Been Stupid

[jayjay4466]

Feeling empty and exposed today. Don't know how to shake it off. I feel like I've made a very bad choice, that's blown up in my face.

Someone reached out to me, and I listened to my heart instead of my head- something I would never do when I'm well.

We were both struggling, and it was nice to talk- comforting. Someone was there who understood, to a degree, how I was feeling, and I felt I understood them too.

It cheered me up. And her. It felt nice, and I haven't felt nice about anything for a while now.

There was a voice of reason in my head though- very muffled and faint- the voice I would normally listen to. It was telling me that there were some very good reasons why this was a bad idea. No good would come of it.

I even raised those concerns with her- tried to disengage at one point. It was half-hearted though; I didn't want to disengage- I feel so low most of the time and a big part of me needed the connection. I allowed myself to be reassured.

Now she's gone AWOL with no explanation. I don't know for sure, but I can't help thinking its for one of the reasons that the voice in my head told me about.

So I'm worried about whether she's ok, and feeling terrible that I might be the cause of some problem for her. And, yes, selfishly, I feel alone again- a bit used and discarded. That's probably unfair, but I can't help feeling it all the same.

Nothing I can do about the situation. I just felt the need to share.

I hate this illness.

Thank you for reading. Hope you are all ok.

[Jeckle88]

Hugs JayJay I really hope things sort themselves out xxx

[jayjay4466]

Thanks Jeckle, I appreciate that.

Feeling a lot of confusing emotions right now. I guess what will be will be.

[Jeckle88]

Things have a way of working out, if its meant to be then it will be, if not then you can put it down as a learnt lesson. I understand how its easy to connect to people when your feeling low, emotions always tend to get in the way. But im sure if she values your friendship she will come round.

Try not to beat yourself up about it hun (I know, easier said than done!) Maybe try and use some distractions x

[ZMeister]

How long has it been since you've heard from this person? Did you know them well before?

I totally relate to the feeling exposed thing, for sure. I'm always hesitant to open up to people when I'm in need because I'm afraid they'll run for the hills. Sort of like they'll go, "Okaaaay then, well...I'll be seein' you around." [not in those words, but I imagine theyre thinking it. ] And then you don't hear from them anymore, or they distance themselves.

And then I feel like a total idiot. Once again I've opened up and managed to frighten off a prospective friend because I didn't know how much is too much. I lose more friends that way. It's embarrassing, humiliating and makes me feel hurt, abandoned and misunderstood.

If I could just find a way to make myself shut the hell up when enough is enough, or even a way to know when enough is enough. I can't tell, and if I ask, people think I'm weird for that too. Or I'll worry that they will.

I'm sorry if this post is self-centered. What I mean to convey to you is my way of relating to your experience that I hope you can relate to. So you don't feel so alone.

[jayjay4466]

@Jeckle: Thanks again Jeckle. It is hard not to beat myself up, but i'll try not to. I know that my intentions were good, but we all know what they say about good intentions!

@ZMeister: I don't think your post is self-centred at all- its actually comforting to read that you've experienced similar situations. Its hard not to just "shut up shop" when these things happen, to protect yourself, but I'm not really built like that.

Thanks both of you for taking the time to reply. It helps a little.

[Kitsune]

Hi Jay Jay, hope you feel better soon. I understand you telling yourself that it wasn't a good idea to open up to them- it's that fight between the brain and the heart. However you need to be careful that you don't just use your head to rule your heart and keep you safe all the time- this is something that I do and I'm sure you're no stranger to it. When you let your head rule all the time it is a lonely and controlled place which can hurt you in the long run, when you let your heart rule all the time it is an empassioned place to be but can hurt you a lot too! Finding that middle ground is so hard at times, but it will come with practice : )

How confusing it is! I'm not even sure how people without mental health issues manage it- and they certainly don't al the time. You're human, is is natural for you to want to reach out to people, and it's obvious that you felt a connection with her and wanted to open up and bond to her. That's perfectly normal and what anyone would do, regardless of mental health issues or not.

Some issues do tend to flare up at times, perhaps part of her issues is the push and pull cycle - she has opened up to you and suddenly for some reason buried very deep down she has gotten scared in opening up and now needs time away to process it. This cycle can be very hurtful for the other person- but it is not a reflection on you at all, it just reflects her fear.

I had a similar experience when I met a girl at the theatre a few years ago. Normally I find it very har dot bond to other girls so I thought myself lucky to find a girl I seemed to get on with so well. In just one night she seemed to have told me so much (to the point it made ME uncomfortable) and I opened up to her. It felt great! Maybe how you felt? A certain type of elation and a feeling that, yes! someone knows how I feel and understands! This is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship...

We exchanged phone numbers and agreed we should go for a drink sometime. When I texted her later asking if she wanted to meet up she blanked me. It hurt, a lot, and pissed me off. Made me feel stupid for reaching out.

It took a therapy session and a lot of thinking to realise that I think we had both scared each other and run off in opposite directions- evidently I scared her more than she scared me! She late tried to use me to spy on her boyfriend which /i haven't managed to let go of. After a few years of knowing her at the theatre and from views of other people it just seems that she has a fair few mental health issues and ways of behaving that she doesn't seem to think is a problem but causes annoyance for other people.

So I want you to know that I understand, I have quite a few relationships with others that have been a great let down and hurtful to boot. But I also have relationships in my life which are worthwhile. It took a lot of meeting people and failing to find the good ones! And I'm still not 'there' yet due to my own issues.

Perhaps you could take this experience as evidence that you can reach out and meet people who do make you feel good and do understand you, that it isn't bad to think with your heart at times but that the balance between your head and heart needs to be struck? And it's unfortunate that this happened this time- but what do you think you have learned from it?

When you find someone that you believe you can bond to in future maybe you could tell them you want to take it slowly, talk about stuff but put personal stuff into the mix bit by bit, that way it matures slowly and you can see if the relationship is flowering to both your satisfactions? And there is nothing wrong with asking them how they feel about the relationship between you both and if they have any fears. you showed you could speak of your fears in the conversation you had with this person and that is excellent! It's something many people (myself included) struggle to do.

If this person contacts you do you think you'll tell them how you feel and how hurt you are? Perhaps that may be an idea. I don't think you need to feel guilty about contributing to their problems as it probably doesn't have anything to do with you and it's their issue, not yours. You are not responsible for their emotions and how they choose to react to things!

I hope that this post helped Jay Jay, you're obviously a very sensitive and caring individual and I'm sorry that you're hurting and confused. Can you do some of your favourite things or things that you like to do to distract yourself for a bit? Maybe write a letter about how you are feeling, just to try and get it out?

I hope that I haven't caused any offence in my ramblings! Feel free to PM if you need.

*warm hugs*

[ZMeister]

Thank you, Kitsune. I benefited from your reply as well. You reminded me of what I forget [over and over ]: I'm not responsible for other people's emotions and reactions.

[Kitsune]

Thank you, Kitsune. I benefited from your reply as well. You reminded me of what I forget [over and over ]: I'm not responsible for other people's emotions and reactions.

Don't worry, I sing the mantra too- but practicing it and actually feeling it is a lot harder, still haven't got to grips with it yet!

[jayjay4466]

Thank you so much for your advice Kitsune! Much of what you say I know to be true, but when I feel like this I find myself doubting even the most basic truths, so its something of a relief to have them confirmed by someone else!

I do find that middle ground between head and heart a difficult place to inhabit for any length of time- instead I seem to veer between the two extremes.

Thank you too for your kind words. I feel better for the fact that you all have taken the time and trouble to respond to me.

Its much appreciated!

[maddy harper]

(((huge hugs))) hope things pick up for u soon and that your issue gets resolved

[jayjay4466]

Well, I have been stupid, but not in the way I originally thought.....

She's made contact again and there was a simple, innocent explanation for her not being around. She's fine, we're fine and it was just my head bombarding me with negativity, as it has a habit of doing at the moment.

So all is well, thank goodness, and I'm sorry for making a drama when there wasn't one! I found your support very touching though- honestly- this site is actually helping me keep my head above water at the moment, so thank you all very much.

[Jeckle88]

Pleased to hear it You must be relieved x

[jayjay4466]

Very relieved Jeckle!

Just wondering what I'm going to get paranoid about tomorrow now!

Thanks for yesterday

[ZMeister]

Well, I have been stupid, but not in the way I originally thought.....

She's made contact again and there was a simple, innocent explanation for her not being around. She's fine, we're fine and it was just my head bombarding me with negativity, as it has a habit of doing at the moment.

So all is well, thank goodness, and I'm sorry for making a drama when there wasn't one! I found your support very touching though- honestly- this site is actually helping me keep my head above water at the moment, so thank you all very much.

Ah..the ol' 'curse of the worst case scenario.' Don't feel bad. I go there lots and never seem to learn. I don't think you were being dramatic. You were just doubtful and seeking support. At least you did that instead of bombarding her with texts or calls 'demanding' to know what's wrong, what you did, what happened, etc. I have a hard time not doing that and when I do, I end up sabotaging friendships and creating self-fulfilled prophecies.

[SoppyCow96]

i wouldnt mind if he bombarded me with txts

[Pickle59]

(((jayjay4466))) I'm really glad that all is well .xxx

[Kitsune]

Aw Jay Jay, am glad to hear that you feel better and it all came out ok in the end! I think most of us are familiar with the worst cast scenario and the 'oh god they're mad at me/ i did something wrong' way of thinking. I did that just yesterday, thinking I'd annoyed my friend as they didn't text back when I think now they were just driving home!

[StephanieIngram]

Nice post jayjay!