Tired Of My Ed

[ILostHer]

This last one has lasted a good three years now and I am sick of it. All I just ate was broccoli and I had to throw it up. I have screwed my body up so whatever I eat my body grabs hold of it and I put weight on.

I'm not a binger, I eat low amounts of food, but there is this punishment everyday when I weigh myself. A few months ago I was 7 stone. I don't know what has happened.

Does any one have the answer? What can I eat? I drink booze to replace food. I just don't know what the answer is. Can anyone help?

[AmyP]

I imagine you still weigh hardly anything hun. Have you had any help for your ED?

I dont have a proper ed. But i understand the thoughts. The fear the obsession. One moment you have a 'realisation' and want to get better. The next you think what was i thinking i nearly failed. The absolute dread when you step on the scales and youv gone up, even a tiny amount.

Are you asking what will make you lose weight, or what will get you out of it hun? xx

[ILostHer]

I am desperate all of the time to lose weight pandora, but they put me on anti psychotics and I have screwed it all up. I have stopped the tablets, I eat nothing but raw broccoli, and yet my body is punishing me by putting weight on. I don't know how much more I can starve myself xxx

[AmyP]

(((ilosther))) im not sure then hun sorry :/ could it be water retention? xxx

[ILostHer]

Probably is, I have messed up my metabolism. I have begged my psych for ritalin again but he won't give me any xxx

[humblelulu]

I'm the same! Yesterday for instance all I had was a small bit of carrot soup, and today I'm the same weight as I was yesterday. Sometimes being the same weight as the day before can upset me just as much as gaining. I understand how you feel. I get so frustrated and upset that no matter how little i eat, i seem to maintain or gain these days.

However at one point I managed to up my intake to about 600 calories (that was a big leap for me, as i normally have nothing all day until something in the evenings, which I purge anyway). and although for the first day or two i maintained. I did eventually lose weight (at a more healthier steady pace). Im not saying this to give you advice on how to lose weight, im just saying that it IS possible to eat more and not gain weight. I mean, my attempt to recover ended up coming to a stand still due to emotional problems triggering me, so i've since gone back to my usual..eating very very little.

Even though I KNOW that despite once being convinced id screwed my body up so much that it would make me gain if i ate anything, that it IS possible for people even like us, to actually eat more than we do, and not gain at all . There is hope! If you are a very low weight it's best to gain some weight though so you get to a healthy weight range, but I know saying that makes me a complete hypocrite. I can at least acknowledge that it's the right thing though.

The thing I found was that our way of thinking is completely wrong. It isnt that we 'screwed' our bodies up so much that now whatever we eat will make us get fat. It's not like that at all. Its just that when you give the body so little food, it clings onto whatever you give it, it goes into starvation mode. Although I haven't had the courage yet to up my intake again ('im working up to that again) I did find that having 3 meals a day REALLY helps. I know thats a big ask for someone with an ed. trust me I know. thats why when i did it, i worked up with very small portions. so lets say i had a little bit of porrage in the morning, then for lunch i had a low fat yogurt, then at dinner i had a a little bit of cooked pasta. or maybe some couscous and a slice of Quorn. So even though i wasnt able to eat full normal sized meals to begin with, i still made sure i had 3 meals (of what ever size). it's good to eat regularly, and also once you get used to eating 3 times a day, the fear of eating weakens a bit, of course it doesnt go, but it gets much easier to cope with and doesnt feel as scary. After awhile I did up my intake a little bit more. but in the end, like i said, due to emotional problems at the time, i relapsed back to old ways. But doing the '3 meals a day' thing really helped me. I became used to eating a bit more, and regularly, and as the fear of food wasn't as intense as it had been due to the meals i was getting used to, I was able to fight urges to be sick, that I even went effortlessly purge FREE for 3 weeks. that was a serious record and achievement for me, seeing as i've purged every day since i was about 15. (im now 23). So IF i was able to do it, (with all the damage i've done to my body over the years!) then so can you . I urg you to not give up hope! Please please try having 3 meals a day, just do it for a few days or a week, set yourself a goal, to just try it for at least that time period, and see how you get on. It doesnt matter how big those meals are to begin with, they can be something small. but as long as you make sure to eat at breakfast, lunch and dinner. then as time goes by, slowly up the intake when you feel comfortable. I was hesitant, but once I did it, i was actually suprised at how I didnt gain weight, and if anything I lost weight!

If you want to talk to me for support or just need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me xxx You're not alone x

[Benway]

Hi ILH,

Can relate to this, I abused Ritalin some years ago, and loved how it made me loose weight and never feel hungry. When I couldn't get it anymore there was a rebound effect, as well as depression from coming off it.

When I would be 'weight watching' (i.e. being obsessive & weighing myself in the nip before breakfast) just staying the same or a tiny gain would ruin my day. It's a horrible way to be.

I think lulu gave really good advice re: eating above. Cos if you don't eat, don't get protein everyday, you start to feel like crap mentally- depressed and lethargic. Eating 3 tiny meals a day might get your metabolism moving again- 'little & often'.

Take care xx am

[ILostHer]

Thank you Lulu and Badkitteh,

I just can't deal with the food in my stomach again. I was bulimic for about 20 years on and off, but managed to stop it after I saw a horrible picture. But now it's come back, even though I know veg are ok I still need them out of me.

Lulu, I SO get it about being the same weight the next day. I was this morning but it was an ok weight so it just encourages me even more to starve. It's odd that the calories from my drinking don't seem to have an affect.

I don't think I could eat three meals a day, it would be too much and I would purge. At the moment I live on raw broccoli or I cook it if I can be bothered and still I don't lose weight. I am seriously thinking of getting ritalin elsewhere. That is so bad I know.

Thank you for replying. Both of you xxx

[genebernice]

I am desperate all of the time to lose weight pandora, but they put me on anti psychotics and I have screwed it all up. I have stopped the tablets, I eat nothing but raw broccoli, and yet my body is punishing me by putting weight on. I don't know how much more I can starve myself xxx

Hi,

Don't use weight loss pills, because they are dangerous to health. For weight loss, green tea is the best drink. It works well for me. Eating disorders starts when you have less or more quantity of food, when compared to normal quantity that you have daily.

[ILostHer]

What does the green tea do? I have had it before.

I can't bear this, I seriously can't bear this ED any more. Its destroying my head. It's all I think about. It consumes me and is ironically eating me alive.

My GP is contacting my psych because I am swollen in places. I want him to give me ritalin.

[bellaboo]

Hello I lost her . I'm not sure the person before this responding to you was very helpful, I'm not sure the nature of your ed but if its as i think I'm sure you don't need to be told ways of loosing weight. Green tea is full of antioxidants so is a nice thing to drink alongside other fluids but like I said I don't think telling people methods of loosing weight and the brief description of what they think an ed is about is helpful. I totally get the head consuming distress I also am 24/7 being taken over by it and its hard, I hope your gp can help you for the better. Wishing luv and hope stay as strong as you can there's hope for all of us xxxxxxxxx

[Becca95]

Hello ILostHer,

I too also have an eating disorder and I definitely know how much it can take over your life and consume you and all your thoughts. So, my eating disorder isn't as bad as yours because I'm not restricting as much as you because my eating disorder is mainly down to my anxiety disorder. I find it very hard to eat if I feel the slightest bit ill or anxious as I have a fear of being sick. However, this doesn't mean I don't understand where you're coming from because I also have weight and body issues and that's always on my mind but I really want to beat this so I shove those horrible thoughts to the back of my head as much as I can. It's not easy at all but thinking about your health and the consequences of what you're doing is important.

You only eat raw or cooked broccoli to avoid putting on weight, right? But you find yourself the same or slightly more, this is because theres so many factors which can be leading to you not loosing. The most dangerous is of course because you're effectively starving yourself, your body is consuming your muscles and body tissues such as you heart to keep itself going for energy. It's the last resort our body has to do. Therefore, although you may not be eating much, your body is still finding ways to make the energy just to keep you alive. Other factors can simply be that maybe you just haven't emptied your bowels completely before weighing or if you still get your monthly cycles then that can affect your weight. I learnt all this at my councilling session because I'd really struggled with eating but managed to put on quite a bit of weight, which really surprised and frightened me.

I also learnt that once you reach a certain point in your weight (below 70% weight for height) that you will not recover, there's too much damage to your body. I'm sorry for being brutal and telling you shocking stuff but it's the truth that I think you need to know if you don't already.

Purging if done over a long period of time can also damage you're insides a lot. I am in no way judging what you're doing because I can see your struggles and I really feel for you, I just don't want you to go to the point of no return. Do you really want to get better if it meant a normal, healthy weight? If you're unsure of the answer to this question then I don't think you're ready to recover and I think you need some help to change the way you think.

Finally, I also completely agree with humblelulu. Having a structure really helps. You can start off small and then when you're ready you can slowly increase the amount to what youfeel comfortable. This would make you're body used to being fed at regular intervals and hopefully it would start to recover a bit. Also, believe me when I say eating a little can make you feel better if you're feeling ill. Although having an empty stomach feels so much more comfortable, I know. But in the long run, a little food isn't going to hurt you, your body. I really hope that you listen to even a little bit of any of us because were here to help you and get you through this horrible, beastly illness. I really hope you give things a try for your sake and I strongly recommend you get help for your eating disorder. I wish you the best of luck and big hugs and you can always message me if you like. x

[Elke]

I drink booze to replace food.

Well that´s the problem. Ever since I began drinking wine I gained so much weight. How many calories do you think ALCOHOL HAS?

You are turning circles. Dieting with food and gaining the calories back with booze. Alcohol is loaded with sugar. Thats where you are gaining weight.

Elke