but reading a personal account does ring it more true, esp when u say

"what ur describing from my experience is how it started with me"

somewhere upstairs, possibly the sensible part of me that stays hidden most of the time is screaming "Get out of this now before its too late GO FUCKING EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!".... but then comes in "No, no, no its cool, we'll be fine, one more day...".

I'm so frustrated with myself, i dunno which mind is mine, what thoughts are mine... somehow what appears to be the right thing to do seems the worst possible thing... i feel stuck already... then its like "the only thing thats keeping me going is the buzz im getting"... but is it? if not this would it have been something else? maybe this is the something else... wish i could fizzle away.

I know theres a certain person i have been through this on a lower level on this before, who kicked my arse in gear and we go through it together... i think about calling her asking her to help, then the other side comes in

NOOOO, she'll make u eat

Yeah thats what we want

No its not you fat fucker

yes it is

no you dont want people in our business

fine ill deal with it myself

ha ha, go on then, eat

...i cant

exactly, coz u feel sick just wait a few more days

etc etc

A switch would be appreciated for once here, long as its an alter old enough to sort food and not one with food probs lolz.

Much love

xx xx xx

[Jinxsta]

...now when they say "do you get messages from the tv?"

...yes i do... MY MAD FAT DIARY... what more can i say.

xx xx xx

[Benway]

Hey, whats with that programme on C4? i tried watching it on the puter over the weekend, turned it off after 15 as it just looked like it was about 'boys'.

I have a book called 'Thin', it's based around a documentary called "Thin" which believe can be found on the internet for free.It follows 4 girls with ED's and other MH probs over months in a Treatment Centre in one of the US states. It's the best documentary I have seen of it's kind. Ups & downs etc. All ages, you should have a look for it, it was c. 2008

If ya want a good programme on MH & ED thats where its at. 5 stars from kitteh.

The book is a beautiful "coffee table' kind, whith stunning pics and bio's of the girls.

I fucking ate today. Less than recc cals, but still like going back to 'normal'. I was enjoying it , in retrospect, It's just the physical really sucks after a while. Love xx am

[Jinxsta]

Yup thats the one AM, I thought maybe thats what straight peeps was like lol... if u got the time could u look for the link on you tube and post it to me hun? I wanna watch it but dunno what im looking for.

I'm very mentally "in it" right now, my heads speaking for my stomach... I have an appointment tomorrow with psychological therapies for assessment for further therapy, my CPN is away for two weeks and this T who the appointment is with, i know a little, should i tell her this is going on or is it not the time and place?... i mean its a general assessment i dont want her thinking have an impending ED...arghhh i dunno.

xx xx xx

[Benway]

Deadly found it!

I love shelly!!! http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/thin/

[jades]

thanks am for putting that up. i watched it n loads went thru my mind.....first off renfew is a very expensive place n quite koostie n this is not what i experienced at all really. i went thru some of the same exercises but jinx i want u to know...everyday 5 am they checked our vtals in bed so u got used to sleeping with ur arm out for blood pressue, then u had weigh in in a hospital gown n it always seemed to b freezing (but then again when ur that weight u constantly freeze) if u did not gain a kilo a day no hot shower or shower at all, tiolet breaks only allowed at certain times n the horro they have to inspect the toilet before they use a key to flush it, we had 30 mins to complete meals that were completely huge compared to what u saw n no abiding to if u were vegitarian of lactose intolerant...no napkins allowed u could not have even a cardy on durring n ur hands had to be visible at all times, further this documentry the girls were able to fidget to knit etc....upon eating we had to lie down on the floor for an hour in a day room to be monitored.....guess i'm saying this documentry is a good depiction but i was put in the further gone catagory n had to be on a locked ward no smoking , hell we weren't even allowed an envolope cuz "we could use it to purge in". this may seem a way of distracting from issues to make u feel powerful n in control but it's inevitable u will get addicted to it ur problems seem to diappear cuz ur only thinking about food n the accomplishment n pride u gain from it but it will completely end up bad! n i knew loads including myself that thought "i'm not bad enough to warrent belief or help n they will laugh at me" but don't listen to that thought please!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jinxsta]

I havent been able to watch the whole thing yet, would only let me watch 9mins of it for some reason?

That sounds pretty horrific Jades, I certainly couldn't handle no shower, and when i've been hospitalized and on 1-2-1 obs it drove me stir-crazy, especially being watched washing, I found it humiliating... I don't like people watching me go through my routines, i guess the powers that be take control when a person is not able to.

I had a psychological assessment today and I did drop it in that I hadn't eaten for ten days, she wrote it down and said basically that I'm not eating as a form of SH... I have witheld myself from fluids before to delib fuck up my kidneys further, or cause actual death. I wont bang on too much about the assessment coz im gonna start a new topic with everything that happened.

Have lost half a stone in a week, which im pleased with... but not pleased enough... i've brought some meal replacement shakes, on advice of a friend, but as of yet cannot get myself to drink them, is that a good mid way if i can drink one of them?

This is self-punishment, i know that, deliberate self-punishment.

I do very in control, very also at the same time very out of control, not sure that makes sense?

xx xx xx

[jades]

jinx hun ..uurrgh , how do i say this? this has got u in the grips already tbh. n i'm scared for u. u think what i went thru was horrific? well u will experince it too if ur lucky cuz most hossys etc won't even give u that help! it may b self-punishment for u now but very very soon it will be an addiction of sorts in the way that nothing or noone will be as important to u as loosing or starving or restricting! i already see in u right now ur head has turned n ur commited to going down this horrible road! u've convinced urself this lack of food is an accomplishment to b proud of n will solve things, well guess what?...it won't! it will just add a more complicated addictive issue to ur problems that will b near impossible to get out of the more u feed it instead of urself! jinx ....i love u loads, please do not go this road ! there r further horrors i can tell u but i think i've given enough of a picture n u know what bothers me to no end?....after all that u were only concerned about a shower! common babes hope u don't hate me but u need a slap upside the head to get some sence about this! i love u tons but please!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx