humblelulu Posted April 29, 2013 Report Share Posted April 29, 2013 Hey, I felt I needed to just get this out in writing, as I kind of want some peoples opinions on it. Basically my ex and I were together for about 5 years. (I had an ed the whole time, although I was getting much better towards the end of our relationship). He had always been relaxed with food, ate pizza's frozen food, anything he wanted. but after we broke up, he basically became a fitness nut. It's all great for his fitness and health of course. but he's INCREDIBLY strict. Anyways, we broke up a year ago, but have still been very close. hence i know about his changes. I've respected his new fitness routine and drastic changes. But the only thing that bothers me now is that, he likes trying to push me into being super strict with fitness like he is too. For the past few days we've been back and forward texting about all the things he seemed to not like about our relationship (basically 4 days of him subtly insulting me). He was saying how the main things he hated in the relationship was about how I was with my diet, and poor self esteem (basically broke up with me because of my ed, i guess) although he still cares deeply for me, so it makes it difficult for him, because he doesnt want to lose me. He told me about how the ideal person he'd be in a relationship with would be a confident woman, and is as much into fitness as he is. and that he would want them to plan workouts, meal plans together, to work out together. for them to support him in his training. and to push him. (sounds like he basically wants a female version of him to date, rather than an individual with their own personality and likes) Anyways, I told him about how I'm not the person I was when we dated. I'm actually a lot more confident now. I respect myself. and im comfortable with myself. I've made vast improvements with my eating lately. and i've also been swimming about 4-5 times weekly as well as other exercise. for the past 5 months. so i'm into exercising and keeping healthy. (I know i'm not perfectly healthy yet, but i've come a long way, and im allowing myself to focus on that and be proud of myself). So when i told him this, he seemed really proud of me and happy to hear. but then all of a sudden, about 30 minutes ago...he sent me a hugeeeeeee email. basically him telling me my new 'diet plan' and him suggesting all the stuff i can and can't eat, if i want to get slim (wow, kind of insulting and insensive of him, especially as he know's ive struggled with an ed for about 9 years now, and if anything should be told im slim already. because hell, i am!). He went on to tell me 'it will be tough and hard. but if you want the results, and you want to get tone and slim, you HAVE to be strict.' and then said 'and no evening deserts for you im afraid. if you want the results of weight lose. if you do, only a small peice of fruit' (I dont have evening deserts anyway. but i find it kind of controlling for him to tell me i cant anymore, if i want to be thin. HOW unhealthy is it for him to be telling me all these things?!?! Sure for someone who's used to eating normal all their life, and want to get really buff, like he does, and works out all the time. but for someone like myself who's had to deal with a 'strict' diet for about 9-10 years now, i need a bit of a break! I should surely be trying to focus on feeling comfortable around food, and to allow myself to not be scared of it anymore. And also the key in eating disorder recover is to change our views on the NEED to lose weight and stay thin. (of course not all people with ed's. but for me, i'd say its a key thing i need to work on). I just kind of feel insulted. he made me feel terrible about my eating disorder when we were together, i was actually pretty great as a gf. I never pushed my eating ways onto him. i was always understanding of his own views on things. if he wanted to eat unhealthy food, i was happy for him to indulge. without ever judging him or making him feel guilty. And also like i said, these past few days he's pretty much been blaming my eating disorder for the whole on the fact the relationship didnt work. (when actually, i feel he has mutual responsibility in that). So for him to then after we break up, start this new incredibly strict diet (did i mention he weighs his food? and tracks every single thing he eats in the day? Yeah..not even i was that bad). BUT it's OKAY for him to have a super obsessive diet? yet when i had one, it justifies me being blamed for everything? And now the fact he knows im more confident and healthier and exercising (all things he mentioned he wants in a partner), he's started sending me diet plans / exercise plans. I feel almost like he's trying to shape me into the 'fitness fanatic' ideal partner, that he had described in his earlier texts. and trying to make me skinny. because i dont know. even though im at a bmi of 18.5 at the moment, he seems to think im not slim enough to be called slim. (which is funny, because my close friends at uni, comment on how skinny i am all the time, and not even as a compliment, but in a concerned way). And so there he is, telling me i have to watch what i eat, if i WANT to be slim. (meaning im not at the moment). Urg. he's just a big hypercrite. and it really upsets me, after all the effort i put in to be a better person, to bring out my personality, and focus on that. to fight my ed, and to focus on what matters in life....the person who i am on the inside. yet it seems if he's every going to concider having me back as a partner, the person i am on the inside isnt enough. and i have to be a super fit, toned, buff, skinny, fitness freak woman. who will dedicate her life to supporting his training. Last time I checked love was unconditional? At least it is for me. He could be obese, and i still would love him. hell he treats me rubbish, and i still love him. Yet as he's grown up, he's gradually got more and more conditions that a person has to meet. How do I even deal with this. Am i just being too sensitive? He says im too sensitve a lot, and too defensive. I understand being fit, would help me get healthy. so i appreciate his efforts in that respect. but i just dont see how he could think its okay to push that sort of strict thinking onto me, when he knows what i've been through, and how damaging it could be to me. But then maybe i am just being too sensitive. and i should just do what he says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted April 29, 2013 Report Share Posted April 29, 2013 Hey Lulu, I'll post a bigger reply later as my mind is struggling with large chunks of info at the moment AND THIS HAS BOGGLED MY MIND He's an ex for a reason, he doesn't sound healthy at all. How can he be so... clueless, as to think it's ok to be pushing things on you, his ex, surely he should be more accepting. He can't make you do anything and his best intentions are not good enough. 'No dessert for you i'm afraid' WHAT? I'd be tempted to eat so much dessert out of spite xD It's your life, your choice, he has no jurisdiction in your life choices. If you had asked him for advice and he gave it, that'd be ok. If he was giving it to try and help but was gentle and gave you the choice... and understood why you may not be happy about that. Fair enough. But this... this is clueless. Utterly clueless. I'm kinda mad for you. You change if and how you want, Lulu. It's your life to craft, not somebody else's to steal. *big hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
humblelulu Posted April 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2013 Hey Lulu, I'll post a bigger reply later as my mind is struggling with large chunks of info at the moment AND THIS HAS BOGGLED MY MIND He's an ex for a reason, he doesn't sound healthy at all. How can he be so... clueless, as to think it's ok to be pushing things on you, his ex, surely he should be more accepting. He can't make you do anything and his best intentions are not good enough. 'No dessert for you i'm afraid' WHAT? I'd be tempted to eat so much dessert out of spite xD It's your life, your choice, he has no jurisdiction in your life choices. If you had asked him for advice and he gave it, that'd be ok. If he was giving it to try and help but was gentle and gave you the choice... and understood why you may not be happy about that. Fair enough. But this... this is clueless. Utterly clueless. I'm kinda mad for you. You change if and how you want, Lulu. It's your life to craft, not somebody else's to steal. *big hugs* Oh Kitsune, you don't know how much it means to hear you feel the same. I was beginning to fear he was right, and i was just too sensitive. It's just, if the tables were turned, and lets say he has struggled with an ed and I hadnt. I wouldnt dream of telling him what he can and cant eat in order to lose weight. i'd incourage him to love the body he had already. and that if he felt the need to lose a little bit, i'd support him with him. but i'd make sure to stress that i felt he was fine as he is. I thought that was just common consideration? We were together for 5 years, i thought he would have realised the triggers for people with ed's by now. Exactly! I didnt even ask him about a diet plan. i mentioned nothing of the sort. I merely mentioned that I'd been taking protein powder lately, to help with lack of protein. and then I got that beast of an email. (I'm not even kidding, it was seriously long. and he then followed it with a long text carrying on from it). If i had asked for it, that would be understandable. but I didnt, so its just a matter of him forcing his opinions onto me unwelcomed. The only problem now is, that although I'm still confident in how I am as a person. he's made me feel like i DO need to lose weight now. that if i want him or any other person to find me attractive enough or worthy enough to date. then i have to start this new routine. It's really annoyed me, because due to my BPD, I get triggered quite easily, and i can be convinced to do stuff quite easily too. So now I don't even know what I want. arg. Anyways. im glad im not alone. thank you for your message, it means so much that you even read my long message, never mind taking the time to reply . so thank you <3 xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted April 29, 2013 Report Share Posted April 29, 2013 Hey lulu Oh gosh I really feel for you here!! I think the bottom line is that you need to know who you are what you are and be comfortable as you not as something someone wants you to be. He obviously is ignorant to what an ed is and has placed a whole lot of fear and confusion in you. Maybe your focus needs to be away from him and just within you, you know what you need to do and how you want to feel and how much of a struggle it has been just to accept your body needs food, you deserve to have a life without even thinking about food in anyway other than for fuel health and enjoyment stripped of any obsessive controlled planned or relation to how you feel or feel you or others think you should look. I really don't think he is healthy and perhaps this new way of eating and exercising for him is a way of distraction and control towards overwhelming feelings he has about the two of you breaking up. Its quite common when break ups happen for people to suddenly change drastically or follow a particular thing to almost re-fresh or reinvent themselves when they feel low. I can imagine your head is spinning and I don't think it helps to have this attachment this thing that may want you to convince yourself you can be what he wants. Chances are he doesn't know what he wants and will want something different down the line. But you are completely right love is not about wanting someone to follow a set of rules around diet exercise to fit into a mould of who they are as we are ever changing and love comes from a connection between two INDIVIDUALS a mutual respect and aspiration for one another's differences and compassion. I hope you can stand by yourself as you are on your road to recovery keep your beliefs strong and see through his ignorance and realise that if someone Doesn't understand you or they want to mould you or do not see you really don't need these things these munipulations then they are not the person for you to be emotionally attached to or ever reliant on. That doesnt mean perhaps you cant be friends but friends that chat generally that hang out support each other (but again friendship comes with acceptance and respect) luv xxx bellaboo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted April 29, 2013 Report Share Posted April 29, 2013 Your self worth should come from within not from someone else. I've been in a relationship like this munipulations and did not see the negativity and terrible effect on me it had until a year after breaking up and still having contact and eventually breaking all ties . Hope ya ok x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuffdrama Posted April 29, 2013 Report Share Posted April 29, 2013 i think your ex is behaving like you have asked for help from him with diet and exercise. i think id say that i dont want that help and you dont need to loose weight even if he does. he sounds like an exsmoker who gets angrey when there are smokers near. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted April 29, 2013 Report Share Posted April 29, 2013 Your view in my opinion is very reasonable and balanced so please trust your view! Are you still in touch because as you say you still love him? I imagine that's hard. I assume he doesn't mean harm but it is indeed quite ignorant and not good for you. And personally Id be pretty angry. Maybe you need to kindly but surely set some bounderies about what you will and will not accept from him. BTW sounds like you've been doing an awesome job working on your ed issues etc! Thumbs up!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
humblelulu Posted April 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2013 Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it! I will reply properly later on. I'm just having a bad day today. I started off feeling great, and my ex started texting me heaps of stuff, judgemental stuff. I replied saying that I am at a happier place now, and that im proud of it. That if someone doesnt like how I look, then it's their fault for being shallow. And he said that its not shallow, its just surely if someone doesnt look their best, its a good thing for the partner to tell them they need to work out. otherwise they'll never know that they needed to improve. HIS OWN WORDS. so once again, he's basically saying, the reason he's been telling me to slim down, is because i need to. and if he doesnt tell me, then i wont know that i need to improve. I'VE HAD AN EATING DISORDER FOR NINE YEARS, what the f' is wrong with him. I tell him im happy with my weight and that i dont intend to lose any weight right now. and he replies with 'thats great, but getting slimmer would make you happier' (make 'me' happier, or him?). I tried so hard to not let this get to me. but it has. and now what was a week of feeling great for once about myself. has ended. and i feel shit, and feel like i clearly need to lose weight. in order to be attractive. I hate him so much. i dont want him anymore. i dont even know how i could love a man that treats me this way. he's the same man that told me that I should accept who i am, and be happy with it, that i dont need to lose weight to be pretty. and what, whithin 3 years, and his new diet change, he's become a judgemental man who doesnt seem to want me to settle for feeling happy at my weight. he wants me to be happy at a skinnier weight. I can't ignore him, when i do he insults me. he sends messages guilting me. I just feel like crying now. I feel so trapped. I wish he'd just f'ing leave me alone, and let me enjoy my life, as a happy, healthy person. i know there are tonnes of men out there who would love me as i am. without the need to change me. I know because I dated a guy for about 5 months, who was a lovely man (I gave him up, to get back with my ex after we broke up the first time) The guy i dated, told me that i looked perfect as I was. and that i should never feel i should lose weight. he never made me feel bad for my eating disorder. he supported me so much. I hate the fact I gave up that wonderful wonderful loving man for this horrible male chauvinist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted April 30, 2013 Report Share Posted April 30, 2013 Omg lulu does he not realise how damaging his words could be to you, and what the hell is he even on about as I think you said your bmi was 18.5 which is lowest end of healthy and in fact that's only in the last few years when I was in my twenties a healthy bmi was 20 -25 no idea why its dropped . I really think you should cut ties with this guy you shouldn't even be faced with this conversation 1 because its barbaric and ridiculous and 2 because of your 10yr battle with a fucking eating disorder ( sorry this had made me really angry) like you said there are tonnes of men who would love you of course there is !!! And you don't want someone who is filling and potentially fuelling an unhealthy part of you . Lets say this was a different situation and you had never had an eating disorder but were same weight etc it would still be wrong for him to be essentially promoting being underweight and that being a good and attractive thing!! I think he has done serious distortions and distorted ideas and you must not believe him! You know the evidence says so that you do not need to loose any weight and that your body is your body and what and how you choose to carry it is up to you. Could you not get back in touch with the nice guy for little chat or a drink or something xx hope your ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted April 30, 2013 Report Share Posted April 30, 2013 I cant imagine how much this would hurt! Anybody would be hurt BUT you need to find a way to not let it doubt yourself. May I ask what things helped you in overcoming your ed? Can you grab onto some of those things now, like say reading facts about weight etc you need healthy reinforcement I think. Do you think you can let him go,just cut him off???I don't think he is going to listen to you and respect your views anytime soon. It almost sounds to me asthough he might be developing some sort of eating disorder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morethanme Posted May 2, 2013 Report Share Posted May 2, 2013 Sounds to me like hes the one with the problem hes suddenly turned into a health freak and wants to control you. I know the sort. Be little u cos u not trying as hard as them and keep u down. Tbh i would keep him as an ex and keep away from manipulating u. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frogsplash Posted May 5, 2013 Report Share Posted May 5, 2013 People damage us when we allow them to. Take a break from this guy and do other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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