Trust

[walker]

TRUST

You say 'trust us'

or it is unsaid

but expected

you expect so much from us

all of you

ALL of you

you make promises

say you will call

will meet

will talk

will read

SILENCE

it doesnt happen

there is a space

in our head

where that meeting should have been

where that phone should have rung

that space hangs

for as long as it can

by the threads of trust

that we have

tentatively

strung

around

it

space

falls

fills as it falls

fills and fills

until it is no longer space

spacegonetrustgone

something now in that place

a huge and confused something

full of doubt, fear, anger, disappointment,

resignation, impotence, blame, hurt

a large, solid, something

bulging with distress

through the threads,

no,

mesh,

of the voices

that hold it

those damned voices

clawing their tongues into us

weaving their dictatorship

in out in out

of our

pain

voices

from the past

from the present

voices

known

and unknown

we must understand

we must realise

we must

must

see how the real world functions

'how people are busy

you know

people may forget

you know

people may

may

may'

AH !!

OF COURSE

silly silly little space

why didnt you realise

how small

and insignificant

you are

in the lives of others

NOW

'adapt yourself

to the

real world

that real world

is far too busy

to adapt to you'

AND TRUST

trust should be

the ground we stand upon

the wall we lean on

the view we see

our trust

is

dust

[AmyP]

very powerful xx

[imdebbiem]

yes I found this very moving, walker. xxx

[jayjay4466]

I found that very powerful, and also very enlightening.

I feel that you have expressed so evocatively how sometimes our thoughts can turn these instances into something so huge inside our heads that it pushes out all else.

Thank you for posting this Walker.

[walker]

thankyou for reading and appreciating

it is written

because of all the times mh staff fail us

(NOT the team at unit, who are mostly brilliant even though they say they are failing us atm - but then they are prepared to look at themselves as learning too)

just others

mh and dom. violence support

people who 'promise' to call

promise to sort things

promise to offer things

then nothing happens

or they fk it up

or get it all wrong

or lie

then WE are expected to understand

to accomodate

to excuse

us

US

the ones who are ill (apparently)

or abused

or both

WE have to accept and adapt to everyones failings

but they dont have to adapt to us

oh no no

because we are being

'ill - paranoid - too sensitive - unrealistic - too demanding - neurotic - too black and white - taking things too literally - MAKING A FUSS ........'

it was the same while we were in hospital

SO WHEN DO YOU EVER HAVE TO LEARN AND ADAPT YOUR BEHAVIOUR TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR US

FOR THOSE OF US ILL WITH BPD - OR WHATEVER

FOR THOSE OF US WHOSE HEADS ARE FKD UP AND SCARED AND CRYING OUT FOR PEOPLE TO TRUST

would they tell a blind man he should look where he's going - or would they help guide him

WHY WHY WHY ARE WE ALWAYS IN THE WRONG

FOR FK SAKE

[walker]

oh poo does no one else feel like this?

forget the stupid poem at the start

we should have posted somewhere else

we want to know if others feel like this thats all really

or are we totally getting it wrong and it SHOULD be us that meets where everyone else is apparently already at

[Pickle59]

(((Walker))) I get this and how you are feeling. Totally. There is nothing worse in my book than people promising things or saying they will do things, whatever it might be and then not doing it, especially without explanation. An example of this I'd like to share with you, because I put myself in those little boys shoes..............and he could have been me and I know how I would have felt if I hadn't done what I said I would do and had promised him.................

I was staying with some friends overnight.............they have two young boys...........4 and 2.............The four year old I totally identify with...............he is highly intelligent but emotionally very very fragile...............he gets confused easily by mixed messaging........people saying things.............and then not doing them............yes parents in this case...............they are not bad parents..........they are good parents...........but they are tired and exhausted and say things just to fob off or do another time...........the little boy remembers what they say...............they fob off again or forget..........because they are tired and exhausted...........not because they are bad............but because they are tired.............BUT they don't realise the impact of their actions and words on that particular little boy..............he is getting more and more upset because people aren't doing what they say they will do.................I can see this and totally understand it................SO...........little boy is quite upset..........He played Art Glow on my phone..........he loved it.........but it was near bedtime........and parents wanted him to go to bed...........I promised him that I would do the Art Glow thing with him the following morning..............he went to bed..............I went to bed.............The first thing he asked in the morning was could we do the Art glow............and of course I knew the importance to that little boy for me to honour my word.............and of course I said yes...........You seee....................I wasn't just fobbing him off to try and get him to go to bed by saying we would do it the following morning..............I meant it..............and I knew how much this meant to him too...........The parents said to me, not out of malice or being bad..............Oh you don't have to do that.............and I said..........YES I do...................It is important and necessary.................I do understand Walker.xxx

[walker]

thank you pickle

thank you

we dont promise things

we try very very hard not to promise things

because we dont trust ourselves

we dont trust we will feel like doing them when the time comes

we are told off for taking things too literally

but why are we bad for that?

why are we bad for being what is inside us what is just bloody well inside us

we have spent our whole life trying to be what they all demand

we were born wrong

we didnt mean to be we just were

and all those fking people smile and say

- oh you must understand, we were busy, something more important, more urgent came up ........

and all that says to us is

YOU DONT MATTER WALKER

and since our whole life it has been drummed into us that its our parents job do deal with us and no one elses and that we DONT REALLY MATTER TO ANYONE ELSE

so all these instances, all these lost spaces, all these broken trusts

they just constantly reafirm that we are bad, too demanding, wrong, making a fuss and DONT MATTER

and

IT BLOODY WELL HURTS

(but of course it shouldnt should it so thats wrong too)

[Silverwolf]

Your writing was very moving Walker and as for what you asked in your further post does anyone else feel like that - yeah I do to. I think i even did a vent about it in the past too!

For me it's like, 'don't say it if you don't mean it', what's the point of saying it otherwise!

My cpn use to say it was the 'polite thing to do, like social glue, and that the world would be a very empty place without it'.

Dunno, I think the world might be a more sincere place without it.

There are times there's the exception though:

I've now learned that if someone asks 'does my bum look big in this?'

that they are not really asking cos of wanting to know the truth,

they are asking cos they want reassurance and need confidence,

so it is more helpful in that situation to say 'no'.

I guess it's the trying to understand the reason behind the statement/question from others, and that's where I quite often fall down because it's trying to imagine the others state of mind and motives.

But *hugs* walker, totally get what yer on about mate and it's not much fun.

x

[Apollo 13]

TRUST

You say 'trust us'

or it is unsaid

but expected

you expect so much from us

all of you

ALL of you

you make promises

say you will call

will meet

will talk

will read

SILENCE

it doesnt happen

there is a space

in our head

where that meeting should have been

where that phone should have rung

that space hangs

for as long as it can

by the threads of trust

that we have

tentatively

strung

around

it

space

falls

fills as it falls

fills and fills

until it is no longer space

spacegonetrustgone

something now in that place

a huge and confused something

full of doubt, fear, anger, disappointment,

resignation, impotence, blame, hurt

a large, solid, something

bulging with distress

through the threads,

no,

mesh,

of the voices

that hold it

those damned voices

clawing their tongues into us

weaving their dictatorship

in out in out

of our

pain

voices

from the past

from the present

voices

known

and unknown

we must understand

we must realise

we must

must

see how the real world functions

'how people are busy

you know

people may forget

you know

people may

may

may'

AH !!

OF COURSE

silly silly little space

why didnt you realise

how small

and insignificant

you are

in the lives of others

NOW

'adapt yourself

to the

real world

that real world

is far too busy

to adapt to you'

AND TRUST

trust should be

the ground we stand upon

the wall we lean on

the view we see

our trust

is

dust

Just had to quote the whole.....because the half of the Mona Lisa wouldn't have had the same number of Plaudits as it received.........and sadly neither will this....although it it every bit a masterpiece!!

this writing, nay craft, is just off the chart.....this is pure poetry with subcontext........a beautiful creation with analogy thrown in for fun............ a vision and analysis of all that is wrong with modern society.........all neatly wrapped up in a clinically deniable package.....................this should go straight to Hollywood as only they are capable of telling more lies than any British Government.

Walker.....I never believed in the existence of Goddesses....until now!!

So what do we call you????

[walker]

goddesses

!!!!!!!!!!

oh apollo what do we say

but smile

we could not begin to write so well as you

so we need to say its rubbish not good not anything close to what you hold it up to be

its ok

we know our reality is failed flawed and deluded

but people have told us that if we say their flatery is inaccurate and wrong

then we are saying they are wrong, and lying

we are not trying to say that - not at all

we NEED people to affirm what we write

even if others inside us laugh and condemn our words

we would love to be a great poet

well - parts would

but that is yet another thing that will never come about

sometimes we write and feel triumphant of our masterpiece as it encompasses our pain so clearly

yet later we will return and read and not know where it came from or why

cant think what you would want to call us

as we are different

each of us

[maddy harper]

THATS REALLY WELL WRITTEN WALKER... YOU SHOULD CONSIDDR POETRY REALLY... I THINK YOU'D BE REALL GOOD AT IT

[walker]

oh maddy

thats so sweet of you

thankyou so much xx

[Pickle59]

(((Walker))) I want to say too, that your poem here, with its message is a work of Art and really powerful.xxx Forgot to say earlier.xxxxxxxxxx

[Apollo 13]

we would love to be a great poet

well - parts would

but that is yet another thing that will never come about

And yet, dear heart, YOU ARE ALREADY THAT, and that is the least of you, for you are SO much more....shall it be Goddesses then?!!

If you knew me well Walker, you would know, flattery is not a tool I would use.....not entirely black and white, but Honesty makes me few friends and plenty more enemies........such is life, for Humans amongst all the Primates, are the most conniving of all............and not in my Top Ten of the Planet's most lovable creatures.

Keep believing in YOU......for they are not YOU, can never be YOU, can never aspire to be YOU......and should only be afraid of YOU..........and the more YOU's there are the more there is to be afraid of!! :)

YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT AND SPECIAL..................keep that in mind...................you are the Wayne Rooney of the Poetry World.............keep writing those classics and they may well pay you £120K a week!!!

Tx