ArtMatters Posted May 20, 2013 Report Share Posted May 20, 2013 I feel like it's all my fault......all my illness is because of me. I've been watching some Deepack chopra videos and doing some readings during my insomnia cuz I don't have meds right now......at first it helped he's a very smart and empathetic man......but now I feel worse I feel like it's my fault. He talks about how our emotions cause disease. So now I feel like by letting my bpd get out of control I caused my own fibro. He talks about how if you become more spiritual and get better in touch with your higher self you will start to get back to homeostasis which can promote healing. But I feel like I have already been doing a bit of spiritual growth/work and my illness is still here. I feel this huge obligation to cure myself. LIke I have to fix all the shit I caused. That my body and mind are fucked up because of me and only I can fix it and I don't know exactly how to do it. I feel weak. I feel like he's saying if I was truly spiritually in tuned I wouldn't need meds or anything he says that physical exercise helps chronic pain-- and I Hear this all the time-- so why does it make mine worse? that makes me feel guilt and shame too he says that the placebo affect is real and that positive thinking can influence how we feel......to a certain degree I do believe positive thinking can influence how we feel but I try so hard to be positive I try and I try and I try and my mental illness keeps coming back- but it's my fault right....i caused my mental and physical illness? that's how it's making me feel so how am I supposed to get passed these feelings he said cause disease in the first place if the idea that me feeling them caused it just causes more guilt and shame and sadness exhausting. he does say our experience what we take in from the environment etc all shape our health also is it unrealistic for me to feel like I need to fix it completely? do I have to stop taking meds to achieve spiritual and physical/mental healing? I don't know what to think right now I don't feel well physically and it's making everything worse I can't take care of myself right now and I'm too broke to fix it and I am too proud to ask for help even though I have very little food or resources until he 28th How is it that becoming more spiritual and feeling more connected is triggering suicidal thoughts right now? isn't that counter intuitive?.......have I already screwed my brain up too bad? all I feel is guilt and shame and sadness like i'm letting down expectations of everyone on every level Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArtMatters Posted May 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2013 Ok and now I read this by him: It’s better to accept the experience you went through at face value and let the emotional depth and growth that came from it be the lesson that you learn. It’s natural enough to want a simple story to explain our pain, but it’s not always that simple, and too often we reach for explanations for our pain with stories that say we must have done something to deserve it. . But we don’t really know what we did, so we can’t learn from our presumed mistake, and we can’t change the past anyway even if we did know it. This open-ended guilt just leaves us feeling like we are a bad person or a victim of circumstances. The explanations and stories we use to make sense of our lives are very powerful, and we need to be clear about choosing explanations that empower us and help us grow. so even in his own talks he challenges these thoughts I'm having........why am I so negative all the time? why can't I get out of this self deprocating cycle? why am I punishing myself again and again and again? how do I stop feeling this way when I try to challenge all my judgements and interpretations and they just keep coming back and showing up in different ways am i just so emotionally vulnerable right now cuz my physical needs aren't being met? am i thinking too much......omg. I haven't stopped crying since like 5am this morning and they don't seem to be letting up anytime soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steph.mcg Posted May 20, 2013 Report Share Posted May 20, 2013 sorry art im struggling to read and make sense of your posts because im not feeling too good but i just wanted to send some love and hugs your way xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giuli Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 I was reading everything you wrote and even though I agree that our thoughts can influence in our health, I think you should also consider that every disease is caused by some physiological alteration that can't be controlled by thinking or spirituality!! Please don't blame yourself so much! There no need for it!! And I do think you should keep taking your meds, but it doesn't mean that there's no use in trying to be more positive and spiritual! If you combined both things you will probably will have more chances of feeling better! So just remeber you haven't "caused" your disease! It's not your fault! Cause if it was just something triggered by thoughts it wouldn't be possible to have meds to control it ok?? Keep trying, and don't be afraid to ask for help!! Sorry I'd I wrote too much!! Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArtMatters Posted May 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 thanks my friend told me the same thing and I'm feeling better about it.....I'm also just vulnerable right now cuz I'm sick and it's raining and it's making me flare up badly and that's really negatively affecting my mh so I think I just started getting into one of those spiraling thought modes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Want to share 2 things I've been told in the last few days... 1. We're all normal, having normal responses to an insane world 2. It's not where the line between having mental health and not is drawn, it's where sanity purges with an insane world. Having PD is not something you can rationalise. It is something that HAPPENS TO YOU, and no matter how guilty you feel for your actions (and believe me, I know how this feels), all you have done is react to something that is mostly beyond your control. Your brain is not screwed up. It's trying its best to make sense of whats happened to you. Take a deep breath, and know that youre not alone. PM me if you need to...and stay strong xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Argh, I seemed to have missed the most vital part of what I wanted to say! Brain fuzz.... I have been having fits recently, and they think its some sort of conversion disorder (my brain reacts to stressful situations in the same way as epileptics when they have fits, and everything starts firing in all the wrong places). This is probably an effect of the BPD. What I was trying to say was that it's your body reacting to your mind...you havent caused it. Sorry, I'm not sure I'm helping. Sending you a hug instead! xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArtMatters Posted May 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 thanks guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giuli Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 ((Artmatters)) If you ever feel you need someone to vent to, you can alerta send me a Message ok?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArtMatters Posted May 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 thanks Giuli that's a nice offer... I'm doing a bit better today got some support from the women at the community centre Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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