Becca95 Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 I don't know how many people have read my other posts so here's a quick brief: I suffer from anxiety and I have an eating disorder, they have completely taken over my life. I had to drop out of college about 5 weeks ago and I have been trying for about 2 weeks to go back. So I had my first hypnotherapy session last week and it was great! I still suffer with anxiety but I haven't had a full blown attack since. Now anxiety is not the main problem, my eating disorder has got so much harder I have to admit that I do give up quite easily, but it's just like I can't even try to eat, I don't want to eat- mainly because of my fear of being sick. I just can't stomach food, I can't stand it. I would love to just not eat because I feel better. However, for me to go into college I have to eat breakfast in the morning otherwise I'm not allowed in by my parents (I'm only 17). I get up every morning with the intention of going in but I know deep down I probably won't go in. I'm anxious but I'm able to manage it, however I just feel like if I was to even try eating everything would spiral out of control. I always have the thought of college on my mind because I used to have panic attacks there. I guess I'm just scared of going back because I don't know what's going to happen. I feel if I didn't have to eat then I could go in with little or no problems. But I just don't seem to have it in me to try and eat. It's getting harder and harder, I'm just so tired of it all and I suppose I'm giving up. I have a boyfriend who I love so much but I haven't been able to see him because he's not allowed round because of my anxiety and eating issues. I just want to get to college and see him and all my friends but it just seems impossible. I feel so guilty and such a failure because I know he gets a bit upset and annoyed when I don't go in. People just don't think I'm trying, which I know is true to some extent but because I'm always trying to talk myself into eating I kinda feel like I am trying. Anyway the point is, there have been some heated and emotional dissuasions between me and my parents, mum in particular because dads at work. Mum keeps saying she just can't do this anymore, she can't keep trying to get me to eat because I just shut down and refuse it. I'm close to having to leave college all together, this means I risk losing my boyfriend and I won't have the bright future I want in life. More importantly they're saying I'm going to have to go to hospital or a residential place if this goes on any longer because I'm getting worse. I am now taking 2+ hours just to eat a meal, especially breakfast. I just sit there for most of the time staring at things feeling hopeless. I just feel so trapped and scared because I'm so close to losing so much and my life is close to ruins but I feel I can't do anything more about it. I just feel useless and hopeless. I just want to get back to college so much but I can't get over this hurdle and the more time I fail, the quicker my life goes down the drain. I don't know what else to do, eating seems an impossible task, even drinking. I just have no fight left, I just hate it. I don't really know why I'm writing this here to be honest but I just needed to let everything out because I feel so desperate! :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Another thing I want to add is I am struggling with the amount of food I am having to have now. I need to increase this amount if I want to put on weight right? However, I'm not even getting 1000 calories a day, so how on earth am I meant to manage with more food?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 The added pressure of your mother is not helping. When they demand you eat and drink what are they expecting you to eat? A full portion or what? Because to overcome this you will have to start small, very small. Even if it's just half a glass of orange juice and some apple segments or half a slice of toast or some soup at lunch/ yoghurt etc. If you are forced to take it too fast of course you're going to feel pressured and feel less like eating. Is your mum getting any support? Maybe she should consider counselling as she'll have her own fears and issues which need to be dealt with so they don't cloud her actions towards you. *hugs* i'm sorry you're feeling so bad. But if you did end up in reisdential and worked hard and got better you could always go back to college... just cos you don't do things how you feel you should doesn't mean that you're not allowed a life and a good future. You need a stable foundation before you build your skyscraper! It does sounds very hard Becca and I can see you trying very hard. If the hypnotherapy worked for your anxiety could you ask them to do something with regards to your eating? Maybe change the feelings and the anxiety around it? *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks Kitsune, She's not adding pressure as such, shes just desperately trying to get me to eat, which I understand. To tell the truth I hardly eat anything so she's doing her best to keep me alive practically. I have counselling sessions, of which she attends every single one with me and likes to be in the loop about everything. I don't have a problem with my parents, the only problem is with myself. I know Im making them very worried and upset at the moment. Yes, my next hypnotherapy session is tomorrow and she said she would try and help me with the eating sides of things. I just hope it works because I honestly can't stand this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 (((huggles))) i have eating disorders as well so i know how distructive they can be On a person Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted March 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Thanks Maddy. Hope you recover soon *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 i've struggled with anorexia and bulimia for the last 14 years on and off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 How did the session go Becca? How're you feeling today? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted March 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 Thats such a shame to hear Maddy *hugs*, I hope you to find hope soon Thanks for asking Kitsune, my session was good, I just opened up to her about everything and I did feel relieved that someone knew pretty much everything. However, she worked on my anxiety again just to make sure it is definitely in my head that I can deal with it etc. She will work on my eating disorder next week. Meanwhile, today I had another counselling session and things are getting more serious, I have lost almost a kilogram in a week and I am finding eating and drinking anything an almost impossible task. So, I know I need to force myself more than ever now. I just hope I haven't done to much damage.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fabulousmrsfox Posted March 11, 2013 Report Share Posted March 11, 2013 IMHO your parents, though perhaps well-intentioned, are being rather unhelpful in not allowing your boyfriend to visit- having loved ones outwith the family round to visit is bound to help matters I reckon! And I'm not sure what you meant, but is she sitting in on your counselling sessions?! Or just giving you a lift there and back but allowing you a bit of privacy? If it's the former that seems so wrong to me, you *need* privacy with your counsellor so the session becomes a safe space for you, and you're not scared to talk about things for fear of upsetting your mum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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