Dysfunctional Upbringing

[maddy harper]

i had a disfunctional upbringing too so i think that contributed to my bpd a lot

[buntsy]

It does depend on personality. My younger sister was treated badly as I was but she did not go on to self harm and almost ened up dead. She is made diffrently than me and reacts to situations with rebellion whereas I always caved in and blamed myself

[buntsy]

It does depend on personality. My younger sister was treated badly as I was but she did not go on to self harm and almost ened up dead. She is made diffrently than me and reacts to situations with rebellion whereas I always caved in and blamed myself

sorry I see this post has just repeated itself. I guess i pressed the wrong key!

[buntsy]

The case of Nicola Edgington highlights the danger of all those like myself being regarded as 'dangerous' because we have BPD. In reality we are more of a danger to ourselves than others. Yet the stigma is there. Ignorance is fuelled by fear to the point where we could be further stigmatised by what has happened in this sad case.

[thornyrose]

I had an 'inconsistent' childhood. I put it in quotes because that is what I am told. My parents were wonderful but they were alcoholics. When sober they were fantastic....when drunk they were not.

I have two children and I have tried to make their lives better......but I am a worrier. I would never say anything like the post above "What ifyou die" but I will worry "What if I die"

So far my kids seem ok!

Thornyrose

[Eagleheart]

Even though she has been dead for 7 months,she still makes me feel like a piece of shit.That's how ingrained her negative conditioning is. Will i ever break free from the chains she put me in? Over the past week-10 days,she has been accusing me of purposely letting her die.Every morning,i get up & the guilt is a physical weight,pressing the life out of me.From then until the moment i crash out at night,her accusations play like a tape,on a loop. It never goes away.I am getting closer & closer to harming,just to get her to shut up.I actually feel like i am gradually going insane.

Why can't i be allowed to live out the rest of my wretched life in peace? I promise i will do my best to be invisible.I'm good at that.

Shut the fuck up & leave me alone,can't you? This is killing me

[Jelly-bean]

hi i have been on and off this topic ..... but feeling a little brave enough to say yes i was raised if you could call it that by parents that didn't want me, i was abused ............ sorry eagle had a change of heart .. hope you understand xox

[Eagleheart]

(((Jelly-bean)))

Thankyou so much for feeling safe enough to share.Having read what you endured,i can say whole-heartedly that you are an amazing human being & a brilliant mum.

Much love and thanks again.xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Pickle59]

I really want to write here but I keep gagging.................((((((((Eagleheart and everyone here))))))))

[Data]

A lot of brave people here for sharing these things

[angel tears]

I was brought up in an abusive, dysfunctional home. My dad was physically and mentally abusive and my mum was neglectful too. All they ever did was argue with their parents and the relationship with our grand parents was always very stormy, i hated it. My dad hurt me a lot but i always stuck with my nana no matter what everybody else said. She was like my mum and she passed away when i was 20. I still think of her as my mum now. Neither of my parents have anything to do with me and my sister only contacts me with texts... that's it for my family. It has caused me huge problems as an adult. The home was a very aggressive place to be. My mental health problems were made fun of and i was bullied a lot. I have a son but he lives with his dad as i got pni and i couldn't cope. We have a good relationship now and i would love another child but it frightens me to death. I always feel so shit inside and i am frightened that i won't be good enough for my child but i am the only one in this family who cares and shows compassion. I am patient and loving with my son...... maybe i need to re-think my fears.

xxx

[Eagleheart]

Been thinking about my past and realised that mother tried to sabotage every relationship i ever had. She would phone my boyfriend's mum and tell them that they had to do something to split us up. She did it when i started seeing my hubby.He mistakenly let my cat out (it was an indoor cat) and mother went mental,screaming at him to get out of her house.She swore at him and threw him out.But her plan backfired because i left with him. I made a break for it.She wasn't going to ruin my relationship this time.I HAD to escape.

She was so infuriated at me for leaving,and at my partner for taking her servant away,that she told people he was a drug dealer. All LIES LIES LIES.

I don't think i can un-do the damage she caused me over my life.I seem doomed to feel like the lowest life-form for the rest of my days.

[Orpyz]

I remember having quite a subversive English teacher who gave me that poem when I was at school and i loved it so much that I kept it in a secret journal. I didn't even know why at the time. Unfortunately my mother used to obsessively search my bedroom (every nook and cranny) and found it. She went mental. I lived in a total state of denial about my childhood and idealised it. Basically my parents were absent - my father through work and both my parents through their socialising, leaving us with strangers for long periods of time and with no notice. We would come back from school and find out suitcases packed. Most of my childhood I have actually forgotten - my brother tells me about these things. I overdosed for the first time at 17 (while they were off on one of their holidays). My poor younger brother aged 15 took me to the hospital in an ambulance and waited while my stomach was pumped out. I was discharged three days later after being sedated and strapped down to the hospital bed, suffering hallucinations with no follow up whatsoever and the whole thing was just brushed under the carpet. I could go on forever with my tales of self-pity but basically I wasn't diagnosed with EUPD until I was in my forties and that was only because i happened to marry a community psychiatric nurse who began to uncover what had happened (it is my second marriage). I actually wish that I hadn't had children. Not because I don't love them but because I am petrified that I have just 'handed on misery to man' like the Larkin poem says. My 17 year old daughter has lived with her father since she was 11 years old and self-harms and he refuses to address the problem (I have tried to intervene but have been blocked) and my 19 year old son lives with my parents. The guilt I feel as a mother is so horrendous. I didn't realise how traumatic writing this would be. Sorry for going off the subject a bit.

[Eagleheart]

(((Orpyz)))

Thank you so much for sharing your story.No need to apologise.This place is a safe haven where you can speak about all your hurts. You shouldn't give yourself such a hard time hun. Re-read your own post ; you have endured a hellish past.A lot of people would have been destroyed,beyond help. But you are a true SURVIVOR and that's inspirational.

Keep sharing hun.You will not be judged.You will be supported.xxx

[Orpyz]

Thank you so much Eagleheart xx

[ruffryder]

my childhood was pretty dysfunctional. my parents split when i was 5, then my dad just focused on his own life. we see him on weekends but it was always down the pub. he was never there emotionaly my brother and sister got on with him ok but i never connected with him. he was a geezer and all he cared about was drugs and violence iv tried but never been able to meet up to that

my mum met someone new, and the first few years were ok we had things. but they turned to smoking cannabis then on to heroin. things got pretty bad there was never any food everything went on drugs. she started neglecting us going for days sometimes weeks leaving us to fend for ourselves. this started when i was about 8 my brother turned to crime and supported me and him,and i just sat in my room smoking cannabis.

i found out last year my dad is not my dad so explains why i have no connection with him. no one seems to know anything about my bio logical dad and i feel like a part of me is missing. i think the lack of emotional support from my dad has made an impact on some of my sexuality problems and that makes me very suicidal.

i think most of us have had something go wrong in our childhoods. its a shame our parents can be so selfish but at least i know if i have kids i wont treat them like my parents have treated me

[Lily-Bee]

Eagle,I hear you about your mums voice still playing in your head,the guilt etc.

If youre told certain things over and over growing up you internalize it,it becomes your inner voice. Thats just one of the reasons loving parents are so important for proper development.

I think it may just be one of the hardest things to do;move away from what you where taught.

I dont know if I will ever truly lose the guilt and such Ive been ingrained with.But we can lessen its effects on us by reminding ourselves of what we believe to be true,not what our parents said,by surrounding ourselves with people that encourage us and are healthy for us and I think also by seeing our parents as they truly where/are;not almighty beings but mostly damaged,misguided creatures that didnt know better. Which is also why I forgive my parents.

[EmilyStrange]

I'm confused about my childhood. On the surface, people would say my childhood was good... we had the nicest house on the street.. large property with fields. My parents weren't poor, and definitely spoiled my sister and I. We never had chores and if we wanted extra money on top of our pocket money, they would pay us to do the dishes or clean our rooms.

However my mum had a very nasty temper. She has always been very moody. I remember her washing my mouth out with soap and water, and hitting me when she lost her temper if I was bad or whatever... I remember an incident where she threw me against a wall and I fell to the ground and pretended to be unconscious so that she would be sorry. I remember dad telling her to stop, but she just raged on him too. I walked in on a fight when I was a kid where she threw hot coffee on him.

When I was a teenager I started to physically fight back, and I got into counselling. Sometimes she left bruises on me.. and I tried to get on independent living.

Their parenting was inconsistent in many ways. Her moods swings were bad. It was a must that I attend school, but homework wasn't reenforced, and dad always covered for me when I skipped school in junior high and high school. It was a must that I graduate high school though, and mum always was always obsessive about looking into my eyes and questioning me like it was the Spanish Inquisition after a night out with friends to make sure I wasn't on drugs. But she used to obsessively snoop through my room and read my diary, and was an angry woman. This led me to be a be a lazy, unmotivated person who developed BPD as a result.

I say that i'm confused about my childhood, because I am reading a book about BPD, and it says that children with BPD often are more sensitive than other children and will grow up to have different recollections and parents are often falsely accused. I'm trying to sort it out in my head right now, and it's one of the reasons that I just can't deal with my parents right now. I can't even deal with it in counselling.... I get angry when the counsellor brings my parents up, and I tell him that I just want to drop the subject and talk about something else.