AmyP Posted May 11, 2013 Report Share Posted May 11, 2013 last couple of times been to cpn appt she and others have asked how they can help and what i want from them. they offer meds and i wont take them. they offer therapy but i know i probably wont go. the truth is im not going to get better. i dont want to live. have been having really strong suicidal thoughts and urges for a couple of weeks now and they arent going. most of the day im thinking about it and planning. trying to push bf away make him realise im dirt so it wont hurt him when i go. when cpn an others ask what i want im honest and tell them i dont think they can help. an they say so why are you here, part of you must want to get better. and theyr right. why do i go and waste peoples time whilst planning on ending it anyway. im going to kill myself so why do i go and give people false hope and waste their time. not going to see them anymore. cant do that to them and others its not fair. wasting time could be spent on people who actually want to live. not really sure what this post is for. guess helps to get thoughts out organise them a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted May 11, 2013 Report Share Posted May 11, 2013 Pan, please try and reconsider...you know you want to stay away from the hospital and they are trying to help :< You could try getting your thoughts out on here, exactly how you feel and the conflict in your head if that helps? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted May 11, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2013 not about hospital. none of that matters. they cant make me do anything anyway if i dont see them. why go if i dont want to live. i dont even want to want to live. feel bad for saying all this. but guess was talking to people in chat other day and we said how sad that people just leave the site and you never know what happens when they do so i guess at least thered be no doubt when i do. you cant help someone who doesnt want to, want to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherri2082 Posted May 12, 2013 Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 I hope the want to live comes rushing into your heart ,Pandora. I do understand the black place you are in. Praying for sunshine to reach you soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparko Posted May 12, 2013 Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 I really wish I could say something helpful to you but the words are just not there. I honestly hope things change for you and that you don't just disappear x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleCrumble Posted May 12, 2013 Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 Oh Pan :-( So sorry you feel so bad. I wish I could say something that would help you, or something that could at least make you feel more at peace, even if it doesn't really make you want to want to live... I guess life isn't for everyone...which seems so unfair. Why do some people have that happiness so accessible and easy to find, and others, people like yourself have to try so hard to find the happiness. I hope you do whatever is right for you. I just wish someone could come down and scoop you up and make everything all better for you. Is there any other medication that might help? I know you don't believe in it, I sometimes don't believe in it either, but my last medication change really helped. Hugs xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted May 12, 2013 Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 ((((pandora)))) I really hope you reach out in real life. I'm glad you're reaching out here. We all care for you and hope that this passes for you soon xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted May 13, 2013 Report Share Posted May 13, 2013 I can relate to not wanting help with every last issue on my plate, but wanting help with the most painful ones causing crisis. I know you have a conflict of not feeling like you deserve help, feeling like you are meant to suffer as punishment, I hope those feelings of unworthiness pass and you allow yourself take in support. It is true no one can make you want to live, for many years I was only able to string about a week at a time together. When I get really stressed I still feel like why am I still doing this, I've done my time and it should be over, I don't need to keep doing this (life) anymore. Other people loving me doesn't seem like a good enough reason to exist. Somewhere along the way I suppose I just worked on making the now better, going to therapy to curb pain and crisis. Finding life meaningful is a whole other kettle of fish and one that doesn't need to happen just because your struggling today. You don't need to figure it all out and be 100% from the start. It is okay to do therapy and have one foot out the door, like you feel. That is not considered wasting resources or other people's time. sending you my love xoxo, Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted May 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2013 thank you. no words atm but appreciate all thoughts x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.