kayle Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 I've mentioned things about my eating habits on here in the past, however i am ready to admit to you all, as i have admitted to myself for a while, that i am anorexic. im 97lbs with 16 bmi - i really love my thigh gap and concave stomach and hip bones etc etc of course i have days i feel really fat... BUT my hair has always been my thing.... its starting to get thin, i look so pale, i went on holiday to mid 20 degrees weather and wore a hoody most the time as i was so cold. People tell me im so tiny all the time. Im getting so much unwanted attention from it all and i feel so incredibly weak that i realise i need to do something! The doctors were useless about my bpd/anxiety i dont want to take this to them, my boyfriend knows, although the word anorexia hasnt been used while we talk about it - we call it my food problem. i have increased my cals to 1500 which is really just a maintenance intake and been weighing less often. Im allowing myself naughty days in order to gain some weight, although i still feel so so guilty when i have one, but i havent purged since starting to try recover. Is it possible for me to do this is there anything else i need to change? Im hoping to maintain my weight for a few weeks and very slowly increase about half a stone - im just so scared about what if i get over my goal and what if the increased eating makes me feel awful when i have to then cut down again to maintain??! The thought of being a healthy bmi terrifies me still so one step at a time.? I constantly have numbers running in my head, bmis bmrs activity levels, maintenance calories, gain calories, loss calories etc etc i cant sleep i think this is worse than before. I should mention Im not the type of anorexic which is scared of food or anything, i LOVE food i love take aways and i also love loads of healthy food too, i think about food all the time and always check myfitnesspal i plan my weeks meals so i have something to look forward to and i plan every single snack and calorie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeaBee Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Kayle you are obsessive about your eating and weight. I don't want to harm your kind intentions but you do need professional help. Anorexia is a complex mental illness, you need to share the control and burden of the illness with eating disorder specialists. It is a life long illness and many people make fantastic recoveries and I dearly hope and believe you can be one of those people. You are being honest and that is super but you do need to expand this attitude. You mention aspects of your physical body that you like, but you know with weight gain you'll lose those. You are already showing signs that your body is struggling with your low weight, internally you may have damage that needs looking at. Please see a professional, you can get over this illness but you will need treatment. B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Hi, it's good that you're starting to realize and accept that you "food problem" is a very serious illness, it's the first step to recovery. But as BeaBee told you, I believe you would have much more chances to recover and not fall down again if you seek professionnal help. You sounds like someone needing it and I bet you very desserve help now, please go get it. You'll recover with time, help and efforts, it's possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Hi Kayle, I'm not going to either condone or condemn your decision to go it alone, that is your current choice and you're free to make that. However, it is positive that you see you have a problem and that you know you need to change things, well done for admitting that, I know from experience that it is very difficult to even reach that stage. I couldn't read this and not comment though about your 'maintenance' calorie intake of 1500. That is not enough to maintain your current weight, it will lead to more (even if it is not so quick) weight loss and continue to allow the symptoms you describe to take hold. You need to up that number to 2000 cals, that is what an adult needs every day to maintain the status quo as well as be able to function healthily. Like I said, I have been where you are and I know how terrifying putting on weight and increasing BMI is and I totally get the crazy mess of numbers that runs through your head. Really though, you need to keep the numbers out of things as far as you can. I realise that this contradicts what I'm saying about calorie intake but in aiming to recover I found that if I told myself I would increase my BMI to e.g. 17, my anxiety was ridiculously high, as you describe, in case I went over. What if it got to 17.1 or .6 or.8 etc etc?? The fact is that aiming to put on half a stone or increase your BMI by a certain amount is likely not going to be all you ever need to do to get over your anorexia. Hard as it is, you need to commit to recovery 100%, and that means agreeing that eventually, your BMI needs to be back in the 'normal' range and that is going to mean more than half a stone. Sure, you don't have to do it all in one big step, recovery is a long process and having smaller, achievable goals along they way is fine. However, as long as you are telling yourself that you'll stop at x weight or x BMI, you are still complying with your anorexic thinking and you remain ill. That is why you are so petrified about going over your goal and having to starve again to reduce it later - the anorexic inside of you is fighting back. The step that you have taken to weigh less frequently is definitely a good step towards this. I don't mean to quash all your enthusiasm and make it all sound like doom and gloom at all. It is fantastic that you haven't purged since you decided to do something about your condition and as I said, accepting that you are ill and need to change is huge. I'm not saying I know it all, I'm not a professional and I'm still on my journey but I just wanted to put across some of the stuff I have learnt along my own road. I tried to compromise with my anorexia, meet half way but it is such a strong power and will do anything to manipulate things to its favour. You have to be intent on wiping it out completely or it will always have a hold. I really hope you can beat this and I wish you the best of luck in doing so. You are lucky that your boyfriend is supportive and having friends/family who understand what you are trying to do will be very useful. Also, try and be kind to yourself too. Don't brand the days of higher calorie intake as 'naughty' - you are not naughty to be wanting to increase your weight to a healthier level, you are just wanting to be well. Anyway, apologies for the very lengthy reply but I hope even some of it is helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayle Posted February 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 Wow thank u for the replies, especially Artemis that really touched me thank you. I know deep down I need professional help, I just feel embarrassed and I have tried to mention my eating habits to the doctor before whilst talking about anxiety and when I was speaking about how I need to plan meals for 1-2 weeks in advance all he said was "some people may find this being well organised" which made me feel so stupid. Maybe I can go straight to the link worker he was a lot better but we didn't really cover the food problem before. I really do want to get better. I'm struggling to look at my stomach already just from increasing calories but on a positive note I do feel a bit stronger towards the end of the day now so I guess that's encouraging. Thanks everyone I really do appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 I find the reply by your doctor on planning meals rather stupid. Who would call it being well organized? Denying people? I hope he/she is more a help habitually. I can feel your will to change and it's very encouraging, dear. Keep on the right road. And I'd also like tot thank Artemis for the very accurate answer, it's helpful for a lot of people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayle Posted February 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 I know the doctor just really put me off going back, he's usually very helpful and easy to talk to about physical problems but I find speaking to him about any mental problems very embarrassing. Thank u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 i've struggled with anorexia and bulimia for the last 14 years on and off so i know what your going through i don't have a set of waying scales in my house cause i know i'd constantly be on them if i did i use to when i had a set before so i chucked my last lot out the windo best thing i ever did and it made a fantastic noise when it struck the pavement outside (bonus) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeaBee Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 Maddy that sounds very liberating, well done. B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 I'm glad you found my ramblings useful, I was worried that I'd said too much or would upset people. One of the things I have really struggled with on my battles against my ED is not having anyone who has been there and got through it to look up to or give me advice. That's why I wanted to share my thoughts with you, I really want to provide what has been missing for me where I am able. I agree that what your doctor said was very unhelpful, however I can't say that I am shocked. I was seeing my GP pretty much every week at one stage, trying to deal with my depression. I will never forget the day that he made me feel sooo stupid for raising the idea of an eating disorder with him. My CPN had demanded I make an emergency appointment with him to discuss what he believed to be an ED but the GP flatly denied that I had one. I had, as he put it 'just lost some weight' and 'was not going to fall down dead from starvation'. Two weeks later I was told I was being made an inpatient at an ED ward of a psych hospital and there I remained for several months; diagnosed as 'severely anorexic'. Just shows how much GPs understand the situation hey! I don't want to tar them all with the same brush and I know they do the best they can as general practitioners but there is a real need for specialist support in this area and it makes such a difference to treatment - at least it did with me. I wish you luck with talking to your doctor. Don't be embarrassed - being ill is not something anybody chooses and just coz it's your mind that's ill rather than your body it doesn't make you any less justified in asking for help. If he really is useless again though, have a look at changing docs - they all have different interests and specialisms. I had to do the same very recently and discovered there is another doctor in the same surgery with a specific psychiatric interest so I've stared seeing them instead. Keep us updated on how things develop for you anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayle Posted February 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2013 Omg I can't believe it but I had made a call to make an appointment with my link worker and he just rang back and I actually just came out with it and said I think I have an eating disorder. I don't know how I feel right now its the first time I've ever said it out loud to someone. I feel like laughing and crying and just weird. I have an appointment on 20th march. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 20, 2013 Report Share Posted February 20, 2013 Weldone you it takes massive guts to do that and is the first step forward, I wish you all the strength in the world for your journey bit by bit . You should be really proud of yourself I get why you felt like crying to let it out its the best way, you know deep down this is the best thing I'm sure xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted February 20, 2013 Report Share Posted February 20, 2013 That is brilliant news, well done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted February 21, 2013 Report Share Posted February 21, 2013 Oh Kayle, I feel so proud of what you did! It was together the best thing to do and one of the most scary but you did it! That's great, now you should be able to receive the professional support you needed. Don't worry for the crying/laughing feelings, it's probably all the tension you accumulated that is going through the door. Did you feel relief from saying it? I'm so very happy for you, first days may be confusing like all big changes but I'm positive it's for the best now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeaBee Posted February 21, 2013 Report Share Posted February 21, 2013 Well done B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Congratulations! You've taken that brave first step and now you're on your way to getting where you want to be : ) *hugs* xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayle Posted March 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 Just a little update. I am eagerly awaiting my app on 20th with my link worker. I have a gp app this Tuesday to get some health checks. My recovery via self help is of course better than nothing while I wait but I am realising how much I do need professional help. My food in take is pretty good now although I am still restricting myself to a certain extent I am getting a balanced diet and enough calories to have gained a couple lbs over 3wks. It's the stuff in my head I am struggling with most the food thoughts etc i think I know why I got my ed so I just can't wait to get some professional mental help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted March 10, 2013 Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 Good to read your last post, Kayle. Again I'm very proud of what you are doing to overcome your issues! 20th isn't that far now so hold on, help is coming your way. Very happy to know that you are goinf forward on the road of recovery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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