Dysfunctional Upbringing

[Eagleheart]

Looking back on my childhood,i have come to realise how dysfunctional it was and it probably contributed to me developing BPD.

My parents made no effort to make sure i learned how to socialise & interact with other kids.The family was very insular. I never had friends round and was never taken to visit my classmates.

I never once got thrown a birthday party.My lovely hubby gave me my first one when i was 25.

I was never taken to the swimming baths by my parents & therefore never learned to swim.

If we ever had a trip out,it was always to do stuff THEY wanted to do.

Never taken to the cinema.

The only "holidays" we ever had were to go down south to visit relatives.I have never actually had what people would call a proper holiday.I haven't even been outside mainland UK.

Did anyone else have a strange childhood? Is my upbringing normal? I don't think so,having spoken to other people about theirs.

[SoppyCow96]

my parents didnt bring me up at all my mum neglected me and my dad was never there everthing i know i learned myself by reading

[jayjay4466]

My mother had serious mental health issues when I was a child, and was sectioned frequently. The home was a pretty unsafe place to be most of the time.

As a family, we were very insular too- my Mum had a phobia about germs and illness so I was never allowed to have friends back to the house. Couldn't go away anywhere either because Mum wouldn't eat out anywhere for fear of food poisoning, and long car journeys were out too because she wouldn't use public toilets.

We get on ok these days, but stuff that happens when we grow up is hard to put behind us I think.

I'm reminded of a funny little poem, which I'm probably not going to remember quite right:

They f...... you up, your Mum and Dad,

Don't mean to but they do,

They give you all their hang-ups,

Plus a few new ones just for you!

Always makes me smile that!

[Eagleheart]

It's nice of you both to respond to this.Unfortunately,i can never get closure ovver my childhood,having lost both parents.Dad died in 1985,when i was only 15.He was my hero.

Mother died last August.My relationship with her was dreadful. She was a narcissistic parent and mis-treated me badly.She was the main cause of my dysfunctional family life.

That poem is brilliant.I think it's by Philip Larkin? So spot on,it's hilarious.

[jayjay4466]

That's tough for you.

My Father passed a couple of years ago. My Mum and I have talked and she does understand, as much as she's able, what it was like for me.

I think I understand that it was no picnic for her either- she was very ill.

So in my case I have been able to explore those feelings and come to some understanding. It still haunts me, and underlies most of what came after MH-wise, but its something. I'm sorry you didn't get that chance.

Have you ever done one of those "no send" letters? They can help sometimes.

It is Philip Larkin yes- just Googled it. I didn't remember it quite right, but its close enough!

[Eagleheart]

Thanks again JayJay.

I have been surprised by the way all my stored up anger & hatred towards my mum has virtually disappeared.I thought it would remain with me & fester away into a destructive ball.

Although there was no actual recognition or resolution between us,i find myself being so much more at peace & feeling compassion for her.

However,because of how she was towards me,i made the decision very early on that i would NEVER have children incase i was shit a mother as she was.

How right Philip Larkin was.xxx

[Jeckle88]

Great poem jayjay.

I think alot of BPD sufferers have had dysfunctional upbringings, or childhood traumas. Personally speaking i had both. My mother was an alcoholic drug addict, my father was absent. Sexual abuse bla bla the usual. Im lucky that i was adopted aged 7 but by then the damage was done. I dont think ive ever resolved any of my issues with my childhood. I dont know if i ever will.

Sad really, but as hard as it is for me, i try my hardest to make my childrens lives different. (though ive had my fair share of abusive relationships and depressive episodes that would have impacted on them, i just hope against hope i havent fucked them up)

Do you have children Eagle?

[timbawundakin]

Eagleheart, Hugs to you. I could have written your post myself, its that similar to my early life.

I had a lovely father and my mum is great but they were dysfunctional as f**k to be honest. Like yourself, I was never encouraged to socialise much. I think my father had very bad depression and would get anxious and paranoid about 'outsiders' coming anywhere near me and my sister. Ironically that all changed once he and my mum split up when I was just 6 yrs old, and my mum then drafted in a babysitter to take care of us when she was either working or out with friends. That babysitter then sexually assaulted me and the abuse went on untill I was 9 yrs old. Thats why I am the way I am now.

My father tried to wrap us up in cotton wool but it just goes to show, that dosnt work and is a useless way to bring up children.

Thay trusted all the wrong people.

My kindest regards to you and I hope you are well.

Kat

[Lily-Bee]

My parents fought all the time and then divorced.My mum was so strickt I felt I couldnt breathe but at the same time didnt pay much attention to us. My dad is a narcisstist or so I believe, he bassically lived his own life without paying attention to us much.He also was agressive and a bully. I wasnt raised much, I too had to teach myself loads of things,social stuff but also how to keep your house clean etc

[Data]

I had a very strange childhood. I was an only child and my mother was very over-protective. Neither of my parents had mental health problems as such, or at least they have never been diagnosed with anything. But my mum is an obsessive worrier who filled my head with all her unnatural fears; she is fixated on death, illness, losing your possessions, etc. My parents were also quite naive in a way, lacking in any real insight into how unhealthy their behaviours were, and their effect on me.

I only found out recently that I am very mildly autistic. These traits were never recognised as a child and my parents just made things worse. They are very inflexible people who stick to rigid routines.

As a result, I grew up with poor social skills and the emotions of a child. I never developed many adult emotional skills such as the ability to regulate and cope with my moods, or the ability to cope with stress and boredom and to be self-reliant in making decisions. I was a very naive young man who lacked self-awareness and had severe relationship problems, substance abuse, and very irresponsible "acting-out" behaviour (e.g. starting fires). Its only now in my 30s and 40s that I have started to make real progress with these issues.

I realised recently why I never developed skills at handling conflicts. Recently I attended a social group that triggered me. I told my mother, and said that I am thinking of trying the group one more time to see if it improves. She spent the whole evening sulking, because she wants me to stop going completely. She does not respect my right to make my own decisions. But more importantly: her response to conflict is just to withdraw and give in. Thats why I never learned to deal with conflict properly.

It is tough, having had a dysfunctional childhood. But I think myself lucky I was never physically or sexually abused.

One of my goals in life is to avoid making the mistakes my parents made, with my own children. Its tough because my wife is also someone who had a strange childhood. But we care, and we try.

Thanks for starting this topic, Eagleheart. Have you ever had a chance to talk to anyone (like a therapist) about your childhood?

[Geraldo]

Yes borderline or EUPD [Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder] is caused by childhood trauma and neglect. I have EUPD too due to a terrible childhood (I grew up in a chlldren's home).

[Kitsune]

Mine was also quite strange and we tended to keep to ourselves. To this day I don't have friends over in 'my territory' as it were because I'm afraid they'll judge me (think i got this from my mum). She's a worrier and my dad is a control freak, they've got a very inconsistent parenting style which has left me with a lot of BPD behaviours and feelings.

I think the letter writing thing is a good idea, that and playing scenarios in your head (a kind of self hypnotherapy) where you tell them truly how you feel and try to give yourself some resolution to your feelings.

[Eagleheart]

Hello to all you lovely people who have shared since i was last on.It is heartbreaking that so many of us had childhoods that left us damaged,finding it hard to cope with life.But at the same time,i find you all so incredibly inspiring.You are survivors,people with an inner strength that has allowed you to function in a world that,lets face it,is not geared up to be compassionate & kind.

I never had kids.I know i would have been a shit mother.I can see parts of my mother's character in me that i was determined i would never inflict on a child.

When my hubby talks about his childhood,it makes me so sad.Envious.His family had lovely holidays.A barge trip on the norfolk broads,exploring the caves at cheddar gorge.And so many festivals all over the place (his parents are both folk artists).Why couldn't i have holidays like that? Why was i kept so isolated? WAS IT MY FAULT?

[dolphin92]

I'm sorry that you lost your parents Eagleheart.

My childhood was pretty unconventional. My mum is thought to have Bipolar, and so my upbringing has been very unstable and unpredictable. My mum is very argumentative and would call me names and say spiteful things on a regular basis and put me down (still does), threatened to commit suicide a couple of times, would be aggressive towards me (e.g. slapping me, pulling my hair, screaming loudly in my ear) etc. She was also very depressed, and went through an episode where she would hardly get out of bed for days. She also has a very hyperactive side, in which she is very loud and hyper, like a child. There were constantly arguments in my house, most days, and I was very controlled by my mum. Arguments started over the smallest things. This made me really miserable. My Dad never really stood up for me or stepped in, as he had enough to deal with with my mum and my mum would turn against him if he disagreed with her. It was only when I went to stay with other people or opened up about my family life that I realised that my family was different. I wasn't really allowed friends over either, my mum was funny about that. But I have never been sexually abused or lost my parents so I am very grateful for that.

[Claire29]

That poem always makes me laugh! I get quite jealous of people with normal families. I was 'dragged up'. My mum and her cousin brought me up while my alcoholic dad was in the pub or knocking off barmaids. I spent most of my time alone, in my room reading while my dad threatened us and called us names. Oh to be normal.. Maybe being brought up dysfunctional means we are destined for more, for better things. I can only hope! Xx

[Eagleheart]

During the entirety of my school years,my mother was never up,getting me breakfast or taking me to the school bus. My Dad left for work very early,so i had to get myself up,breakfasted and walk the mile & a half to primary school,whatever the weather. All the other kids were driven there by their mums.

When i went to secondary school,it was only half a mile to where the bus picked us up,but i walked it alone again.And like before,ALL the other kids were driven & dropped off by their mums.

I was never offered a lift by the mums who drove their kids btw. That was because i was born in England.Back then,attitudes were disgusting.

[dolphin92]

Big hugs Eagleheart I know how damaging things like that can be. My parents never did anything like that for me either. My dad left for work very early too, and my mum never woke me up, didn't do me breakfast, anything like that. It also got to the point where I wasn't allowed to go in the kitchen in the mornings so I couldn't even make myself breakfast. And they never gave me lifts anywhere. There was a lot of things I had to miss out on, because I didn't have the money for transport or it was too far to walk. But I was lucky and my friend's parents would give me lifts to places sometimes which was very kind of them.

[Jeckle88]

This makes me feel awful because for the past year or so ive been in a terrible place and my daughter has gotton herself up and gotton her own breakfast in the mornings, then id send her to school in a taxi. Its only the past week since ive moved that ive been in a much better place, able to get up at 7am and make her breakfast for her before walking her to school. Im worried about the damage ive done to my children because of my illness. Im sorry to hear how your upbringing has effected you, but its opened my eyes to how i need to be as a mother and its the little things (like making them breakfast) that matter, as well as the big things. Big hugs to you

[dolphin92]

You couldn't help that you were in a terrible place so please don't beat yourself up over something that's not your fault Jeckle88. The fact that you feel guilty over it when it wasn't even your fault and that you do do it when you are well enough shows that you are a great mum. Big hugs

[Jeckle88]

Thanks misunderstood that means alot to me. But shes only 5 Shes very mature for her age because of what shes been through with having a poorly mum and an abusive, mostly absent father. Hope its not too late to turn things around. Hugs to you too xxx

[Eagleheart]

Missunderstood- I'm so sorry your childhood was difficult too.I don't think many parents realise that how they treat their kids in the first 6 or 7 years dictates how that "kid" will feel about itself for the rest of its life.

Jeckle- Listen hun,don't beat yourself up about things.You have been through a hard time but already,you are douing things differently. You ARE a good mum.

Lots of love to ALL who have shared on this thread. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jeckle88]

(((eagleheart))) love to you xxxx

[buntsy]

Like these posts I have read, I too had a dysfunctional childhood where I was emotionally and physically abused. No-one takes me seriously and I often feel like giving up completely. Recently I have read some books by Polly Fielding on my kindle. So far I have read 'And This Is My Adopted Daughter,' 'A Mind To Be Free 'and I have just downloaded 'Crossing the Borderline.' She seems to have been through so many of the difficulties that I have come up against in the mental health system, that I do not feel quite so alone. Maybe others will find that the books give them a bit of hope as they do for me. It seems that when we have a disgnosis of BPD we become virtually outcasts and it it so terribly hard to get help.

[Data]

The one thing that sticks in my head is when I was a teenager and I was about to leave the house and I said goodbye to mum. Then I realised I had left my wallet behind, so I went back in and spent 10 minutes finding it. Then I left - or tried to leave - the house silently, but mum stopped me.

"Are you not going to say goodbye?" she said.

"But I said goodbye earlier" I replied.

"But that was ages ago" she said, looking sad "What if you leave the house without saying goodbye to me properly, and then you die? You will then have died without saying goodbye to me!".

[dolphin92]

My mum is quite negative like that too Data. She worries a lot. Like the other day, we were on about uni and she was like "What if you break your leg and can't go back to uni? Or what if you get so depressed that you can't ever get out of bed and have to drop out?" She went through a phase of not going to London and not letting me go either because she thought it would be too dangerous there. She also doesn't like me being outside when it starts to go dark in case I get attacked. Things like that. I know she's just looking out for me though.