Bordering On The Ridiculous.

[BeaBee]

What is the answer for us BPD sufferers. Hospital doesn't work we just see a path to escape responsibility, medications can work but are often abused. Community support is hit and miss as we don't attach to people or attach too quickly.

When I read or hear that someone is continually acting out dangerously I wonder what can be done. Do we need to accept that some of us won't make it. Not because we aren't worthy of saving, or beyond saving, but because there seems no way to be saved.

Nothing will get better unless you want it to, but with persistent ambivalence it is hard to commit. Without commitment not much will change.

I wouldn't like to help me, I am stubborn and tiresome. And I can change quickly, I will twist and turn, sad girl to intelligent woman.

B,

[timbawundakin]

Beabee,

I totally hear and agree with what youre saying. I can relate to it in alot of ways especially when you say you can turn very quickly from sad girl to intelligent woman.

Im 33 and have waited since I was 18 or maybe even younger than that for a concrete diagnoses from doctors whod rather play down my illness and send me on my way with a handfull of pills.

For me personally, I rekon that expending as much excess and nervous energy as I can throughout the day helps greatly, followed by perhaps being able to have a good talk through with my phsychologist the next again day.

Flushes the toxins out of my head if you see what I mean?

Hoping this may help others, if not then I thank you all the same for your post which I found not only comforting but also very insightfull.

Best wishes

Kat

x

[EmilyStrange]

I need someone to save me.... someone to genuinely care... that is the only way I will ever be saved. No amount of fake caring and cold medical support will change things. It won't fix a shitty life.

BPDs need someone who genuinely cares.. who has endless patience, empathy, kindless, compassion, and love. Does that even exist in human form???

[Kitsune]

I think it does, too bad that the attachment thing means it's hard to really keep people like this around.

[BeaBee]

Thanks Kat.

Emily I understand what you say, but it isn't possible to give adults the love and nurture that a good parent would give their child. And in my mind that is the problem.

Why should we demand endless patience? Why can't we take some responsibility and work with what is offered? What we want is to be cared for, as you say and I agree.

No amount of fake caring and cold medical support will change things.

In knowing this, what will help. Some people will give up it is too hard and the past is too brutal to overcome. The rest of us, how do we move on with the help available?

B.

[dolphin92]

It's difficult to commit when we feel the way we do, and don't know the right treatment to commit to, or how to change. I wish I knew the answer to saving BPD sufferers, but I haven't found the answer yet. Sorry, I wish I had the answer and that I could be more helpful, I hope you find the answer

[EmilyStrange]

The medical support is fake caring.. and i've been in hospital, and had the acute home care team round post attempts.. lol I still want and need it. It's no substitute for what I truly need - but i'll take it.

[BeaBee]

If i find the answer you can have free treatment!

The problem I have with medical support is that it is someone that wants to reach in to my mind, so it isn't like a physical doctor or illness. They want me to offer a part of myself that is private. You can say how you feel, and then feel as if you are being paraphrased and within that, the original meaning is lost, in translation! Also physical illness, you have something or you don't. BPD, most people with this illness have anxiety, but how many are also lazy? Depression can present as laziness, BPD can also, but there are people who are mentally well that are lazy, lazy isn't an illness. If you've ever been depressed you know lazy can be crippling.

There must be an answer. Yet all I rest on is a society that is much kinder, and I suppose to be a part of that we have to be kind to ourselves and each other.

B.

[dolphin92]

Haha thanks! Yeah, it's so annoying when things get lost in translation. And I feel like it's hard to carry out any of their suggestions to getting better, I just feel too anxious to do what they think I should, or sometimes lack the motivation. I'm an awkward person to help, they must wanna bang their head against the wall after talking to me! That's true. I wish that society was much kinder and more caring. It'd be a better place.

[Sparko]

What you say is true, treatment available for BPD sufferers is ridiculous isn't it?

The TC that I went to would not alow you in unless you were self contained, no SH, no substance problems, abstain from drugs and alcohol, not doing anything danjerous, didn't even want u to be on meds. Do bacically you had to jump through hoops to get in. I couldn't stick to all the rules all the time so I got kicked out. There answer - we can't help everyone ... If people could stick within all there rules and boundarys it really is questionable whether they actually need the therapy as much as those who are at risk. There should be something, iv heard DBT is helpful but this is not available everywhere :-/. It's not surprising so many people end up feeling like they can't be helpt x

[BeaBee]

Sparko I know statistically therapeutic communities are seen as successful. As you pointed out they don't admit people who are on medication, so that brings their reputable success in treating BPD in to a shadow. The people that need the medication, that self harm as a means of communication or relief, where do they go? I hope one day someone with enough power will make the change needed for this illness to be treated effectively. Until then the high suicide rate will continue and this illness will continue to be passed from parent to child, as the intervention is not there to teach us how to use our life differently.

I know many people are parents here and I'm not suggesting that BPD is passed just because a parent suffers with the illness. It is alcohol and drug misuse, often used to hide symptoms of underlying psychological problems, that then cause children to grow in to BPD adults. If you have the awareness to seek out help and a diagnosis then your children aren't the children I would worry for.

B.

[artemis84]

This is a really interesting issue. I just wish I was reading it from purely an academic point of view rather than being embroiled in it as a BPD sufferer myself!

I know I have been a tricky patient in the past, not from willingly acting out or actively being non-compliant, just because the symptoms I display make me difficult to help - many of which have already been mentioned.

But just because someone is difficult to help, it doesn't mean they should just be cast aside as someone who can't be helped. BPD is a very complex disorder and like others have said, requires time patience and genuine caring from people. Maybe the problem is that in a world where mental illness is becoming ever more prevalent and pressure on resources is growing daily, there just aren't enough resources to invest in people like us. We take too long - at first we don't trust so helping is difficult, then we trust too much and become 'dependent' which then takes more time to wean us off gently and convince us we can cope alone.

I don't know, it is demoralising. I just hope that in the future things will develop so that more people (rather than the very hard to come by psychiatrist here and there) really understand. With greater understanding comes more chance of not only being heard but also being properly listened to.

In the meantime I guess we just have to stick together and help each other - which is why places like this are so great!

[BeaBee]

No other illness in the UK is ignored because of its complexities. We need a brain, a giant brain to think and influence. We need people to realize what abuse and neglect does to their children. We need hope.

B.

[ArtMatters]

Hey.

I totally get feeling this way, and I can't say I don't feel this way often, cuz that would be a lie, I totally do...but I want to offer a bit of hope.

If you follow this plan it will help... I'm not saying it will cure you.. I'm not saying it wont be damn hard work (cuz it will) but so far it's the best plan I've found:

1. DBT therapy is a must

2. Finding a therapist that you fell comfortable with and can open up to is key key key... then actually being brave and opening up even if it seems scary or vulnerable

3. Meeting other people in real life with bpd that you can talk through some of your experiences with

4. Monitoring your own medication and being your own advocate. Do a lot of research around what meds you put in your body and what's changed i.e. have you lost your sex drive, gained weight, feel lathargic etc.. if so those are legitamite concerns to bring up and you shouldn't feel you have to accept these things to lessen the anxiety there are other meds and other ways to accomidate....just because some people will accept this doesn't mean it's the only way

5. Find at least one friend you can trust......this one is hard and might take some trial and error......but try meeting someone in a space of common interest etc

6. Take your mindfulness to the next level and start practising meditation

7. Give yourself breaks, take baby steps if you have to and try to let go of our cultures issues with time, or what is referred to as 'time sickness'

8. Try to distance yourself from the abusive or negative people in your life.... (*tip: you might notice these people by the burning ball of anxiety you get in your stomach when they are around lol*) -- this one is really hard and is the scary next step I am working on

9. Find something you are passionate about. What makes you feel satisfaction? helping others? music/dance/poetry/art? collecting stamps...iunno man whatever floats your boat lol We all have at least one of these........For me I get a lot more issues when I stop making art

10. Teach other people skills you've learned to cope-- funnily enough I've found that sometimes by teaching others with bpd skills it helps reinforce them for myself... after all it's a lot harder to tell someone to do something if you aren't doing it lolol

11. make time to laugh........this seems trivial but I can tell you it is one of the most important things... If it weren't for my phone sessions with my bff at the end of a hard day where we laugh at all the shit that goes wrong in my life I would be sad and depressed about it a lot more... it feels better when you can laugh and when you have someone that can have your back and dislike the same people and things with you lol

^as for maintaining long term friendships or relationships it is extremely difficult, I can validate this...but it is more than possible if you are willing. Me and my friend have kind of an unwritten code where we can debate things but we never try to hurt one another or undermine them... there has to be mutual respect... and it helps to discuss limits and vulnerable spots. I lucked out and had a very socially aware friend, but some might also need to be educated around ableism and privellege etc..........also you have to pick your battles. For instance if my friend and I have hit a wall in our disagreement I usually choose to drop it because I value our friendship more over being right

and finally.. the one I find extremely challenging 12. let go of expectations.....try to let go of what you feel like other people expect or want from you and make decisions around what is best and most healthy for you. This can be really hard because we often end up in situations where we are somewhat dependant on others whether we want to or not...and we've been raised being taught we're wrong or our opinions are of less value...so it can be hard to stick up for yourself or to get away on your own and do things.........This is my current hugest source of stress-- trying to get more distance from my emotionally abusive family

Sorry I type too much no one is probably even gonna read that lol

[BeaBee]

Thanks Artmatters. I think what you've written is positive and user friendly when we aren't in crisis. I understand that working as a well oiled machine, doing all that needs doing will prevent frequent crisis. BPD is an illness and a part of that is the perpetual crisis, and then the obvious lack of medical care for people in crisis.

Pick your battles wisely, I think that is a solid piece of advice that is crucial for people with BPD. Getting all fired up over every small thing is terribly bad for body and soul. Losing perspective, thinking an opinion is a fact or a fact is an opinion. Standing back and seeing you don't have to be the centre of every unpleasant exchange.

B.

[timbawundakin]

I think it does, too bad that the attachment thing means it's hard to really keep people like this around.

I wholeheartedly agree, and in my case my problem is that I attach myself onto endless useless men who ultimately let me down.

Ill learn.....

[BeaBee]

What will you learn timbawundakin?

B.

[timbawundakin]

What will you learn timbawundakin?

B.

Not to attach myself to unsuitable men, its the worst habit ive got.

[BeaBee]

I hope your prince comes and finds you soon.

B.

[timbawundakin]

I hope your prince comes and finds you soon.

B.

aw thankyou but no , im not waiting anymore. im not well , and having BPD is reason enough to dtay away from the opposite sex. For me, i know i have to learn to unattach myself from the thing that harms me the most. x

[BeaBee]

I understand and think you are making an intelligent decision.

B.

[Kitsune]

if DBT is a must what about those of us who can't get DBT? Does that mean we will always be doomed to live and die this way? Or will we have to try and teach ourselves DBT (which seems near impossible)

[ArtMatters]

if DBT is a must what about those of us who can't get DBT? Does that mean we will always be doomed to live and die this way? Or will we have to try and teach ourselves DBT (which seems near impossible)

Well I suppose there could be other methods, I just find dbt the most helpful..........but if you don't have access I've been posting some of my notes and would be happy to walk you through a few things if you need a bit more guidance

[Saharah Blue]

I think validation is the key to improving BPD, whether you learn them in T or learn them through DBT, or somewhere else.

[BeaBee]

I agree Sahara Blue. One thing people with BPD seem to have in common is a theme of invalidation of their feelings and needs as children.

B.