A New Start?

[Sauron_Wulf]

i want to start again. i want my life to change, is that so wrong? i know i am the only person who can change it. i really want to. i want to complete a degree, i have so much hope for the future but my mental health always get in the way. sometimes i think i use my mental health as an excuse to quit before i fail. i really want to do a doctorate in zoology, study elephants, how awesome would that be? but i'm doubtful it will happen. mayhaps i should contend myself with being a historian.at the minute i'm at my nan's. i'm overweight but healthy well ish, i am relatively ok, so why is it i feel like i have nothing? it's not a down feeling or a numb feeling it's more an acknowledgement of having gone through hell time and time again, and come out with nothing. it gets so hard to rebuild things.

[Orpyz]

There is nothing wrong with having dreams, if that is what you mean. I think the key is to break things down into manageable blocks. When you say that your mental health has always got in the way, can you identify what happens and why? Are you maybe setting yourself up to fail by setting huge goals which are so hard to achieve that you end up reinforcing a 'failure script'?

Does this make any sense? x

[Sauron_Wulf]

yeah that makes sense.

sometimes i think i do dream too much, i want so badly to achieve that i'm afriad i'll fail so i quit and fail that way.

my mental health has always got in the way of my life, three times i've tried uni and within months i've become paranoid and delusional always ending in hospital so i've had to quit.

i'm on meds now, olanzapine and a depo so i'm sane ish and fat heh. but i have nothing in my life. i want a new start where i am sane and fine no lies or pretending. i really want to do something worthwhile. but what? *sigh*

[Orpyz]

I do understand how you feel - I find it hard to go out - I get paranoid and anxious, have panic attacks etc etc. So, I enrolled on a part time course - it's only three hours a week. Even that is a major struggle for me, to be honest. I am trying to force myself to do it and stick with it so that I haven't failed at it. But it IS only three hours a week. I suppose I am just saying that maybe something smaller than taking on a full time uni course might be better? Or maybe some voluntary work with animals? There would be less pressure and it is good experience etc etc. Just an idea....

[Kitsune]

You sound aware which is key, it can be hard to change and I understand self sabotage. I do it all the time. Are you getting any therapy or support?

Maybe you could go on a holiday, like a volunteering holiday working with elephants? Or maybe approach a zoo and see if you could so some voluntary work there or work experience- that way you get a taste for it, get contacts and also do something you love? that way you can start to think about if you'd like to pursue zoology?

hope you feel better soon, it's never too late as long as you keep trying to move forward and learn from each new challenge and 'relapse'.