delusionaldolly Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 ...and it's just been brought up with the doctors that I probably have BPD. I have suffered with my mental health for several years now, and suffered a breakdown in 2005. I saw a psychiatrist then who said I'd suffered a nervous breakdown, and although BPD, Manic Depression and the likes were all mentioned, they were eventually dismissed as I seemingly got better. Unfortunately, I was not better. Hence my username, I fear I have been deluded in my perceptions of myself, and did and said everything I could to be "better". The last year of my life has been hell. Ignoring the truth, I plodded along in my own little world, trying to change, telling myself that I'm fundamentally a good person and that I'd be fine. But having split from my long term partner (my choice), my life began falling apart. The lies began catching up on me, and my behaviour became more and more erratic. Flings, getting wasted and causing scenes at parties, and then one traumatic event now means I have no friends, and those around me in my tiny town think I'm a liar and a lunatic. It's taken me until the last few months to face up to the truth. I am a liar, and I am unstable. And I do have a problem. I don't like labels, and dont want to sit in the filing cabinet of mental health disorders for the rest of my life, but I now know that I cannot carry on like this. I want to be a good person, I want to live openly and honestly, and be free of guilt and disappointment in myself. I want to be a good friend to my friends, and have lasting, trusting relationships with people. I KNOW deep down that person is in there, but I've been unable to stop the carousel of madness in my head long enough to express that person. I am too giving, too caring, would give anyone my last fiver even if it meant I starved. I give and give to try and make up for the bad person I feel I am, and that only leads to more problems and complications. Then I lie to try and get myself out of these situations, and I'm so bad at it that I get caught out. And I now am dealing with a "boy who cried wolf" scenario, which hurts. Anyway enough of my ramblings, the point of joining this forum was to get advice, be of support and be supported. I'm not stupid, and I want to understand this condition so that I can be happy and at peace with myself. Love, Dolly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuffdrama Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 folk will foreget in time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hi Dolly and welcome on the forums. Please feel at home here and write anytime you need an ear to listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Thanks guys <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jelly-bean Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hello and welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleCrumble Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Welcome Dolly. Hope you find us helpful and supportive. Glad that you've decided to join us xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
defying_gravity Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Welcome Dolly, You will find lots of people on here who know and understand what you are going through. They are all here to help :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Thank you so much people, hope I can be as supportive back. Made 2 decisions today : 1. To quit drinking for good. Doesnt help the lying, guilt, shame or general depression. 2. I am going to stay in this little town (had considered moving) and deal with this here, deal with the consequences of my actions, try and heal some of it, and move on when things are a little more stable. My twenties may have been a mess, but I'm 30 next year - here's to a calmer chapter! D xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuffdrama Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 good desiosions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubbles.. Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 hi dolly. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 (((Dolly))).xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hello and welcome! It sounds like you have made some very positive decisions, good on you. Hope you like it here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 You're all so friendly, thank you! Feeling very positive today, knowing there are people who understand. Sending you all some of my positive vibes! Love&Light, Dolly xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 PS anyone know why I cant access the chat? I've just paid the monthly membership to see if that works....any ideas? D xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted May 22, 2013 Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 I'm not sure, maybe there's some delay. Do you have access to it now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Nope D xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chorse_70 Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 I've always wanted to say this Well Hello Dolly Well Hello Dolly lol Seriously though welcome to the forums Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Haha, glad to be able to present the opportunity for you!! Dolly xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted May 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 OK, chat STILL not working and have no idea how to update my status....some help required for a small delusional technophobe?? Please, thank yooooou! Dolly xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted May 28, 2013 Report Share Posted May 28, 2013 Hi Dolly. I've seen a post from Jelly where she said one need to be a sponsor to be able to access chat room and such. The title on your profile is member, not sponsor, so I guess it comes from here. I don't know more, sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitsune Posted May 29, 2013 Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 Hi Dolly, Nice to meet you! Sounds like you've been through the ringer in the past few years and hopefully the forum will help you in your quest to find the real you and live the best life for yourself- sounds like you have a lot of life experience which will come in handy in supporting people on here : ) If you want to use chat, blogs, safe place and status updates then you need to become a sponsor which you can become by clicking on the store button at the top. It's either a monthly or yearly payment I think! Kit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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