I Want It Back.

[x-Bliss-x]

I may get hate for this post but I'm just being honest so here goes...

Part of me REALLY want my anorexia back. I've done really well for the past year with regards to my eating disorder but recently my mind set has changed. I miss it. I miss the comfort it gave me. The control it gave me. I've had slip ups but I've always pulled it back and started eating properly again.

It actually scares me to think that I might not even have the will power to go through all that again. I want to know that if I want to, I could. I still remember all the awful things it did to me, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be putting me off the idea of going into relapse.

I must be totally crazy to want something that very nearly killed me back again, but for some reason I do and I'm not sure what to do about it. I know the logical thing to do would be to ignore it and fight of those feelings. But I'm not sure I want to.

Am I a really bad person for thinking this way? I think I just want to hit the self-destruct button as I also want to self harm a lot (I haven't though). I haven't acted on any behaviours like this for a really long time and I don't know.... I miss it.

[rufusmoo]

Bliss,

I can understand why you might feel this way. It becomes like a friend (be a it a demon in disguise) and for it to be gone is like

cutting off a limb-this is how I would feel If I didn't have my eating problems.

In some ways it's a comfort and helps you to feel in control. Absolutely no hostility from here-just understanding and the thought

that you are hugely brave to be so honest.

xx

[Kitsune]

You're not horrible for thinking that way Bliss, if that's the way you're thinking about it then that's the way you're thinking about it. I think it's probably normal to always have that bit of you which wants to go back to the old not so healthy ways, it could even be a ''past' part of you which hasn't come to terms with letting go of anorexic behaviour or things which happened back then.

The fact is that you have the willpower to stop doing it so you most likely have the will power to go through that again, it's both willpower but channelled into different behaviours and ways. If you wanted to you could but I hope that you don't as overcoming anorexia is one of the most difficult things a sufferer can do. You're not crazy, it's probably the case that anorexia fulfilled some needs in your life or some beliefs and perhaps those aren't getting met in your life now so that's why your mind is automatically leading back to the 'solution', as it were.

The main thing now is that you choose to identify your feelings and thoughts around anorexia and also figure out what needs/ wants and urges it fulfilled and then figure out a healthier way in which you can adapt and get these needs met.

If it's self destruction you really want then perhaps look into alternate choices for self harm (e.g pinching and twisting your skin really hard is painful but won't break the skin so is less dangerous) or perhaps exercise really hard as this will not only give you the feeling of being 'wrecked' but also release endoprhins. But if you chose exercise you'd have to be careful not to go overboard or anything as it can be quite common to do so.

*hugs* you're not bad for thinking this way Bliss, it's good that your'e getting your thoughts out in the open and expressing your true thoughts and feelings. xx

[x-Bliss-x]

Thank you both. I was really worried people might think badly of me for thinking this way.

It is like a friend yes, I feel like a part of me has just dissappeared. I was very ill a couple of years ago and it took over my life. Now it's left a huge gap. I think I miss the obsession side too. At the moment I have nothing going on in my life really, and I want to escape from that. Going back to counting calories, excersise and just constantly thinking about food was a way of NOT thinking about how unforfilled my life is. I feel like a complete failure at everything at the moment. But I know I can gain a sense of achievement with the anorexia. It doesn't last long I know, but it's there and it's something I can do.

As I've said, I've spent a good year without anorexia and at first it was such a relief. But now I look back and think, what has it really done for me? I haven't been able to go back to work. I haven't been able to get my life back to any form of normality despite giving it all up. In fact I can see now that l've actually lost more since leaving anorexia behind. Now I'm just a useless human being without even having the excuse that I'm 'sick'. I dont recieve much support anymore and feel more alone.

So really, when I think about it... why WOULDN'T I want to go back to it!?

There is actually only one thing that has stopped me so far. My boyfriend. Not because I think he might leave me if I get ill again, although that is always in the back of my mind. But he wants a family. I can't have children and not be a healthy weight. BUT, the major problem with that argument now is that I've been thinking to myself about how realistic it is for me to actually have children.... but I guess that's a whole other subject. Basically, the argument is slowly losing it's power.

[Kitsune]

I understand quite a bit of this Bliss, though with me it applies not to eating but some of my relationships and my break from those people who were 'bad ' for me. At first it was a relief and I felt proud because 'success, i did it!'. But it left a void behind and I don't know how to fill it and I've started thinking about the past and missing it a bit.

But the important thing is to rememeber the bad parts and realise that the bad parts outweigh the good parts, the chemistry that you feel from that behaviour is a mixture of habit and your needs being fulfilled, and any negative beliefs you have. So you need to try and figure out what your needs are and how you can meet them in a different way.

It sounds like there is a lot of stuff on your mind, all linked but different too. Hopefully you can get some of it out here and ask for advice. Perhaps you could think up little ways in which you can start changing your life xx

[morethanme]

your not bad at all it does consume your life, take over and become a demonic friend, i have read several of your posts today and i see you are struggling so this explains the wanting to find some comfort or something that helped you feel in control, because thats what ED are, they are a way of feeling in control. I dont know what help you have had in the past or how you felt better last time, but go down the same path as last time (to getting better i mean) and reach out for help and gain control that way xx mtm

[x-Bliss-x]

Thank you for everyone's replies. I'm actually feeling a bit better about things after the weekend as been. Finding it easier to resist all the ED stuff again. Thanks again for understanding

[Becca95]

Hello Bliss, I can understand why you feel like this. It's old habits and you felt you had control back then? I don't know the reasons behind your anorexia but if it was due to self image etc then I think it's normal to feel like this. Im so happy for you that you have managed for a year without anorexia, that's great you should be so proud! Your body must have got used to the anorexia and your brain is probably trying to make you cave into your old habits again.

I have anorexia and Im in early stages of recovery, it's so hard to make a difference that sometimes I just want to give up because it's easier and I feel more comfortable being able to control everything etc but I know I can't. All I can say is stay strong and don't give in, deep down you probably don't want to be anorexic again, am I right? Im sure the thoughts will pass if you stick to your guns and continue to do great! x